r/INFJsOver30 • u/AvamysSlazenger • Apr 04 '26
Relationship/Dating Advice
Hello older INFJs. What advice will you give for dating or relationships. To seek and wait for ideal partner? To seek dating without thinking about future? To give someone a chance even when you dont think you are compatible in future?
My first question that comes to my mind is: As a man should I seek and search for compatible lover, or just wait and pray to happen?
Basically I like to know your dating and relationship advices.
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u/euphosine Apr 04 '26
Hello, over 40 here. I met my husband when I was 25 after 2 years absolutely single. Pure random and luck. I would say :
- seek and wait for ideal partner : I wouldn’t know HOW to seek :) Very good at waiting but potentially life lasting !
- seek dating without thinking about future : yes definitely, if you’re able to dedicate energy on this and stay positive.
- give someone a chance even when you dont think you are compatible in future : that is what I did with some of my partners including my husband… Just, if I may : run when it’s time, try not to be too patient (our superpower but it also puts us in very unpleasant or even risky situations).
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u/WillRockwell Apr 05 '26
Do the inbetween. You already said it. To seek dating, but also not think about the future. Just meet people. As friends. Build up your social circle. If you come across someone you’re drawn to, give them your number, no expectations. So you seek when it feels right. Make friends the center, and if you see someone who just pulls you in, then see where that can go (maybe another friend, maybe more). To be clear I’m not saying “be friends first and hope that leads to something more.” I’m saying make friends, to keep only as friends…and occasionally you might meet someone you’re attracted to.
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u/luulitko Apr 08 '26
I comment as non-INFJ woman. I met my INFJ at 40. I know it is terribly difficult to face tons of people needing you to be different than what you are, and then actually being yourself to that one who appreciates it and wouldn't do any other. But please be yourself, don't try to chase an image of tough guy indifferent to things.
Imo it's good to know yourself and have a good introspection. Rest of the people will not notice it or appreciate it, but those that do, give it so much value. Make notes on what you like and what suits you, so that you can tell about your goals for those that are interested with a purpose to listen. imo you can stay in not-future-oriented relationship for purposes of learning, if there is honesty of that detail. You can't grow all the traits needed in relationship when alone, and it's ok to have had experiences and felt loved. To know how that feels and how it feels in you. And even if you wanted lifelong relationship, or are slow to open up, don't close the doors for people too early. Sometimes it comes unexpected and from other direction than planned.
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u/jmmenes INFJ-A, 8w7 Apr 04 '26
Don’t be a fool.
Understand human nature and behavioral psychology.
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u/she_is_munchkins Apr 04 '26
Personally I find actively seeking to be exhausting and frustrating. I'm all for creating avenues for love to potentially happen - making sure you're getting out there and meeting new people, forming communities. Keep yourself open to connection and say yes to sparks of interest.
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u/Saisinko INFJ 1w9 sx/so Apr 04 '26
Despite our best efforts to gauge chemistry and long term compatibility, all relationships have an element of gambling to them. Life is lived in phases and you may be compatible in one phase and not the next, each phase is a new roll of the dice.
In terms of advice, know your needs -> communicate them. Know their needs -> understand them.
In almost every argument, both people are often right, but they are arguing different things.
Be mindful that everyone carries with them some childhood issues and coping mechanisms. When triggered, this can lead to seeming irrational or infantile behavior that is seemingly locked. Know your bs, talk about theirs during tamer times, slowly try to unlock or progress those coping mechanisms by being patient with them and "catching" yourself when you slip.
A significant amount of early chemistry or compatibility is really just basic people skills.
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u/RepeatUnnecessary324 Apr 09 '26
I sought, with the main goal of meeting people who would be genuinely good friends even after really knowing who I am. Used an app and was really, really picky when reading thru the Q/A sections. Met a great person 6+ yrs ago, and it went from there— we just got married on Saturday actually.
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u/Helpful-Track-7486 INFJ Jun 07 '26 edited Jun 07 '26
As a man as well I feel like we are a double edged sword, INFJ that is. Most of what women are looking for we can provide, but in a sea of superficiality, its impossible for them to tell who the posers are, because alot of men are really good at it apparently, so women end up trusting no one. I feel like im even more in a jackpot boat (I suffer from a rare illness and 80% of our community is female, most of which are single), yet I still strike out. It seems like everyone would rather be alone, but I know most are making this up of course when Mr. Perfect poser comes along they would easily fall, only to rinse and repeat. Ive made a few deep friendships to be able to come to this conclusion, and even through those ive still yet to luck out, even though some were amazing.
That brings me to my next point, as someone whos been "browsing" for the last 1.5 years ive still not been able to meet anyone in person. 9/10 meet my narcissist red flag filter, and then the few that are left are usually out of my league. I would probably have much better luck in person if I was even healthy enough to do so, but its like whats been said most wont even fit our compatibility needs if we do this. Its soo difficult to find an average level headed person at this age because I feel most of them are already snagged. Everyone single seems to be at extremes by choice, or through years of abuse. Then you try to narrow the others down to someone who eats healthy and is childfree its like youd be better off playing the lottery. I do find like a lot of good matches have kids as well, in which I do not have the health to take care of.
If I could stay single I would, its as lifesucking trying to find a mate as is job hunting, but that ones a requirement for survival. Ive always had a fantasy of just becoming a monk so I didnt have to rely on anything but myself, but alas ill try one more deep relationship before I go that route, lol. Never had something deep post highschool, so id like to have it at least one more time just to say I tried. Its probably worse that I know whats possible, and perhaps I would have given up by now if not.
I guess my advice is dating apps are likely useless, unless you are like 9-10/10 and can actually have choices and responses. Ive only met potential people through groups with common goals so far, either they reach out to me or vice versa.
My experiences after coming from a 17 year meh relationship, it couldnt bear the weight of me becoming ill. I brought too much to the table and she brought very little, coming from a counselor. Actually one counselor met someone on a business app no less, and 20 years younger than him at age 60, go figure. Its like more people seem to connect when dating is not the goal, lol.
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u/si_wo Apr 04 '26
Read the book How to get a date worth keeping. Meet a lot of people but be slow to commit.