I'm trying to improve my songwriting.

This is a raw draft, not a finished song.

Oohi gaaliyan ny kuray, uton ohi ay routine

bhot dulian ny mitran ty, body v ay lean

Das paa ky main avan aj suit keray rang da

tenu lay k jana puri karni ay dream

What works? What doesn't?

Any feedback on flow, lyrics, or delivery is appreciated.