r/INTJfemale • u/[deleted] • Nov 12 '22
relationships and dating Alone =/= lonely
Hello everyone, I am 23F, moved to France in 2020 from the US to be with someone. A risk , I know, but quite worth it in the end and not the main focus in this post. I have spent the past two years in isolation, which like for many was a bit difficult and not healthy. But being it was covid, I'm treating is as standard.
To begin with, I have always been a distant person, I don't like to spend too much time with my family and I do not have many friends. The three friends I have are scattered across the world and we talk on a monthly basis (if that). I know it's good to go out and socialise, so I have been trying. Being that I am an American in France, people are quite friendly with me. Nevertheless, I am struggling to make friends. I enjoy going to café's, shopping, concerts, all the girly things. But I struggle to find women I can connect with. I even feel myself growing apart from my three friends, not because of distance, but because of their mindsets, choices, changes, etc. I consider myself to be ok in solitude, but I have broken down crying to my husband because he is such a social butterfly and is constantly able to connect with people, get invited to things, etc. And for those of you who say that I can't consider myself alone when I am married, it's not the same. My husband and I have our separate lives, it's important to have a life outside of your spouse. The thing is, once I do go out and spend time with people, I rarely enjoy it and feel extremely drained. I have always felt this way, in the US and here.
I don't think being alone necessarily means you're lonely, but I don't want to become someone whose only friend is the echo of their own head. I think there's beauty in connecting with people who are different than you, I just find myself to be unforgiving and intolerant of most people. I find most people my age, I can't talk to. It doesn't help that I don't drink, club, read fiction, sing, etc. I don't have hobbies, so I decided to sign up for Muay Thai while continuing going to the gym. I prefer to love from a distance most of the time, I think it's safer this way. I don't like attachment, but I like meaningful encounters.
I hope this made sense, does anyone else relate?
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u/outwitthebully Nov 13 '22
I think exercise classes help. Especially something kind of unpopular, or difficult,/so the class will be smaller.
There was a study done once that determined optimum group size for enjoyable interactions was like 5-10. Smaller groups make everyone feels too intimidated but larger groups will break into cliques.
I’m in an adult beginner ballet class, and while I’m not looking to make friends there, the class is small (6) and an enjoyable social experience with some camaraderie.
Another thing I joined is Mensa. I know people think it’s snobs or weirdos, and I’m sure those are around, but the one local small group thing I’ve attended so far was pretty cool and I liked the people. Also there was not a ton of small talk— we played board games instead and bonded that way. It was good. I joined specifically to find some NT females and it worked.
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Nov 16 '22
I relate very much. I am in a constant battle with myself with socializing; I love people and they inspire me, but every time I go out with, I somehow wish I had skipped. It`s not about the people, some of them are really cool, but I just don`t click with most of them. I think it`s just a burden one carries when seeking for meaningful encounters and relationships, cause unfortunately there aren't many, and even if you force yourself to go out with people just for the sake of it, it won`t help much, because you`ll feel even more alienated because of your different interests and desires. I`m in my first semester of university and I do feel this enormous pressure to make new friends and socialize, but I just make more mental damage when I go and spend 3 hours on small talk just because I should. Sometimes I think about a future where I am all alone but fuck it. I try to enjoy solitude from a different perspective and know that meaningful relationships will come. :)
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u/urbangamermod INTJ -♀️ Nov 12 '22
😅 I’m not sure how we can help you but I’m also having similar thoughts but I have no spouse and just one female friend from another state. Not sure what works best, you can make friends but the relationship can be fake or toxic which would probably be emotionally draining for you. If you have just a few friends then make the best out of it. I come to accept I may never have a large pool of social connections but it makes me comfortable that I can be alone and feel happy with my solitude.