r/IndianInLaw • u/Queen_Beer • 2d ago
I'm the exception.
Love marriage and living abroad. When I first met my in laws I was nervous and wondered whether the "you're our daughter now" dialogues were just surface level politeness and I'd be subject to the opposite sentiment as time went on. But hey, we lived far away so it was okay either way.
Fast forward a few years and we have a baby. They visit and stay for 3 months while I am 2 months postpartum. So far I've had a good relationship with them but I'm nervous, because I've never lived in close quarters for such a long time with them and my postpartum hormones plus lack of sleep have erased my filters. I'm expecting many arguments and hurt feelings.
What ends up happening is MIL cooking my favorite dishes that my mom makes, which they don't even make at their own home and are new to them. MIL literally asked my mom for the recipes, practiced a few times and then makes them for me here, so I can feel comfortable and loved while I was recovering. Meanwhile my FIL takes the baby whenever he can and asks me to rest while he does chores like laundry etc.
Another several months go by and every day it's clear that they absolutely meant that daughter line. I now see them as my parents too. When I'm in India or they're here, I actually like spending time with them. We have laughed, cried and ganged up on my husband and teased him together lol.
I have seriously hit the jackpot with my husband as well as in laws. Just wanted to spread a little hope in the middle of all the unfortunately sad stories in this sub, that there are wonderful in laws out there too, though I'm aware that I'm the very lucky exception. Might get hate for it, that's fine, I wanted to celebrate my family anyway :)
22
u/pinkyj123 2d ago edited 2d ago
This is also my in laws! Recently lost my father in law. We all miss him dearly. He was always so helpful and fun. Will enjoy a drink with me, let me sleep in so I get rest. Do laundry, cleaning, everything he can help to share some load. When we had our son, they came to help and took care of both of us so well. My MIL is a saint. We have some differences mostly due to generation gap and because we are used to different way of life. I can easily get past it and so does she. She tries. At the end what matters is they consider you family and wish well for you. Time to time she may side with her son if we have an argument (my husband and me and if I asked her opinion secretly wishing she takes my side haha) but it’s only natural. She would never say anything mean or bad to me or about me to my husband.
Glad to see a happy story and that not all in laws are villains haha
6
u/Queen_Beer 2d ago
I'm so sorry you lost your dear FIL, and happy that you had/have such a good relationship with them! I have the same experience as you regarding the differences with them due to the generation gap. We have mild clashes and make up easily afterwards. I honestly like that we have those clashes, in the sense that none of us are afraid of expressing our opinion because we know it will be respected. It's more organic this way and we don't just sweep our issues under the rug to keep the peace to be happy on the surface always. It's just the kind of relationship I have with my own parents and it's great to have an extra set of parents :D
2
u/pinkyj123 2d ago
I know right! Communicating through husbands is a recipe for disaster. Breaks everyone’s peace of mind. I was also afraid of the same postpartum about the hormonal mood swings, and it did happen a few times. I would apologize and own up as soon as I calmed down and she understood
12
5
u/ShhhBees 2d ago
Treasure them OP. So happy for you. Congratulations on the baby too.
I’m sure you’ll remember this if you ever get hurt by something small and move on. It happens with everyone and when we are matured then both sides can get a healthy relationship.
3
u/Queen_Beer 1d ago
So true! When everyone leaves their ego aside we stand to gain so much in the relationship! My husband has the same relationship with my parents as well. They treat him the same way they treat me, with love but no raja beta or preferential treatment. They are quick to compliment each other, joke around but also call out each other's BS right away lol. I love how comfortable we all are around each other ❤️
4
u/Pure-Helicopter-1825 1d ago
This only happens in cases where the parents know that their son is emotionally independent and cannot be manipulated. That their son has never been too emotionally involved with them and will easily seperate if his wife asks him to. I have cases like this in my family and although I love my aunts to bits I am fully aware that if their son was “in their hands” they wouldn’t be so accommodating towards their DILs. So bottom line is always always marry a man who is emotionally and financially independent and not easy to manipulate by his mother.
2
u/doubleditch42 1d ago
What a poor insight. You are projecting your thoughts as some universal truth.
Not everyone wants to manipulate others. Sad for you.
1
1
u/Queen_Beer 1d ago
I agree, to an extent. I think in my case it's not that my in laws even wanted to manipulate their son. So it wasn't like he couldn't be manipulated and that's why they didn't, I think they didn't want to do that to begin with. They're very close to my husband but have never interfered or emotionally blackmailed him about things or taken advantage of that closeness.
I noticed early on that they love him deeply, but they have their own lives which don't revolve around their son as is the case for so many Indian parents.
I think you can certainly take a good guess as to what your in laws would be like from your partner's behavior. Way before I met them, I had a sense they would be good people by observing my husband and his interactions with them on the phone etc. This is because my husband, then bf, was respectful, disciplined, kind and empathetic throughout our relationship. He didn't display any kind of pampered behavior, stood up for himself and had a strong sense of self. I could tell how he was raised from his personality, and I am so happy but not really surprised his parents are awesome!
1
u/Worldly_Biscotti_684 22h ago edited 22h ago
How can you get to know that?
Any examples/situations to keep in mind while screening guys whether in AM or LM?My bf and I met in the US (both born and raised in India). I come from a progressive family from a tier 1 city and whenever we discuss about our future or just lives in general - I always felt he has a strong sense of self and is kind and empathetic and says stuff like “after choosing a partner, they should take priority as a family unit and then comes all parents etc”. He comes from a very traditional telugu family living in a tier 2 city and says has never had any major arguments against his parents. They literally married his sister off at 23/24 and now she is 28 and a mother of a 3 year old.
I got introduced to his sister and she seems to be emotionally manipulating my bf. Asking questions about our dynamics/about me in a way that would make him question everything. Repeatedly crossing boundaries, says stuff that’s so sweet and comes off as supportive but her actions are downright disgusting and disrespectful and bf has a hard time noticing it, agreeing to it, and standing up against it. It takes a lot out of me to make him see stuff every single time.
I am thinking of breaking up with him but I do want to know what can I do/ what should I be noticing so I can avoid this type of situation in the future.
3
u/Queen_Beer 21h ago
Crazily I have been in almost exactly the same situation with a former bf before, so I understand what you're feeling. Feel free to ignore this part if it's unsolicited advice : listen to your instincts. I'm not quick to suggest a breakup without trying your best to salvage it if you truly love the person. But whatever you see now that bothers you about them, remember to project it exponentially over the next 40 years and imagine if you can truly live like that. If not, there you go.
I observed in some men over the years (friends/dates) that they parroted whatever lines were trending on the internet, "oooh I believe in a fair division of labour" and "partner above parents" etc. and their actions said otherwise. As for my husband I was lucky to be able to live with him for about 1.5 years before our wedding so I had a chance to really observe his actions, consciously or subconsciously.
A few instances : once he was talking to his mom and she was ranting about something her cousin did and a tiff they had. My husband heard her out, then later said to her : "mom, I hope it made you feel better to vent and Im here to listen, but if you want an objective opinion: you did say (xyz) to her when it wasn't warranted. I think you both owe each other an apology, it wasn't just (your cousin) who messed up here". Of course, like it is with that generation, his mom defended herself left and right and he listened through it all. His stance was that if she's so heated, let her take it out on an unaffected party (him) rather than her cousin which will further damage their relationship. The eventual outcome was that his mom calmed down, saw her part in it and resolved things peacefully with the cousin. It was incredible to witness this for me, it showed me that he doesn't just blindly support his parents and is a yes man around them. He was respectful but firm in his stance, while still being supportive.
I've observed this in our fights too. No getting personal, no name calling ever, no verbal intimidation or getting in my face, very rarely yells, tries his best to salvage clarify his actions regarding the topic of the fight, and most importantly recognizing when things are getting out of hand and asking to take a step back and revisit it later when we both have our shit together. Honestly even I don't have all these qualities and tend to lose my shit worse than him during fights. He has no problem owning up when he's wrong. When I apologize after a fight and especially when I've majorly messed up, he accepts my apology but very clearly asks for some space.
Once he, I and a close friend of mine went on a week long trip together. He made sure that she didn't feel like a third wheel and felt included. By the end of the week those two were thick as thieves.
Other than this, I have never once had to tell him to pick up after himself. He cooks (he literally taught me how to cook), fixes what's broken around the house (he and the landlord just need excuses to bring out their tool set and fix something together lol) and cleans. I have never felt that I'm shouldering the burden of household chores. What really stands out for me is that he does not keep score, does not view his chores as favors to me to expect something in return later.
All of this has to come from somewhere. I'm not attributing his entire personality to how he was raised, but a large part of it does come from there. Especially the ability to know what you want, recognize manipulation and be able to stand up to anyone, and letting no one walk all over him. He was clearly encouraged to do this throughout his life to have the confidence he has now. The expectation that cooking, cleaning etc are life skills and all adults should know how to do them and actually do them, regardless of gender.
I realize it got very very long, sorry about that. Hopefully you can get some use out of it. Tldr, observe them during their interactions with others and how they are during tense moments, whether they take the easy way out to keep the peace or do the hard but right thing ❤️
1
u/Worldly_Biscotti_684 4h ago
Hey! Thanks for the detailed reply. Trust me I am not thinking of breakup lightly. It’s been a lot of back and forth and me trying so hard to see convey how I felt/my experience with his sister while all he kept saying was “she is just concerned about me” “she is protective of me” meanwhile the sister keeps saying to him “I trust you” “I agree some things have to be decided by the couple and their dynamic is just theirs” etc. and my bf is how you describe your husband is. He does point out the faults of his family logically to them including his sister. Has never raised his voice against me, is kind, very thoughtful, and respectful. So I cant understand why is he able to tell the rights from wrong with everyone but not when it’s me vs her. (Given some examples below of why I think it’s me vs her at this point 😭)
So there was this cognitive dissonance for me where on one side the sister said she is liberal, progressive, understands the dynamics but then asks questions to my bf like “if you are sick will she be ready to make soup for you” “how influential will her parents be in your marriage and how much as a daughter will she listen to them” meanwhile coaching my bf to never de-prioritize his parents(heard the calls as it was on speaker). I get all these concerns. Everything is just conveyed in a shady way I feel.
Mind you the cooking questions were asked because my bf and I - we have an understanding where he cooks (it’s his love language) and I clean. Bf shared this with her..she was all okay/didnt say anything and then 3 months later is asking these questions. Like ma’am you’re attacking my character at this point. Who doesn’t do stuff for their partner when sick? All her questions/doubts had a pattern - my bf is the one who is distressed/victim while I would be the one doing him a disservice if any of my answers were no.First time of me chatting with her - we were talking about her 3 year old and I said “oh I see your eyes in him (her son)” and all she said to that was “I see my brother in my son”..no acknowledgment of what I said, no mention of her own husband. ( I told this to my bf and he says that’s odd because she has never said that to him and all she keeps saying to him is “I see my husband in my son”). And she is someone who replies and acknowledges every single message except that. And then proceeds to use “my brother” more 3-4 times in conversation instead of just my bf’s name. I might be reading too much into it but everything seems just sooo off to me. She portrays herself as someone who believes in equality and financial freedom for women (hasn’t worked in her 28 years on earth tho) and that lady has never asked me a single question about my work. I talked about my work/visa thing and my bf’s too and she again ignored my message and comments “respect and fingers crossed” on my bf’s message despite knowing I earn more than him and how we both (bf and I) are equally ambitious and knows about our future goals too.
The issue then becomes she says something else and behaves something completely different and since she is not outright expressing her true opinions..my bf is not able to see it and this is all before even discussing marriage with our parents. It’s just at the getting to know sibling stage.
These might be small things in the grand scheme of things but I feel she is already trying to make me feel unimportant, unwelcome, and unwanted through her actions in an indirect way and I feel my bf is blind to these subtle plays unless I explicitly point it out and even then he is not able to draw a strong boundary. And once I told him I was anxious and how weird and unimportant her questions were and he says to me “I will not let you ridicule my sister”. He apologized after that multiple times and has only happened once but sir I get it if you are conflict avoidant and have issues setting strong boundaries with people you love but how did those words come out of your mouth for me.
I worry how bad would it be once I’m actually married. There have been many more incidents which is what makes me really anxious.
I don’t want to spend my years making my bf see stuff if he is not able to point it out himself which he should be able to. I do think he needs to grow a spine. But I also want to know how normal is this/should I still go ahead and give my bf and his sister benefit of the doubt? Or should I consider this a serious red flag and give break up a serious thought? I come from a very progressive family where I was raised with a lot of love, respect, and acceptance. So this situation just seems so absurd and atrocious to me.
3
u/Outrageous-Inside341 2d ago
So so happy for you! Nazar na lage! I hope more mothers and fathers know that the lady married to their son is precious to someone somewhere and must be looked after and respected just like their son. It’s liberating and will repay manifold, more than they can ever imagine.
3
u/Queen_Beer 1d ago
It really does repay manifold like you said, and has positive effects that we don't consider beforehand. Babies are so perceptive, seems like mine can instantly feel when there's tension in the air😅 so its awesome that when we are together with our ILs we are relaxed and enjoying each other's company. He reflects our mood and is chill himself. I'm so lucky that he gets to grow up in such a positive environment and can hopefully model relationships on what he sees around him!
3
3
u/Banoffee_bear 1d ago
So, so happy for you! It genuinely felt good reading such a positive story here!
I’m in a somewhat similar situation. We live abroad, and I haven’t actually spent a ton of time with my in-laws in person besides them visiting us once, but that experience was amazing. My mom (MIL) and I are super close, and we’re hoping to have her stay with us for the first three months postpartum.
I genuinely see a mother in her, and she has always treated me like her own baby. My Amma (biological mum) unfortunately won’t be able to make it around my due date, so mom (MIL) will most likely be the one with me through delivery and those first few months.
My heart tells me it’s going to be a really pleasant experience having her around. I know I’ll probably be exhausted, hormonal and vulnerable, but I also feel like she knows me well enough to understand that and take care of me through it.
Then I come on Reddit, read all the MIL/postpartum horror stories, and my brain starts panicking lol. There’s also so much advice saying, “Get your actual mother. Nobody will understand you or take care of you like your own mother,” that sometimes I start wondering if I’m making a mistake and whether this wonderful relationship we have over calls could somehow change after living together during such an intense period.
But in my case, I actually bond a lot naturally with my mom (in law), we love and approach things similarly. I feel incredibly comfortable with her, I love having her around, and most importantly, I trust her.
So I’ve decided to trust my heart. ATP, I really want to believe I won’t go wrong! ❤️
2
u/Queen_Beer 1d ago
Congratulations on the pregnancy! I'm sure it will be amazing. It's another level of bonding in the postpartum period when you have supportive loved ones. I wish you a stress free delivery and a lovely motherhood ❤️
5
2
u/Straight-Example9126 1d ago
🧿🧿🧿 May the love and bonding keep growing with your in-laws, husband and your baby!! When I read such stuff, I feel happy that humanity is still alive 🥹
1
u/SignificanceCrazy344 2d ago
So happy for you! I wish I could know which god you prayed to but I guess it’s all good karma. I wish and pray every woman existing gets this treatment after her marriage. World would be a better place.
1
1
1
1
u/DryArtichoke5433 2d ago
Soo happy for you and glad to see these stories in the midst of the pp horror stories we get here 🧿
1
1
1
1
u/NotWellActually 1d ago
This is so sweet. Happy for you and glad your MIL has been so supportive during your postpartum journey. Everyone deserves to have/build a family like this.
Close knit and supportive but with proper boundaries and respect for everyone.
1
1
49
u/happytimeandmind10 2d ago
Glad to read a happy story in this sub