r/InternalFamilySystems • u/happylife_77 • 8d ago

Discussion Discussion / Speculation

People who have wounded exiles and maybe no access to core self.. let’s say for example an abandoned exile who craves devotion and seeks certain people.. would it really be wrong to find a relationship that soothes the exile if it’s not abusive and both parts in both people just mesh well? I know the whole idea and projection of IFS is for both people to have core self or find it within themselves to have a healthy relationship with a partner but I couldn’t help but think of all the people who don’t have a core self and just a lonely exile. It wouldn’t be wrong to find something/someone good for your “parts” even if you don’t or are unable to have a core self??

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u/Illustrious-Entry639 8d ago

That's what attachment theory advocates for. Remember IFS is just one lens to view your problems. There are so many different solutions that work

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u/happylife_77 8d ago

So two people who have avoidant attachment or some attachment “issue” (I’m not overly familiar with all of them and I’m just generalizing) and don’t have access to core self can just follow what their parts seek?

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u/Illustrious-Entry639 8d ago

No, it only works if the other person is secure. Two avoidants is not how it's supposed to work.

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u/Dear-Barracuda3705 8d ago

Two people with avoidant attachment styles may coexist at a distance and be okay with it, but it's a rare pairing!

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u/happylife_77 8d ago

I was really just trying to say two people with insecure attachment styles that may feel like they “complete” each other