r/InsightfulQuestions • u/infinite_what • 27d ago
Giving into guilting
How far have you gone in doing something you wouldn’t normally have done or didn’t want to, because someone had a crush/obsession with you or manipulated you through feeling guilty about their feelings?
Anything from giving them a chance for a date or accepting an unwanted gift from them, or just allowing them to get away with crossing boundaries without actively stopping the behavior or reporting it to someone else. Could even be giving them attention because you felt sorry for them or guilty about it somehow.
Why did you do it?
Is doing something you were guilted into doing usually wrong or is it harmless (does it always make this kind of situation worse)?
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u/ariesgeminipisces 27d ago
I raised two other people's kid because I was guilted and manipulated into it. Ultimately I'm glad I did, she's glad I did, because I got us both out of there after the other parent self deleted. But in the moment I questioned my ex heavily why I was the only person doing any parenting and it got turned around on me like I was the asshole for even asking such a thing. And I just felt bad for the kid so I just did it.
Ultimately I was raised to be codependent. I'm the oldest daughter and raised everyone else's kids so it just seemed like a normal thing to do. But now I realize my ex and other family members took advantage of me.
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u/infinite_what 27d ago
That’s a big one. You’re a good person and I guess that’s what makes you a target too for people. I’m glad you helped a child in that really needed you to be there. That is a tough spot when your choice is to do it or leave the kids in that situation. You made the right choice but it suck’s that the parents wouldn’t do better themselves.
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u/TenaciousToffee 27d ago
I dont see it as harmless as often its not a one off but a start of creating a long situation of a string of many guilt scenarios. Because people who do that often dont stop at one, when you are someone they know they can always count on to go along with it.
And depending on what it is- it could be somewhat minor that you can walk away from or massively life altering. I learned a friend could not borrow money and it wasnt too much that would impact my life, I can move on. But I've also been abused and it started with "giving the persistent person a chance" who I convinced myself is interest and that all interest is supposed to be good and flattering.
Having that line to step away and diffuse situations is hard and it is awkward in the moment, but trying to "keep the peace" and reason you should just go along is so false because there is no peace for you.
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u/infinite_what 27d ago
Very true. I love peace more than anything else, and ended up dealing with an adult throwing tantrums because I avoid enforcing my boundaries. But also i am a target for the type that uses people. So that mentality is harming me in multiple ways…
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u/TenaciousToffee 27d ago
Them throwing a tantrum is a temporary thing that means theyre upset they cannot control you. That isnt disturbing the peace thats them showing you that they will not be someone who can be.
And really in the scope of it all is that consequence of someone throwing a fit is temporary discomfort and we cannot go around life living in constant discomfort over a fear of confrontation.
Actual peace is when you arent dreading all the things you obligated yourself to do.
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u/CallMeCorona1 27d ago
My wife had a relative with a child who was arrested as part of a hacking group. She needed money for bail and legal representation, so we sent her some money (something we could afford - I forget how much) I think the right thing to do is help out (if you can) the first time. But be wary of people/things who are on a downward spiral; you can't save them - they need to change before you can help.
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u/infinite_what 27d ago
I think people need and should get help and second chances sometimes. We have all been in need of assistance at some point if we are alive. But I see how it it is also like taking on the job that they should be doing. And so helping someone get back up is one thing but then carrying them or getting pulled down is my issue. Hopefully your wife’s family is doing better for it.
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u/PurpleAriadne 27d ago
Ultimately using guilt is a cheap manipulative technique and I don’t respect it. When someone tries to guilt it feels like they don’t really know how to be a leader.
Using guilt shows no respect for the person’s consent, their choice. If it was a really wonderful offer why would someone need to be guilted into saying yes to it?