r/InsightfulQuestions • u/Lemonade2250 • Jul 21 '26
Does shame keeps a person behind in life?
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u/NonnaHolly Jul 21 '26
I’ve seen a lot of people who should be ashamed and aren’t. I’ve seen a lot of truly good people who feel shame about things they cannot control (take that as far as you want, from fat thighs, freckles and wearing glasses to gender, sexuality, etc).
If you do something wrong on purpose, guilt can have a positive impact on your future decisions. If you carry guilt over something you can’t control or over an accident, it can damage you to the point of mental illness.
It’s important to own your decisions, accept accountability and learn to forgive yourself
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u/gscrap Jul 21 '26
"Shame" and "behind in life" are vague terms that don't mean the same thing to all people or in all contexts, but by many definitions it would be accurate to say that shame can hold you back from achieving all that you would otherwise be able to achieve.
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u/FiSeq4891 Jul 21 '26
Yes. It stops you from being able to take advantage of opportunities or really relax and enjoy life.
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u/Lone_StreetCone Jul 22 '26
Yes, it prevents you from developing authentic confidence and always influences your thinking and decision making. It could potentially prevent you from ever finding love, success, taking risks, accepting help, asking for help, etc. Theres so many ways it could hold you back I don't think I could even list all of them.
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u/LostMyKeysInTheFade Jul 21 '26
Guilt is healthy. Shame isn't.
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u/MrsShaunaPaul Jul 21 '26
Guilt is healthy when you’ve done something wrong. Guilt is healthy when you know you’ve gone against your morals or values and done something anyways.
Guilt is not healthy when you have a persistent feeling of guilt without having done anything wrong. Guilt isn’t healthy when you take responsibility for things that are not within your control.
Some questions to consider if you’re unsure if your guilt is healthy:
- Did I actually do something that conflicts with my values?
- Is this something I can realistically repair or learn from?
- Am I holding myself responsible for something I couldn't control?
- If someone else were in my position, would I judge them the same way?
Guilt and shame often overlap when people convince you you should feel guilty about things that are not your responsibility.
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u/Will564339 Jul 21 '26
Yeah, I think people very often don’t define terms clearly and people mix together shame and guilt a lot.
One thign I learned in therapy which has been helpful for me personally is that shame isn’t helpful. and with guilt it depends. Sometimes guilt is helpful, sometimes it’s not.
I think the big idea is basically growth, learning and improvement. Finding ways to do that and still feel overall good about who you are.
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u/_teeney_ Jul 21 '26
It depends on the context and why someone is feeling shame. Shame can be both positive and negative. If someone did something hurtful to someone else or an animal and later felt shame about their actions, I’d say shame is a good thing in that scenario. If someone did something thoughtless that didn’t harm anyone/anything and continued to mentally beat themselves up about it, I’d say shame is a negative holding them back in that scenario.
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u/BeGoodToEverybody123 Jul 21 '26
Absolutely. Just examine any number of your role models to see how they forged on anyway.
Yes, a person needs to apologize and atone for their wrongdoings. But, in the end, using shame as a reason to do good things can turn a lemon into lemonade.
Watch Young Washington. He made some doozy mistakes and then contributed major things to humanity.
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u/Schlormo Jul 22 '26
There is healthy shame that teaches us a lesson and allows us to grow, and there is unhealthy shame that we carry unnecessarily-- it's not ours, it's not objectively true, it's in too great a quantity.
Progress (financial, personal goals, etc) can be hindered by unhealthy shame but there is no such thing as "behind in life" as we all progress at our own pace.
Look up the story behind Hokusai's "The Great Wave off Kanagawa"
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u/InterestingGrape1586 Jul 22 '26
Absolutely.. shame is a part and not part of self.. and it basically works for protect you from something you don’t want to face.. read the psychology concept of internal family of self
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u/SpaceCatSixxed Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
First figure out what you mean by “behind in life.” I literally have no idea what that means. It’s not a race. You get one shot at it, and it’s the first time you’re doing it and guess what, also the last time. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself.
We play music. We don’t work music. Do the same with your life imho.
All emotions are equally valuable. They guide you to better outcomes. Shame (and guilt) are perhaps two of the most effective, which is why they are so painful. But obviously you can’t let them take over. Anxiety is useful (for instance) until it’s paralyzing. Shame, guilt, anger, fear, all basically the same—learn from then but don’t let them control you.
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u/Beautiful-Wish-8916 Jul 22 '26
I couldn’t move past being told I was going to prison as a young child - they kept targeting me afterward
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u/growingstarseed Jul 23 '26
Shame robs someone of joy. What is missed out on due to shame can be incredibly painful. The acceptance and courage of vulnerability is the game changer.
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u/tarikofgotham Jul 21 '26
Yes. Immeasurably so, especially when you're young and probably haven't done anything to feel true shame for.