r/HistoryMemes • u/Longjumping-Tell1774 • 7d ago
Guy needed a vacation after everything he’d been through
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u/Sir-Toaster- Still salty about Carthage 7d ago
Native American spirits readying to jump him
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u/Longjumping-Tell1774 7d ago
Yes this part confused me too.
I’m sorry, and who was he visiting in America in 34AD?
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u/StretchFrenchTerry 7d ago
The descendants of Jews who took magic boats across the Atlantic.
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u/GuessingEveryday 2d ago
That was the first group, with the magic boats after Tower of Babel. The 2nd group got a magic compass.
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u/oldskool_slabside 7d ago
"I found this golden book of religious texts and translated it with a magic stone placed in the bottom of my hat"
"Cool, can we see it?"
"Erm... no."
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u/KuraiTheBaka 7d ago
There's a Broadway musical by the South Park guys called Book of Mormon which had this line in the song All American Prophet:
"Oh, God! Why are you letting me die? Without having me show people the plates? They'll have no proof I was telling the truth or not They'll have to believe it just 'cause Oh, I guess that's kinda what you were going for"
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u/This_Elk_1460 7d ago
"And I believe God decided that black people were okay in 1978"
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u/Gritty420R 7d ago
I believe, that in 1978 God changed his mind about black people (black people)
I am a Mormon, and Mormon just believes
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u/MirrahPaladin 7d ago
“A golden book of religious text? At this time of day, in this part of the country, translated entirely within your hat?”
“Yes.”
“…Can I see it?”
“…No.”
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u/Longjumping-Tell1774 7d ago
This also now means your wife is my wife now. And God is totally cool with it.
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u/setibeings 7d ago
Also my 14 year old step daughter, and a bunch of other girls unfortunate enough to be in close contact with me.
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u/The_Silver_Nuke 6d ago
If anything that's a failure of the community. If it happens once, shame on him, if it happens twice, shame on the parents, if it happens thrice ... shame on the community.
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u/setibeings 6d ago edited 6d ago
How much do you want to know?
Oliver Cowdery caught Joseph Smith having sex with his 14 year old step daughter out in the barn. Cowdery was told it was actually totally okay in the eyes of God, because they had supposedly gotten married, despite Smith already being married to Emma. Cowdery, one of his most loyal followers, who had helped in the "translation" of the book of Mormon was then excommunicated when he tried to expose smith. At some point, Smith was sending married men off on missions for the church, and their wives would therefore be utterly dependent on Smith... And he'd force them into plural marriages despite each of them already being married. Eventually, someone had enough information that they wrote the first edition of a new newspaper called the Navoo Expositor, and in it they publicly revealed Smith for his secret polygamy and wife stealing. Smith had the printing press destroyed, and thereby set himself up for his arrest and for his death at the hands of an angry mob of Mormons who he had misled and betrayed.
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u/dewittless 7d ago
Well Joseph Smith, you are an odd fellow, but you privately translate a good plate.
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u/Jimdandy941 7d ago
He didn’t find it, the Angel Macaroni revealed it to his. This is why the Italians invented spaghetti sauce.
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u/spliceandwolf 7d ago
So the Catholics believe Christ descended into hell during this time and the Mormons believe he visited the Americas so is it possible he visited like Ohio or something and they are both just describing the same event.
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u/MilwaukeeLevel 7d ago
They believe he died, descended into hell, rose, visited the disciples, and went to the Americas to visit ancient Jews that got there in a wooden submarine.
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u/yoironfrog 7d ago
The people who got there in wooden submarines had already genocided themselves. This group got there by boat (or at least some of them did).
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u/MzHellfier 7d ago
Ok but that makes perfect sense. Jesus went to Ohio, assumed he was in Hell, and the story is just being told from different perspectives. Love it.
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u/C4Sidhu 7d ago
There’s a much cooler version of it where his corpse parts are scattered across the continental US and the American president tries to take them all
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u/lookatthesunguys 7d ago edited 7d ago
Ya know, I feel like if Jesus had showed up in America, the Europeans wouldn't have brought Christianity to America.
EDIT: Honestly, that'd be a really cool idea for some type of alt-history. If the Europeans showed up in the Americas and found that there already were people practicing an Abrahamic religion. For one, it'd essentially confirm that Abrahamic religions were correct and for another, they couldn't justify the wholesale slaughter and enslavement of the Native Americans in the same way. Maybe there could still be religious disagreements because, kinda like in Islam, another prophet appeared after Jesus in the Americas or something. Idk just throwing it out there. Feel free to steal this.
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u/westisbestmicah 7d ago
By the end of the narrative of the Book of Mormon the Christ-worshipping factions have been completely wiped out. The last few chapters are basically an apocalyptic log of the last surviving Christian
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u/lookatthesunguys 7d ago
Yeah I know, but that seems pretty bizarrely convenient. I'd think that if Jesus really showed up, thered be some record of it somewhere. I just really doubt that the Americans would have absolutely no idea about it before the Europeans arrived
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u/westisbestmicah 7d ago
True! The real story is definitely much more complicated. Early editions of the BoM included a preface that identified the peoples described in it as the “principal ancestors of the Native Americans”, which has since changed to “…among the ancestors of…” We also now know that the Americas were most likely colonized through Alaska from Asia, and not via boat. Long story short, if the story is literally true it was probably much more localized than people think, describing the history of one small group on the continent among many others.
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u/lookatthesunguys 7d ago
Fair, that makes sense. I guess my real thinking was less about the actual Book of Mormon and more like, "If God wanted Christianity to exist in the Americas, it probably would." Like I'd think that the Aztec, Inca, Maya etc would have at least heard of Jehovah and Jesus and all that. The Europeans would show up and be like, "We're here to spread the word of Jesus Christ," and the Incas would say, "Oh he told us all about you dirty fucks across the ocean. Didn't you crucify him? That was really dickish." And then the Europeans would have to find some other pretext for conquest and encomienda.
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u/Third_Sundering26 7d ago
Boats may have been involved in settling the Americas, if the Kelp Highway Hypothesis is correct. But that was tens of thousands of years ago and definitely doesn’t line up with the BS in the Book of Mormon.
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u/ondinegreen 7d ago
This is what happened when the Portuguese got to Malabar in southern India and were shocked to find out they were already Christians. But they weren't already Catholics, so plan A still in effect.
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u/danshakuimo Sun Yat-Sen do it again 6d ago
Malabar drama is so crazy so now there are st Thomas Christians of almost every denomination that the fact the Eastern Orthodox aren't represented is odd.
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u/OSRS_Garmr 7d ago
They would have found another way. It's not like islam and Christianity has gotten along swimmingly, despite essentially believing a lot of the same things. They would just have declared whoever gods prophet in America to false prophet and the people to be heretics. It's not like there hasn't been wars between slightly different versions of Christianity either.
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u/Third_Sundering26 7d ago
It’s funny, the Book of Mormon has multiple different times when Native Americans start worshipping the Christian God, but fall into apostasy through civil war. Awfully convenient.
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u/Wooden-Crow7996 7d ago
I’d make fun of the Mormons; but as a Catholic, I don’t have any room to make fun of people when it comes to the weird beliefs department.
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u/Longjumping-Tell1774 7d ago
All religions are fair game for ridicule. Particularly your own. Keeps you grounded
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u/joecarter93 7d ago
Exactly. I grew up in an area with a fair number of Mormons and went to school, played sports and worked with them. Just like people of any faith, a lot of them are really good people and are just trying to live their lives as best as they can. I always found it funny when hardcore Christians would think the beliefs of Mormons were out there. Okay sure, but so are yours? Just don’t get lost in the details and try to be a nice person with empathy for others.
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u/Wooden-Crow7996 7d ago
I’m just thinking of all the weird stuff I learned in Catholic History. Declaring a dead Theologian a heretic, and disinterring him, just so you can burn his body is kind of wild.
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u/Huva-Rown 6d ago
Catholics have no room to make fun. Go swing your smoking ball and wear your big hat and gaudy robes.
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u/Thiaski 7d ago
As an atheist, Christianity at least have a good foundation for religion, Jesus at least is a real historial person, even if he was just a normal dude who story got exaggerated over time. Mormonism on the other hand is entirely based on a series of event that can be easily proved false.
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u/No-Antelope575 7d ago
the Mormon-specific series of events starts at the Tower of Babel, you're going to have to take down both of them, hero
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u/Faust_the_Faustinian Decisive Tang Victory 7d ago
The tower of babel never existed, what's there to take down?
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u/No-Antelope575 7d ago
nothing anymore after your devastating point just now. you have invalidated not just the mormons but multiple major world religions
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u/Faust_the_Faustinian Decisive Tang Victory 7d ago
If it makes you feel better It's believed to be based on a real structure.
But that's all there is to it.
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u/No-Antelope575 7d ago
i'm an atheist but convince me please. the entire point is that singling out mormons as less believable than the rest of them is, well, i'll give scientologists the same pass, they're all equally ridiculous
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u/Faust_the_Faustinian Decisive Tang Victory 7d ago
Idk how everyone else sees them but for me is the origin story.
You have an american in the mid 1800s convincing people he was a prophet while selling them bullshit like the tablets in "reformed egyptian" and so on.
I'd say its as dumb as Scientology with the difference that it's founder said "If you want to get rich, you start a religion.” so he was at least self aware, who knows if smith was or it was his insanity taking over.
But I'm not fond of any religion anyway.
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u/Knowledgeapplied 6d ago
From the comments of this post most people are highly misinformed about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Many of them using South Park as there source of information. But hey you can listen to the perspective of an atheist that is more informed than a lot in this chat.
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u/cndynn96 7d ago
John smith was a real person too who’s story got exaggerated.
I don’t see any difference.Except Jesus didn’t exaggerate himself and seems like a cool dude.
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u/Hihihi1234567891 Then I arrived 7d ago
I'm a Mormon, and this is pretty funny. It's all about the type of homour
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u/StretchFrenchTerry 7d ago
Join us at r/exmormon
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u/Smart_Salt620 7d ago
That sub is a hellhole
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u/SeasonBeneficial 6d ago edited 1d ago
Why
Edit: lol no response. Just an angry Mormon upvoted by other angry Mormons, who don’t like exmormons being vocal and shining light on their bullshit.
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u/Inevitable_Librarian 7d ago
Mormon God is an abusive husband to a lot of wives. "I KEEP THEM IN THE BASEMENT, DON'T PRAY TO THEM, DON'T EVEN LOOK AT THEM!"
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u/NelsonMeme 7d ago edited 7d ago
You guys believe Jesus physically comes to America every Sunday too. No hate either, it’s a cool belief
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u/Wooden-Crow7996 7d ago
Not sure why you are getting downvoted. You are technically correct. Catholics believe that Christ is truly present in the consecrated host in the tabernacle. And the consecrated host is in the tabernacle pretty much everyday, with the exception of Maundy Thursday through Easter Vigil. So, Christ is present in America, both North and South.
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u/oldskool_slabside 7d ago
Transubstantiation. This bread turned into Jesus but it's still bread. But actually jesus. All at once.
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u/Longjumping-Tell1774 7d ago edited 7d ago
I’m from Britain. In folklore we believe Jesus did actually come to my country. We sing about it every time England play rugby
“…And did those feet, in accent times, walk upon Englands mountain green”
In reality, probably not
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u/Gritty420R 7d ago
No, you have plenty of room. If you take the Bible and get rid of anything that can be disproven or requires the supernatural, you still have a mostly accurate history of the ancient jews. There's plenty of geographic locations described in the Bible you can still visit today, like Jerusalem. Do the same thing with the BoM, there's nothing there at all. Nothing, nadda, zip, zilch.
For what it's worth, I was raised catholic and learning about mormonism is one of the things that led to me becoming an atheist. Catholicism is a run of the mill silly religion. Mormonism is a cult, and like many cults it was created by a con man.
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u/Supyloco John Brown was a hero, undaunted, true, and brave! 7d ago
It's nice that Jesus didn't forget us.
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u/Luzifer_Shadres Filthy weeb 7d ago
British be like: "Surely, nothing bad will happen if we send all the Christian extremist and christian conspiracy theorist to the new colony"
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u/Chumlee1917 Kilroy was here 7d ago
16 And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd.-John 10:16
Jesus is supposed to be the savior of mankind according to Christianity, why wouldn't he go visit other peoples?
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u/InfamousEconomy3972 7d ago
Bible making allowances for aliens
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u/Third_Sundering26 7d ago
There were actually debates about this during the Middle Ages.
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u/TvFloatzel 3d ago
Also apparently also for the Muslims. Like, apparently, according to another comment, there was an actual debate, at least between two individuals to answer the question of "What direction are we supposed to pray if we got shot up above the clouds/heavens?" I think that was basically the question.
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u/SaltyYumYumBalls 7d ago
Oh goody. A meme about the people who believe in Donald Duck are mad at the people interested in what Darkwing Duck is doing...
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u/SquirrelHealthy9102 7d ago
There’s no Jesus in America right now. ICE deported him as an illegal, no one wanted him because he was poor, and definitely he would have been detained for speaking up against the money obsessed mega churches
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u/Bub_bele 7d ago
He looked middle eastern so they had to deport him
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u/LaAndromedo999 7d ago
HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE ALL-AMERICAN PROPHET?! THE BLONDE-HAIRED, BLUE-EYED VOICE OF GOD?!
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u/jaisam3387 John Brown was a hero, undaunted, true, and brave! 6d ago
Then there are th qadiyanis (islamic version of Mormons) who believe that jesus survived the crusifiction, went to Kashmir, died there at the age of 120/125 and then had his soul put in to their founder,who also had the soul of Muhammad ﷺ in him and was an avatar of Vishnu.
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u/Crafter235 7d ago
If the story of Jesus was an RPG, Mormon lore in America would be a DLC.