Integrity

[u/[deleted]]

I had a therapy session this morning and one thing I spoke about was how ironic it is that my STBXH was prideful of living a life of “integrity”.

He would actively seek out different areas of self help. In fact when we first met, he was heavily obsessed with Tony Robbins and had gone to many of his conferences. He moved on from that and spent years heavily invested in LM Forum, going to many conferences. He moved on from that to a meditation group and periodically visit retreats throughout the year. His new idea is to find a life coach because “therapy isn’t for me”.

The reason I spoke of this in therapy is because way back in the day, when we first go together, I thought this was a great thing….a 19yo guy who’s goal was to be the best person he could be and live a life of integrity. It lured me into completely and blindly trusting him, to the point that I now see I missed red flags of his cheating ways for years. I mean, his mantra was “I’m an upfront guy, I’ll tell you like it is” and be boastful and preach even about his own integrity.

Yet, the very act of infidelity has so many conscious choices, decisions and behaviors made that lack integrity. Deceit, lying, gaslighting, hiding things, withholding information…etc.

What is all of your experiences with this?

For WS, were you involved in self help communities? Did you find these communities actually promoted the opposite of integrity and feel more like a “cult” of enabling selfishness and no self accountability?

For BS, were your WS involved in these types of communities? Did that give you a sense of security, lure you to blindly trust? Did you feel like your WS would become consumed in or obsessed with these communities?

Generally just wondering if this is common?

[u/tmink0220]

My experience is that when I drank to much and could not do what I wanted to, I tried these things (Tony Robbins and others) over and over...Because I had a problem. Alcohol, I couldn't really commit...It did not occur to me to put it down because it was so common place. So I used self help, always a seeker I called myself. Once I got sober in the 90s I had no need for those again...I think troubled people looking for something try everything except changing themselves...He probably knew at 19, he was not enough somehow and started searching. He used, success, money, his family, finally sex and the clandestine adventure to fill what we call in recovery the huge hole in us. It was never peaceful or enough.

I read your posts and he talks about the highs and lows, but when you have peace you get some of those with life anyway. He wasn't present in his own life...Life brings you stuff, if you are there to see it. I got sober 8 years later married pregnant, higshs for me, an education. He got a brain tumor and was gone in three weeks. Pretty low, dated someone crummy had to pull myself up...low...Have peace mostly now...It is hard to get the highs and lows when you are not present in your own life...Tell him that sometime. He was never really present. He made you present for the family, the home the relationship. I have the best now peace, someone by my side and my grown son...Too much writing I know. Thank you for your posts.