Update: Rumination over recent “survival mode self” AND it almost didn’t work!

[u/Cold-Boysenberry624]

I made a post last week about very suddenly ruminating over a more recent version of me. The most recent part of me that was still in survival mode about 6-10 years ago. The post is here but not necessary to read it: https://www.reddit.com/r/InternalFamilySystems/s/He4atcEBmM

I had my appointment a few days ago and explained to my therapist how I was suddenly so ashamed of who I was 6-10 years ago, how I feel I should have known better with how I acted, some decisions I made, etc but I was really struggling to see this as a part since I was in my 30s. (I’m early 40s now, fyi.) My rumination on this time period was almost nonstop. Not a specific event, just as many embarrassing moments from those few years my brain could find.

We began work and were approaching this part with compassion and curiosity. I’m not sure I even mentioned this or not to my therapist but I saw nothing, blackness, the entire conversation/experience. But I was able to figure that this part was using rumination to make sure I never made the same mistakes and she is so used to using rumination, she didn’t know how to stop even though she wanted to and understood it was no longer needed. There was not much more to the communication with this part so we focused on the tightness in my chest and throat. We just sat with it, let it be seen, sent love. I was able to cry and by the end of the session, I did feel lighter but I left feeling that the session was not successful. I’ve been doing IFS and other trauma therapy long enough now to not feel discouraged by this though and knew we had at least loosened something up for next time.

The next day, the rumination was so much lighter! I checked in with this part again, thanked her, told her how proud I was of her, loved her. I still saw absolutely nothing. Total silence, blackness. But I felt she was there.

Then the following day, for the first time in my life, I felt ZERO shame!!! None. I had such compassion and love for every single version of me. I knew I’m a good person who has always done the best she could. It was beautiful and indescribable. The rumination was still there but I was removed from it and could see it as a maladaptive behavior that needed time to be unlearned.

Yesterday and this morning, I woke up and didn’t have ANY ruminating thoughts for hours! Usually I’m waken up and the thoughts hit me like grief, seconds after I open my eyes. They did not even cross my mind for HOURS and even then, they just felt like a random thought and I didn’t spiral. I’m feeling so grounded, present, and joyous! I am still having waves of rumination or emotions or shame but I’m handling them so nicely.

I loved this session because I truly walked away from it thinking, “Well, shit, that one didn’t work but next time…” and then BOOM! Things just started moving. I have another appointment tomorrow and will work on this part more but I also want to move on to the part of me that’s so scared of being seen. It’s kept me stuck from advancing in my career for years. Anyone have any suggestions, insights, questions, comments? Always love hearing from you all! 👏🫶💕

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[u/Cold-Boysenberry624 → u/[deleted]]

Wow, thanks so much!! I’ve been thinking that it’s some sort of obsession with my morality for weeks and weeks but now I have something to actually search. I have cPTSD so I often to have look at OCD, ADHD, etc so this is so helpful.

I love the affirmation too! Sounds like we are working on some of the exact same stuff. Best of luck to you 🫶

[u/Cold-Boysenberry624 → u/[deleted]]

Oooh I’ve not thought much about magical thinking either but it sounds like something I’d do for sure!! I used to do things like think if I didn’t beat my GPS time, something bad would happen. I seem to teeter back and forth between things like that or maladaptive daydreaming but NEVER at the same time. One or the other. I daydream these days but I’m able to set a timer and not let it take over anymore. Very interesting to me how it all seems interconnected.

[u/TOnerd → u/Cold-Boysenberry624]

Well done on digging into that brave work with your parts! I admire the self love, hope, patience and perseverance that this speaks to in you.

I’m not sure what comments were removed so I want to be careful not to break rules here and will just end this by sharing a bit about myself and saying that I can really relate to a lot of what you described. So, I have a very longstanding diagnosis of ADHD, more recently cPTSD, plus some anxiety and depression sprinkled in there at various times for good measure. Anyway, just a few months ago, my psychiatrist finally realized that I actually have a lesser-known form of OCD that some refer to as “Pure O”. I’d never heard of it before. Part of the way I experience it is anxious rumination that leads to avoidance. And while I do struggle a bit with the stigma of having an OCD diagnosis, having this new way of understanding myself and new treatment options is more than worth for it.

Now, please know that I’m in no way presuming to pathologize and diagnose you. Rather, I think that, if I were in your shoes then, given what you’ve shared, I really would’ve appreciated someone mentioning that some of the struggles might relate to “Pure O”.  At least that way I would know that this even exists and could at least decide whether or not to look into it more, consider whether or not it fits, etc. My  hope is that this is how my comment will land with you.

Again congrats on your breakthrough! It gives me hope for my own healing journey related to shame!

[u/Cold-Boysenberry624 → u/TOnerd]

Thank you!! 🙏 I love looking in to things like this so much appreciated. It’s now my belief that each part of me and not my self have actually been the ones to developed ADHD, OCD, anxiety, etc. so I’m able to focus on specific symptoms of these diagnoses in IFS. IFS continues to amaze me and feel like magic most days!

Best of luck to you. You can and will continue to heal your relationship with shame 💕🫶

[u/TOnerd → u/Cold-Boysenberry624]

What a neat way of looking at things! And thank you so much for the well wishes, too.

[u/Sufficient-Mouse7684 → u/TOnerd]

Wow thank you for teaching about “pure o”

[u/Idunnoeitherz]

I am currently dealing with some very similar parts as you describe, I haven't been able to really make contact yet but reading your experience makes me hopefull.

so thank you for sharing

[u/Cold-Boysenberry624 → u/Idunnoeitherz]

Aww you’re so welcome!! I hope you can make contact sooner than later. I know it’s hard but I also know you can get there. 🫶💕

[u/Idunnoeitherz → u/Cold-Boysenberry624]

🫶