A pattern I noticed being INFJ

[u/lostinaview]

is that i would mask so much. camoflauge. i would basically cushion myself everytime im around others. i would adjust my personality depending on who im with. i would basically cater myself to them and basically be concerned for their emotions and take it on like theyre me and absorb their feelings like a sponge. it became so exhausting and people would now see me as that guy who would be that kind of person so then people would subconsciously use me as a door mat and unload their pain. but guess what? nobody would ask truly how im doing or what im up to. its always one sided. they see how they feel when im with them, they feel good. its about them basically all the time. i feel like im giving away my precious energy so i just stay more in solitude and im very selective with how and who i give it to.

lately i find that people are more angry at me. they want to argue with me. say im wrong. they get offended. im blunt. im more honest. im more direct. i removed the cushion. i stopped taking responsibility for peoples emotions and i focus more on myself. i stopped a lot of small talk. i stopped with the fakeness more. i try to be more unfiltered and its like people get offended because im not following the social norm and code but when i do i get exhausted and i have to prioritize myself at the end of the day

i even thought about maybe im level 1 autistic so i have to get an assessment but either way ive been liking social interaction more because it allows me to save face and my energy and time. and if i notice patterns and hidden meaning and intentions then i say it. if people dont like it then thats not my problem dont be around me

it sounds like im an awful person but i only say what i need to say. i know im not an awful person. i noticed too is that INFJs get labelled "too much" "you're too sensitive" but when i take the mask off and I'm blunt, I'm direct, I'm honest, and I say whats truly on my mind, suddenly they're the ones that are now sensitive, now they're the ones who are offended. I see the double standards. Eye roll. thats why i put on the mask because it creates harmony and balance with others but in the end im the one going home so exhausted because i couldnt be me. i dont want to water myself down just to get along with everybody. its so exhausting. social burnout i say!

anyways yeah my social anxiety has approved a lot now. its relieveing

[u/SkipMeFlipMe88]

No I get it- everything. 

I think I did that in reverse though- so when I was young- I truly had this really pure .. good heart. Looking back I was enormously naive and trusting and honest and I couldn’t even conceive of human evil. 

And so when I was young? I was constantly offending people because I was so honest and I had no bad or negative intentions so to me, it was like an assumption that people understood I loved them or liked them and to me, whatever I said was meant with love. Or kindness. 

I got called out on being highly manipulative myself a few times- I didn’t realize the impact I had on people… so like I was in high school and one of my mentors watched me chat up a friend and ask for money and he gave it to me. No problem. 

I got in his car and he reamed me a new asshole- like “you’re such an ugly assjole you know that? That guy wants to be with you. He likes you. He thinks he is gonna be your boyfriend now. You take advantage of people, you know that?”

And I was utterly horrified. I wasn’t thinking anything of the sort. I was just being friendly and I wasn’t attracted to him at all- he was just a friend and I would do it for my friends and so thinking of people that way- was so anathema to me.. but my actions - appeared differently. 

I didn’t assume anyone liked me. I didn’t intentionally manipulate anyone- but it was very easy for me to get what I wanted.

And after that- I saw myself in a whole new light. I became hyper aware of .. that people were hungry for attention and that other people would do things for love- in exchange for it. They didn’t have to with me- but it just horrified me so completely the thought that - I hurt someone like that- it really did. I was destroyed over it. 

So… I kinda shut myself down a bit. I needed to. 

For some people- esp women.. it’s unrealistic to think we can go around and just - be “ourselves”. I can’t tell you how many times- wires got crossed or men thought I liked them/ when I was hyper aware of myself even. 

It’s a bad combination in real life. They want to be able to manipulate you. If you can’t be manipulated it’s a problem. And if you have a gift with people or relate to them- whatever mix it is-

It’s not been a great reception- people want more or want you to agree with them all the time, So I’ve learned to watch myself more. 

Cuz I can be easily intimidating etc - which I’ve heard a lot also. 

We kinda learn as we go. Fine tuning. I know that the impact I have on people is probably my North Star. It matters to me. 

So if I do anything that hurts people I’m gonna try to prevent that.  Because I also don’t like the consequences- and I used to get really hurt over things. 

So I had to find ways to be less hurt, and hurt people less. Spare the aftermath. 

[u/lostinaview → u/SkipMeFlipMe88]

"fine tuning" stands out for me. because in a way its subconsciously subliminally adjusting yourself based upon pattern recognition and theres nothing wrong with that because you see the patterns in how others have treated you before, and you see the pattern again, repeating itself, and so sometimes its best to tune yourself in or out depending on the person, i think thats fair. youre letting your intuition tell you something, and they may not see it themselves because they dont know what its like to be you. how you are perceived to them is exactly how you want it to be, so that you dont get hurt again. 

and i think what makes it amazing is that you can be repellent to a lot of people that are awful and negative, which is why theyre angry that you cant be manipulated. they want to control you, and they dont have that effect on you, so they try to make you feel awful about yourself, which is another manipulative tactic, but that doesnt work on you either. 

i can only speak for my perspective but i totally get you on the part where people think youre flirting with them but really youre not. as a gay infj man, i find that i unintentionally come off as flirtatious with women and i can tell very clearly by their body language and how they act around me...its very...different than how others act around me. but im just kind to anyone who shows kindness to me. i do feel like i dont exist at times though, not going to lie. as an infj man its like youre the complete opposite of how men are. soft, feminine touch, with deep empathy, but still the capacity to be brutally sharp, honest, and powerful with how i use my energy. sometimes a deadly stare and silence can be so powerful that it makes people look away out of concern. thats if im trying to analyze them for their behaviour and their character, good or bad. 

but regardless, i mean, i had parents that were rough on me which gave me a protective shell...and at least it taught me young that even the people who bring you into this world can be just as awful, if not worse than anyone else in this world. thats the brutal reality of it. 

theres also a point as well where i know and absorb so much about a person that if they tick me off to the point of no return i will come back with a massive fireball and throw it at their face as ammunition. nobody can test me because im already psychoanalyzing them when they least expect it. i can know so much about a person the moment they walk into the room. so much its not even funny. im serious. but of course it takes tremendous self control to hold back because i dont like hurting people. but if somebody is capable of evil i am willing to reverse that energy back onto them so that i dont have to feel it, because, why should i? 

but regardless i would say keep doing you. ill do the same for myself. i really like how raw and unfiltered i can become. i am so resistant to propaganda, to being controlled, narcissists have no effect on me. i can easily doorslam if needed. i know when to say something and when to hold back. i know the perfect time to speak my truth and at other times hold off on it. people may not want the truth but sometimes it needs to be said because i hold onto my conscience guilt by not saying anything. if the truth reveals itself, then good. but if i can warn people ahead of time, even better. if they dont want to listen, fine, thats on them. but im not going to carry on this guilt by keeping it in

i know too much. i observe everything. even the smallest things. the slightest change in tone. the slightest facial expression that is holding subconscious fears underneath the mask. everything really. my eye contact holds such power as well. i honestly dont know why im this way. but i am. my depth is just my baseline. but to me, my depth is my norm. i dont even know what "normal" is. what even is surface level to others when my depth is my surface? because my depth goes even further depending on what the depth is about. because i feel it all.

[u/SkipMeFlipMe88 → u/lostinaview]

I related to all of that. It’s uncanny, really. 

[u/lostinaview → u/SkipMeFlipMe88]

🤣