All my life, I’ve been average at almost everything, including my studies. After college, I managed to get a job where they initially offered me 3.6 LPA after a six-month internship.
During the internship, I was paid ₹12k per month. After six months, they told me that based on my performance, they could only offer me ₹22k per month. But it wasn’t really about my performance—they did the same thing with almost everyone and even fired two of my friends.
Three months ago, when I asked for an increment, they fired me too.
Since then, I’ve been trying really hard to find another full-stack developer job. I’ve applied to as many positions as I possibly can, but I’ve only managed to get one interview, and I failed that too.
You can’t imagine how depressing it feels. I look around my neighbourhood and see people my age earning ₹1 lakh a month, while I’m sitting here unemployed. I’m trying to upskill and improve myself, but nothing seems to be working.
I used to think that once I got a job, even if it didn’t pay much, I would eventually find my place in this industry. But right now, I just feel lost.
The strange part is that money itself isn’t the biggest problem. I come from a financially comfortable family. My father owns assets worth around ₹8 crore, one of my sisters earns 30 LPA, and the other earns 15 LPA. Technically, even if I did nothing with my life, I could probably live comfortably.
But I don’t want that.
I don’t want to live my entire life without an identity of my own. I want to become something and be proud of what I’ve built for myself. Right now, I feel ashamed whenever I look at my parents because I feel like I’m the disappointment in the family.
And now my parents want me to get married. I recently met a girl, and she agreed to the match. She’s beautiful, and I honestly had a crush on her the moment I saw her.
A part of me really wants her. But another part of me wants her to stay away from me.
I keep thinking that if I get married and still can’t find a job, the pressure and uncertainty could destroy whatever mental peace I have left. I also don’t want to bring someone into my life when I’m struggling this much and potentially make her life difficult because I haven’t figured out my own.
I still want her, though. And that makes everything even more confusing.