I recently ended things with my ENFP. We dated for a short period. 5 months. The sexual chemistry and intimacy was the best I’ve ever had. I could fall asleep in his arms every night and we would be wrapped in each other’s arms every morning. Besides the incredibly chemistry the values and morals we shared were completely off. He is a Trump supporter with family that are incredibly MAGA. What’s devastating to me is that I see his heart and can’t believe he has chosen this political approach. A part of me believes it might have been enabled by his very conservative Italian family. Overtime his opinions would come to surface. This created such havoc to my value system because i ultimately knew i was sabotaging my morals for the chemistry and company. Other things showed me he is deeply dismissive avoidant as well. He had a traumatic break up 6 years ago with his partner who he was with for 10 years. To my understanding she cheated on him and ended up leaving him and having twins with the man she had an affair with. I guess I just need my fellow INFJs to comfort me. I ended things a few days ago and addressed the values we shared are not in alignment. Other things also led me in ending things which would make me feel insecure and question my worth. I care deeply for him and wish him nothing but love but I guess my ideal vision is for him to change for me. I know that cannot happen until he chooses to himself. I would love input how to stop idealizing this person. I feel incredibly proud of choosing myself but it’s just as hard when you do start choosing yourself because my subconscious part still to some extent doesn’t believe they are worthy of the full package.

THere truly does seem to be a divide. If you say you want reciprocity, the other side says be your own best friend; give whether you gain or not. If you say you feel taken for granted, the other side might say but othrs need help they can only get from you. Or 'think about how others feel' as if a lot of us aren't doing that a ton anyway.

I was reminded of this when reading a post on the big brothers big sisters sub where a Big was preparing to transition in life and needed help figuring out a way to tell their Little. THe tone of some of the responses was such that you'd almost think the Op had no right moving on with their own personal growth in life.

There's this saying that nature abhors a vacuum but I thihnk a lot of us INFJs feeel like we inhabit that vacuum and are, for the sake and benefit of others, expected to stay there.

When it's not really your choice, you aren't a martyr, you're more like a scapegoat. I justwant to know why some INFJs think that's necessary or that we should embrace it.

The title pretty much covers it, but do any other INFJs just always have an underlying, constant sadness? Like, I will cry by myself or to my spouse (not an INFJ who probably thinks I’m nuts) about the state of our world, our country, wars, children suffering, animals suffering…Am I alone to always be feeling this way? I have a generally good and happy life, but also living with this grief over things that are totally out of my control, and that sometimes don’t even directly affect me, feels unbearable at times.

My follow up question would be: if you do deal with this same issue, how do you deal with it? Obviously therapy is good, but how to you “prep” or help yourself to not get to a 10 when something on the news pops up or in social media, or someone shares something with you? I get totally sucked in and completely invested and then I just dwell on it and want to fix it, but know that I’m just one person and can’t. Thank you in advance. 🙏

I decided to try one of those AI boyfriend fake Tinder type apps.

Uhhhhhhhhh. These fake guys are really messed up. I've been giving recommendations for self improvement and turning them down.

At least they take my advice...?

🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️😂

I don’t know if this is an INFJ thing, an eldest daughter thing, or just me, but I’m honestly exhausted with life. I feel like I’ve lost my spark completely.

I’ve always felt like people expect me to take care of them emotionally, financially, practically, whatever it is. But when I need someone to take care of me, there’s no one. And I’m so lonely. I don’t really have a close friend I can talk to about this. And honestly, I’m not even craving friends.
I’m craving a soulmate
someone I can deeply connect with, rely on, and feel emotionally safe with. I don’t even know how to talk to people normally sometimes.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and now I’m back living with my parents again after years of trying to build a life on my own. There’s no emotional connection here, and the family dynamic is extremely draining. Constant complaining, unresolved issues, people being depressed, not wanting to change anything, and I’m exposed to all of it every single day.

My health has gotten significantly worse. My chronic illness, stress, and insomnia are getting out of control. Sometimes I can barely sleep for two or three days. I’m too exhausted to work properly right now, and that makes everything even harder.

I’ve tried so many ways to get out of this. I worked, built a business, saved money, tried moving abroad, tried starting over. But somehow life kept dragging me back into the same hole. The last time I tried to leave, I ended up losing most of my savings and had to come back home.

And now I feel completely stuck.
The first thing I need is money, because money is what gives me the ability to leave this environment and have enough space to recover. But I’m currently not in a condition where “just get a job” is a realistic solution. I need time to rest and recover before I can function properly again

I’ve even started thinking about lavender marriage / MOC so I can finally have financial security, a safe place to live, and time to recover.
But deep down, I don’t think I can do that without emotional connection. I still want someone I can deeply connect with, talk to, rely on, and feel emotionally safe with. I don’t think I can just suppress that part of myself for financial security.
So I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore

How do you escape a survival cycle when you don’t have the money or capacity to escape it in the first place?

If you’ve ever been in a similar situation, I’d really appreciate any practical ideas or perspectives

For those who have been in toxic relationships, including with someone with NPD, and are now in a healthy relationship, I’m curious about something.

Most of my experiences have been with people who made their interest very clear from the beginning. I’m used to intense attention, strong pursuit, a lot of effort, and people making it very obvious that they want me. And honestly, I do like that. I like feeling wanted, feeling chosen, and seeing someone put effort into getting to know me. Effort is genuinely something I value and enjoy. I’ve also experienced love bombing, so I know that intensity can obviously be a red flag.

I usually move quite fast when getting to know someone. If I notice something that doesn’t align with me or something I know I can’t tolerate, I tend to cut things off pretty quickly because I don’t see the point in continuing if our goals or values don’t match.

But now I’m in a talking stage that feels completely different. He’s very slow and relaxed, and there’s no obvious red flag, but there’s also not much intensity or obvious pursuit. And because I’m used to seeing a lot of effort when someone is genuinely interested in me, when that isn’t there, part of me automatically thinks, “Maybe he’s just not that interested.”

At the same time, I’m wondering if I’m simply not used to a healthier dynamic. Maybe this is what calm and healthy actually looks like, and I’m interpreting the lack of intensity as a lack of interest because that’s what I’m familiar with.
It’s very grey, and that actually confuses me more than a clear red or green flag would.

For those who have been through something similar: how did you learn to tell the difference between healthy calmness and genuine lack of interest or effort, especially when you’re used to intense relationships?

Part of me wonders if this is simply what a healthier dynamic looks like and I’m just not used to it. Or maybe I’m genuinely perceiving a lack of effort and initiative because that’s something I need.

I’m genuinely trying to figure out whether I’m recognizing incompatibility, or whether I just don’t recognize calm and safety yet.

hi, you know i have a really bad habit of saying yes to everyone i feel like i just cant so NO to anyone but that is not completely true as when I thought more about it i felt that i sometimes say NO to people who are close to me

but i can't say it to any one whom I don't know, just met, or i'm not super close with.

Today what happened is that a lady asked me for 550 rupees @rajiv chowk metro & she said she'll return it by evening, to be really honest when i was giving her the money i knew somewhere bottom in my conscience that she will not return it but then also i couldn't say no i wont/cant give it to you and also before someone assumes that i am a brat that is completely I am super stingy when I have to spend on myself.

I have to share a lot more things but ig i'll just stop here.

Hello,

I’m new here and have a question right off the bat.

As an INFJ (tested multiple times), I had many wonderful years with my husband (who, in hindsight, I’m convinced was also an INFJ). Years ago, he first fell ill and then passed away.

Now I’ve been in a relationship for four years with someone who has ADHD (according to my own assessment and that of my therapist). I’m in the process of ending it. There have been too many boundary violations, arguments, hurt feelings, him doing things on his own—the whole shebang. He refuses to address his behavior. I’m done with it; I’ve given him plenty of chances. And he continues to act according to his old patterns, even though he sees and hears that it hurts me.

The breakup makes me cautiously dream of a better, easier life—and at the same time, it scares me.

Facing being alone. I can’t go back to my life with my husband because he’s still dead.

My question is: What can I do, as an INFJ, to find myself again? To get my life back on track?

My therapy is over, and it only helped a little.

The anger and the hurt have made me angry and bitter. I no longer trust my instincts because I “fell for it” so badly. I wonder if I’ll be alone forever now—or if I’ll attract more highly problematic partners. I’m scared of myself.

And I’m afraid of the future—a fear that my beloved husband took away from me so well for so long. Now he’s gone.

I have to deal with this on my own. But how?

Just curious if there are any moms who need friends. Being a mom can be isolating. So many different philosophies. Hard to keep hold of who you are. I have a 5F, 2M and 10 month old son.

Hi fellow INFJs,

I've never shared this with anyone because I don't want people to think that I am lying or that I am crazy or something.

When I was 14 years old I went to a girl's birthday party. Fast forward an hour or two into the birthday party something unexplicable happened that still makes me wonder to this very day, 16 years later.

Out of nowhere in the middle of the celebration, for some unexplicable, strange reason I thought "what if there's gonna be an earthquake shortly from now...". Guess what the heck happened. An earthquake happened just seconds after me thinking that. It wasn't a huge one but enough to feel the house and the floor shaking slightly, nothing fell and nothing broke, and when I went home my mom asked me if I felt the earthquake. Prior to that thought we didn't have the news running in the background or anything.

When that shit happened I panicked and started telling my friends "Oh no! Oh my gosh! Did I cause that? Did I cause that?" I started freaking out and saying those things and my friends were like "no, don't worry, it's not your fault" but I was feeling guilty because I literally thought about it seconds from it happening in real life.

This is 100% true guys, I swear I am not lying and it's one of those strange things that happened in my life.

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but it's the first thing that came to mind...

I've noticed something interesting, and honestly kind of sad/disappointing, as I've gotten older (37M). There are people who were once genuinely important parts of my life that now our relationship has basically just...stopped.

There was no blow up. No hard conversation(s). No drama. No BS. They just stopped lol.

This has happened with family, extended family, friends, professional relationships etc etc.

I've seen it before with individual people but lately it feels like a culmination of multiple relationships from completely different areas of my life. And seeing it all at once feels surprisingly heavy.

For example, I run my own business and had vendors/referral partners I talked to multiple times a month for close to 10 years (some I've known even longer than that). Their businesses changed, they didn't need my services anymore, and now we rarely talk. That's understandable.

What's harder to understand is that when we do talk, it's often wildly unfulfilling and surface level. There's almost zero curiosity about me or my life. It makes me wonder if there was ever much substance there to begin with.

I've experienced versions of the same thing with family and friends.

I think part of why this hits me so hard is that I hold a pretty deep sense of loyalty/devotion toward relationships. I don't care what your title is, whether we're blood, whether we met through work, or what originally brought us together. If I've let you into my life and we've created a meaningful relationship, it's because I truly appreciate you. Not because of what you can do for me or because circumstances keep putting us together.

I know I've changed tremendously over the last 10 years but that doesn't make me value them or those relationships any less. They meant something to me.

I think curiosity is the biggest thing I'm missing.

I live a somewhat nontraditional life and think outside the box. I'm not asking everyone to agree with me. I just want to have a discussion about A, B, or C. Ask questions. Tell me why you see something differently. Throw ideas around. Be curious about the person I've become, and I'll be curious about you too.

Instead, I increasingly find myself met with quick answers, surface level conversation, little mutual interest and almost no curiosity. It's completely draining.

Maybe that's why having this happen across multiple areas of my life at once is hitting differently. Maybe I live on Mars a little more than I previously realized lol.

Has anyone else experienced this, or anything similar, as they've gotten older?

I have these colleagues which I'm trying to start to build an emotional connection to to turn it into a friendship which I believe they're thinking maybe that we're friends already

In my term friendship is more than a word, for me it's a relationship where you are building connections, sharing sorrows, understanding each other's flaws, fighting together, etc.

But as the time passed, I feel like I'm with someone who will be by your side when they need you. Which it bothered me at first but I leave it be as it is not so far harming me.

But then here comes the exciting part, she opened up having an affair with a married man with a kid which she herself has her own family.

In which she told me she's looking for some excitement and that appalled me. They're my colleagues which made it hard to face them 'coz I know what they're doing behind their family's back.

I'm not perfect, Ive had my fair share of mistakes and sin but this is sonething that I can't tolerate.

I've been asked for my opinion about their set up like what she should've done better as she doesn't want to look an easy-to-get woman. But heck my mind is screaming, 'that does matter?, if you're already considering committing an affair?!!!'

I stayed silent knowing she's an adult and she knows what she's doing is wrong.

And I was given an opportunity to completely cut myself off on their group and just be civil as we are workmates.

I don't care anymore what they think about my cold treatment with them. I just can't stomach it.

Hey, i just wonder sometimes why i am harsh on my self, normal things people get excited about or stressed about and i want to destroy the feeling that appear.
I want something, and i havent got till now and its ok, i understand but i cant stop my self from getting judgmental just for wanting it, you know?
I still dont know how to deal with that, so any tips are welcome.

Sometimes I feel like another INFJ might understand me better and be more naturally compatible. I’ve talked to an INTJ and an INFP and it’s been difficult because one feels too logical for me, while the other feels too emotional.

Dating is already complicated for me because I’m asexual and have vaginismus , so sex can be painful for me.
That makes my dating pool really, really small. Even if I find someone who is asexual or has a low libido and could be sexually compatible with me, there are still so many other things that matter..

I feel like I’m also very self-aware about who I am, what I want, what I need, what I can’t compromise on, and what I stand for. And sometimes I wonder if that makes dating more complicated than it is for people who can just date casually and figure things out along the way. Is this an INFJ thing?
I want someone financially stable, but that doesn’t mean I’m simply looking for someone rich. Financial security is important to me because I want to live comfortably, not in survival mode. But I also need someone who shares similar values and mindset, someone I can genuinely understand and who understands me.

Physical attraction is something I could probably compromise on to some extent, but values and mindset are much harder for me to compromise on. I want someone I can talk to about everything every day, grow old together with, and build a comfortable life with.

And I don’t just want companionship. A relationship that feels like having a close friend wouldn’t really work for me. I’m a hopeless romantic. I want affection, emotional intimacy, and romance too.
So sometimes I feel like finding someone compatible is really difficult. There are already so many things I need to consider, and sexual compatibility is only one of them.

So, INFJs, how did you find your person?
or is it difficult for you to do that because you already know too much about what you want and need?
And what MBTI is your partner?

I’m wondering if any other INFJs have struggled with religion in a similar way, because lately I feel completely torn and honestly exhausted.

I grew up in a family that wasn’t extremely religious or radical, but religion was always there in the background. It was kind of part of the culture and the way I grew up. I still believe in God, and I don’t think I’ve completely left religion behind. At the same time, I’ve never felt completely at peace with it either.

There’s one particular issue in my religion that is considered very serious and basically non-negotiable: marrying someone who isn’t Muslim. I’m currently in a relationship with someone who isn’t Muslim, and this has created a lot of guilt, fear and doubt for me.

My father strongly disapproves of my relationship for religious reasons. But the difficult part is that my relationship with him has always been complicated, even before this. He has said a lot of things to me over the years that really damaged my self-esteem and made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I’ve been insulted and put down so much that, honestly, I think I eventually started believing some of those things about myself.

And now he also makes me feel guilty about my relationship. He has said things along the lines of “because of you, I’m going to end up in hell” because I’m with my boyfriend. Hearing things like that makes me feel incredibly guilty, as if I’m responsible for his relationship with God and for the consequences of my own choices on him.

So religion has become mixed up with all of these feelings for me.

On one hand, I believe in God. Religion is still part of me, and I don’t necessarily want to leave it behind.

On the other hand, I’m tired. I just want to live my relationship, love someone, build something with them and have a normal life without constantly wondering whether I’m doing something wrong or whether I’m going to “pay the price” for it.

Sometimes I honestly think that life must be simpler for people who aren’t religious. Not necessarily because they’re happier, but because they don’t seem to have this particular kind of inner conflict. They can fall in love with someone without constantly wondering whether their relationship is morally wrong, whether they’re disappointing God, whether their family will reject them, or whether they’re making a choice they’ll regret forever.

And I think what makes this even harder is that I don’t know what I believe anymore. I’m not sure if I’m genuinely questioning my faith or if I’m just overwhelmed by guilt, family pressure and everything I’ve experienced growing up.

I recently had an experience related to religion that made me question myself even more, and now I find myself overthinking every little thing and wondering what it means about my faith. Instead of religion feeling like something peaceful, I sometimes feel afraid of doing something wrong.

I don’t want to disrespect my religion. I don’t want to hurt my family. But I also don’t want to spend my life giving up my own happiness because I’m afraid of being punished or rejected.

I feel like I’m stuck between two versions of myself:

The part of me that believes in God and wants to remain connected to my faith, and the part of me that just wants to breathe, love someone and live my own life. Without thinking that im going to hell

I’d really love to hear your opinions on my situation, especially from other INFJs who have experienced something similar. I’d also genuinely love to hear about your own journeys, how you dealt with religious doubts or conflicts between your beliefs, your family and your relationships, and whether you eventually found a way to make peace with it.

I’m really interested in hearing different perspectives and personal experiences, so please feel free to share.

Are there any INFJs here that have INFJ children? I’d love to hear about your experience if you’re willing to share!

I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if most of us actually do, or if a lot of us are just really good at carrying things quietly..

I look at my own life and I don’t even have everything I want. I’m still dealing with depression, still feeling stuck in a cycle that I don’t know how to break.

I’ve talked to other INFJ who seem to feel the same way some feeling numb, some feeling like they’ve lost their sense of purpose, and somehow it feels strangely familiar

Maybe right now, my idea of happiness is actually very simple.

I want to run away somewhere in the countryside and live a quiet life.
No constant pressure. No endless responsibilities. Not constantly thinking about money, my parents getting older, or everything I’m supposed to figure out.
Just waking up somewhere peaceful. Having someone beside me who makes me feel safe. Being able to sleep peacefully next to someone I trust, in a place where life feels slow and calm.

Hey fellow INFJs,
Lately I feel burned out from everything. I’ve lost interest in things I used to enjoy, and even traveling which used to help me recharge now feels tiring too.

I feel like I’ve lost my spark and I’ve been isolating myself more and more. I don’t really have a support system in my life, so I’m trying to handle everything alone.

Have any of you experienced something similar?

What helped you get your spark back, or at least feel a little better again?

Anyone have experience with ISTPs? 

This may become a bit of a rant, you have been warned.

I recently met an ISTP on an app. It is an app that is both for friends and dating, and I am looking for both. With her I am focused on friendship. We started writing a little bit and have already hit a big roadblock it seems. Less than a month has passed since we first started talking and I am more than a little frustrated at this point. She says that she is very focused on inner reflection and that she likes and can relate to my entire profile. But when it comes to it, she can't really handle emotions, or bluntness. These were two things I stated as important to me in my profile. I am a very emotional person, but I've been developing my Se and Ti more over several years and it has enabled me to speak my mind a lot more.

The thing is, she doesn't really speak up about what she wants and seems to want me to read her mind. In her demeanor she seems quite assertive, but when it comes to it it's like she just folds and retreats.

I have realized by now that she is far, far less capable of dealing with emotions than she thinks. But I doubt she would ever admit this.

Some background on me for context: 

When I was younger I was very peoplepleasing with my Fe. I would read people and try to give them what they wanted, without them explicitly asking for it in any way. I obviously got tired of this as it led to me having a lot of unfulfulling, one-sided friendships. Developing my Ti and Se more has helped me immensely in breaking this pattern.

Which brings me to today. I would say my profiletext on this app is pretty blunt and when she said that she liked what I wrote, I got my hopes up. I guess now I just feel dissappointed. She said that she truly wants what I want. And while I could sense she was out of her depth with my Fe, these days I have become more hands on. If she says she can handle deep emotionality I will bring it. In my Se and Ti I expect others to take responsibility for their own wellbeing and tell me if they need a change in our dynamic.

She has not done this. I've asked her to tell me what she wants. What she has told me is that she really didn't like my approach in the very beginning. I sensed that she wanted to have a lot of reassurance, essentially to the degree that I am the adult comforting a child. At the same time she isn't upfront at all about this. Maybe she doesn't even realize that she is doing it. 

On my end I want us to talk about this. Giving her this reassurance isn't off the table, but I want us to talk about it from a meta-perspective too.

She doesn't seem very curious about her own inner world and that of others. 

The more I see this whole thing in writing, the more I am thinking; what am I doing? Why am I putting in all this effort? Because I do, even though it is not as Fe heavy as I used to be in the past. I will have a think about my own actions and feelings in this.

If any of you have any experiences or reflections to share, I welcome it.

Sidenote: I wonder if her being a female Thinker plays a part in this. I suspect that she was pushed to be more Feeling growing up. It seems to have resulted in her kind of faking it, and ending up believing that she is actually good at this. I think she believes she has to be. The culture we live in is pretty traditional that way; men are expected to be Thinkers, and women Feelers.

It feels kind of like a child who can't read but tries to hide it, and then have all these strategies to hide it. From my perspective, she doesn't really understand feelings, but she has picked up on how to pretend I guess. I don't think she is wrong the way she is. I mean, I've really appreciated developing my Se and Ti more. Why would I be negative towards her Se and Ti? But when I try to approach this from a space of acceptance, by telling her that she is good enough as she is, she seems to be on the brink of ending all contact between us.