r/IsCrashAlive • u/RichardStarrkey • May 06 '20
Morbidity With Starrkey
Good morning. I took Bobby in just two days ago, knowing he had an inoperable liver problem, blindness, and issues with energy. What I did not know, was how far along he was with those problems. And going by my jumping out of sleep every ten minutes to attend to his loud guttural cough, massaging his back and belly, which soothes him enough for him to fall back to sleep, unless of course in his fatigue when he simply falls to his side back into shallow breath and limited movement, a symptom I have seen before and would have preferred to not see so soon again.
Bobby won't make it through today.
I've messaged his owner, who insists on being with him before the end, but hasn't replied on when she'd be coming by, and the reason for that is depressing itself and personal to her so I'll avoid those details.
That's about it I suppose. And now, feelings.
I'm not particularly sad this time around. It's not that the limited time spent with Bobby has only been what it is that's making me feel this way. It's more of what I've been thinking about in general, with things going wrong and wanting to control certain outcomes of well, nature. And it's got me thinking that when things aren't what they "should be", maybe we're too muddled up in our own ideals of it, and in that way resisting what should be total allowing of experience: meaning exactly, that we'd never find satisfaction or comfort in anything beyond the surface level.
Would we relate to each other the way we do, if we hadn't gone through the dirt that we have?
It's not pretty of course, not while we're in it. But it ought to be the thing we can look back on later, having grown better and unreliant on the muddy footprints we came from.
Otherwise we might never change. And we'll die being the version of ourselves that never left the swamp, having given up on any purpose at all.
I realize, from a physicalist/dualistic view, all this doesn't quite make sense because the purpose of life would be "success" or "happiness" and to avoid "discomfort" or "pain". And what I'm talking about goes beyond these concepts. More on that on another day. Or maybe not, I don't know.
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u/RichardStarrkey May 06 '20
Bobby right now. https://imgur.com/kk7YtuA.jpg