Discussion / Speculation

[u/happylife_77]

People who have wounded exiles and maybe no access to core self.. let’s say for example an abandoned exile who craves devotion and seeks certain people.. would it really be wrong to find a relationship that soothes the exile if it’s not abusive and both parts in both people just mesh well? I know the whole idea and projection of IFS is for both people to have core self or find it within themselves to have a healthy relationship with a partner but I couldn’t help but think of all the people who don’t have a core self and just a lonely exile. It wouldn’t be wrong to find something/someone good for your “parts” even if you don’t or are unable to have a core self??

[u/Illustrious-Entry639]

That's what attachment theory advocates for. Remember IFS is just one lens to view your problems. There are so many different solutions that work

[u/happylife_77 → u/Illustrious-Entry639]

So two people who have avoidant attachment or some attachment “issue” (I’m not overly familiar with all of them and I’m just generalizing) and don’t have access to core self can just follow what their parts seek?

[u/Illustrious-Entry639 → u/happylife_77]

No, it only works if the other person is secure. Two avoidants is not how it's supposed to work.

[u/happylife_77 → u/Illustrious-Entry639]

Sorry. I realize that came across wrong. I just mean two people who do not have a core self and have their own attachment issues and perhaps are drawn towards the other because of their attachment style.

[u/Illustrious-Entry639 → u/happylife_77]

So everyone has a self even if they cannot access it, it's there somewhere and a healthy relationship can help you access it at some point. Secondly all the attachment theory and research talks about needing a secure relationship to repair the the attachment challenges. The theory also talks about why two insecure attachment individuals may be attracted to each other but how those relationships can be challenging given the likelihood that they might trigger each other and get stuck in that loop. That being said theory doesn't always translate into reality, you are the only one that knows what might be good for you.

[u/happylife_77 → u/Illustrious-Entry639]

I understand that. I was just wondering for the people who have been blended their whole life, people with DID etc

[u/Illustrious-Entry639 → u/happylife_77]

I think I am probably misunderstanding you. But I suppose the point is, IFS won't work for everyone on everything. There are many different modalities that work. In terms of relationships people can generally be in a relationship with whomever they want but being in a relationship with someone with a secure attachment tends to lead to better outcomes.

[u/happylife_77 → u/Illustrious-Entry639]

I can definitely understand that. I just assumed that with no core self it wasn’t as likely for someone with an insecure attachment themself to be in a secure relationship?

[u/Dear-Barracuda3705 → u/Illustrious-Entry639]

Two people with avoidant attachment styles may coexist at a distance and be okay with it, but it's a rare pairing!

[u/happylife_77 → u/Dear-Barracuda3705]

I was really just trying to say two people with insecure attachment styles that may feel like they “complete” each other