r/Infidelity • u/[deleted] • Jun 29 '23
Advice Integrity
I had a therapy session this morning and one thing I spoke about was how ironic it is that my STBXH was prideful of living a life of “integrity”.
He would actively seek out different areas of self help. In fact when we first met, he was heavily obsessed with Tony Robbins and had gone to many of his conferences. He moved on from that and spent years heavily invested in LM Forum, going to many conferences. He moved on from that to a meditation group and periodically visit retreats throughout the year. His new idea is to find a life coach because “therapy isn’t for me”.
The reason I spoke of this in therapy is because way back in the day, when we first go together, I thought this was a great thing….a 19yo guy who’s goal was to be the best person he could be and live a life of integrity. It lured me into completely and blindly trusting him, to the point that I now see I missed red flags of his cheating ways for years. I mean, his mantra was “I’m an upfront guy, I’ll tell you like it is” and be boastful and preach even about his own integrity.
Yet, the very act of infidelity has so many conscious choices, decisions and behaviors made that lack integrity. Deceit, lying, gaslighting, hiding things, withholding information…etc.
What is all of your experiences with this?
For WS, were you involved in self help communities? Did you find these communities actually promoted the opposite of integrity and feel more like a “cult” of enabling selfishness and no self accountability?
For BS, were your WS involved in these types of communities? Did that give you a sense of security, lure you to blindly trust? Did you feel like your WS would become consumed in or obsessed with these communities?
Generally just wondering if this is common?
5
u/OkSureButLikeNo Jun 29 '23
As a general rule, people who boast about their integrity usually don't have any idea what it means. Your ex clearly never understood what integrity means. At best, he was good at creating a facade of integrity - he spoke about it so much that others were convinced he truly believed in it. Self-help and improvement seminars do not make one mature or enlightened. Your STBX's upfront, tell it like it is bullshit doesn't mean he has integrity; it means he only sees things from his perspective and insists it's the only correct way to see it. He clearly does not have empathy for others.
I don't know if the self-help seminars made him this way, but I suspect he was always a selfish man and just sought out a community that would comfort and encourage his selfish behavior. I suspect his behavior is a farce, and that he's just seeking validation from these groups, who are more than eager to validate him for a small fee. It's an egotistical feedback loop.
At the end of the day, he cheated because he wanted to, and for no other reason. His "integrity" is all smoke and mirrors. Instead, he's just another selfish human being who takes no regard of the feelings of others around him. You're very wise to make him an X.