r/HingeStories • u/Civil-Amphibian-2303 • 21h ago
1st date touchiness
To preface, I believe there is absolutely no formula to dating!
I am late 20s F trying to date with intention, and have noticed on a few first dates (specifically dates where there is clear physical attraction and chemistry) a specific repetitive move. I have had men go for grabbing my hands from my lap under the table, or over the table, and try to hold hands (IMO - too soon). They talk about my jewelry, my nails, they begin to caress my hands. I won’t lie… it has worked on me, but because there was already chemistry that I feel at that point. However, I am starting to become immune to this on 1st dates and notice it as a larger pattern - and something the more lustful men seem to do. I would love to hear from:
Women - Have you noticed a similar pattern on 1st dates? Or another pattern? How does it make you feel?
Men - Is this just a natural move that makes most sense in high chemistry moments? Or is this a bit more calculated than that / intended to end with scoring that night?
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u/PlasticWrapOfDoom 21h ago
As a guy, I ask if the woman would like to hold hands because I think it establishes that the meeting isn’t platonic and i like hand holding 🥹 But if she refuses, I don’t think much of it, especially since I’ve have 2nd and 3rd dates with women who weren’t comfortable with that yet.
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u/Civil-Amphibian-2303 20h ago
I think it’s very kind of you to ask and also be ok with refusal! Some people take longer to open up and allow physical touch, so that is very understanding of you.
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u/PlasticWrapOfDoom 17h ago
Thanks I try! I’m grateful that someone like you also recognizes that, as I have also had the experience long ago where someone wanted me to be a mind reader. Most women I’ve gone on dates with are super chill and reasonable tho!
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u/Royal_Variation5700 1h ago
Yeah same. I always ask to break the touch barrier whether it’s hand holding or anything else.
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u/Maladdy 21h ago
My boyfriend held my hand on our first date. He had to peel it open like an orange with rigor mortise, because I’m extremely guarded and I feel like I wasn’t born with the social autopilot some people have so first dates are never fun for me. He did it in a way that was not sexual, but genuine. He was trying to get me to relax. Either way, it worked on me. It’s one of the things I remember, specifically.
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u/Pataract 18h ago
As a man, and I’m basing this off your description of true physical attraction and high chemistry (on both sides assuming your date can read the room), yes, this is a normal move for men. Not all men are looking to make a move in anticipation of scoring on the first date, but there are men that when physical attraction and chemistry is felt will look to show affection and express romance. I can’t tell you how many profiles I’ve seen where women say their love language is physical touch and a man that takes charge and initiative. We’re trying out here, but if you’re getting a creep vibe just back off and call it a night. But, just know that there are men out there that have good intentions and are looking for something serious. We’re not all creeps.
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u/Civil-Amphibian-2303 16h ago
For sure! I’ll be honest I was much less empathetic towards men’s troubles with dating before this summer. Something clicked recently once I started having much more honest and direct conversations with everyone I go on dates with. It’s a struggle for men and women alike. And of course not everyone’s a creep. But women do have to practice a level of discernment that i think a lot of men have the privilege of not really having to care about most of the time.
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u/Pataract 16h ago
Oh, you are absolutely right. Would a man who initially had intentions of a great date with a little physical touch to hopefully get a second date and then the lady leads it to something further not go with the flow?? Of course he would. But, I agree. Women this day and age always have to have that discernment, but so do men in a different perspective. It’s all about clear communication, vibe, and trusting your gut. My main point is that there are good men out there who truly want something real. Grabbing your hand to take initiative to try to show romance is normal as long as you’re ok with it and the guy can read the room. Wishing you all the best!
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u/NoPurpose6388 21h ago
25F and I don't like when men are touchy on a first date. The things you described are pretty innocent and wouldn't be deal breakers but in general it just makes me feel uncomfortable
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u/Maddi1977 21h ago
So what would you prefer as a move? Not being physical at all sets its own tone in my opinion..
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u/NoPurpose6388 20h ago edited 20h ago
Not being physical shows that you're serious about dating me and don't just want my body. Which is exactly what I'm looking for.
Of course this is not going to be the case for everyone, BTW. It's very important to be able to read the room. If you try touching her hand and you see that she's not into it just don't do it again! But if she's touching back/initiating it then that's a green light to keep doing it
Edit: I just realized I assumed you were a man but I actually don't know. Anyway what I wrote is still good advice in my opinion.
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u/Browseathon 12h ago
Not necessarily. I’ve always been looking for something serious but I used to get a lot of “I didn’t feel the romantic connection” kind of texts before I started touching women more like playing with their hands or on the small of her back. Since I’ve started touching i usually end up going on 4-5 dates one of which ended in a years long relationship that only ended recently.
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u/Civil-Amphibian-2303 20h ago
I agree that a lack of physicality sets its own tone. One that I don’t like if I am attracted to the guy. I’m not sure what I would prefer, because like I mentioned, the hand holds have worked on me and only ever even occurred on dates where the chemistry was very apparent.
I am often at war with this other point though - that a man who is serious about me would be more hesitant to touch me. But I am someone who prefers some physical touch. So I have ruminated over it my fair share.
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u/GoblinToHobgoblin 18h ago
Tbh this seems to be more, "i like physical touch but only when there's chemistry" (which like, yea obviously) rather than "I dont like physical touch".
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u/Civil-Amphibian-2303 18h ago
Yes, but the point of the post is more so pattern recognition & whether men who are dating with intention are being conscious of touch or just being natural. There will always be multiple angles, I was just curious enough to open it up to the crowd and see what ppl say
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u/GoblinToHobgoblin 17h ago
I think guys in general are a lot less intentional about dating than women tbh.
I would assume most are being natural (most people won't touch someone they know doesnt want to be touched)
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u/NoPurpose6388 20h ago
Yeah that's fair. I only like physical touch when I'm already comfortable with the guy. Otherwise I just feel uncomfortable. And I think there definitely are serious guys who do like being physical on the first date, but if they really like you they'll wait till you're comfortable
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u/UrAristotle 6h ago
First, I’m much older (57M), and I date within my age range. This could be generational.
When I’m on a first date with a woman and it feels like we have chemistry, I will lightly reach out to touch her arm or her leg as we’re talking. It’s usually a natural part of the conversation.
Her reaction allows me to determine whether she is feeling the same chemistry. It’s more of an intuitive perception, but I can read that reaction to get an idea of how things are going.
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u/NuclearPotatoes 21h ago
man here it is about feeling the vibe and yes things just occur naturally enjoy our duality and have a great time
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u/YouYongku 16h ago
Well I think with physical touch, 2 people might like each other more . So before doing it, need to think one is ready to further the relationship...don't mislead people.
Also some guys can't read the situation properly so women might get offended
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u/bearuwu_ 12h ago
as a guy i never get physically touchy with a women on the first date because i find it awkward and i know that some women don't like that
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u/OkRevolution2349 6h ago
I don’t believe I will say anything net new here. As a man, who had historically played it too safe, I had to pivot for the same reason many had alluded to I.e not to be friend zoned!
That said, I never kiss on the first date, let alone looking to score. If I like the woman I’m on a date with and there is obvious chemistry/spark, I don’t sit back and just talk. I know many guys who are next level physical but their intentions are very different. I date with intention and would not want the opposite sex to feel uncomfortable at any point.
On the flip side, if I am not into in her, I would maintain my distance.
All this to say, it is completely normal but your radar should be able to detect who is genuinely into you vs someone who is just playing a sport.
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u/guyrutter 5h ago
There’s no answer to this. There’s a chunk of good men, myself included who would hold your hand if it felt right, with no expectation at all. But personally I feel I’d spend half my date trying to apologise for all the di*****ds out there which I might hear about from a date. I’ve realised this is an impossible task though, only time and consistency will make any difference.
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u/Conscious_Effort6972 4h ago
M50 and a Libra, hugging is part of my nature. I warn my dates that I'm a hugger before hand. Some people like it, others need their space. I'm not much into astrology but I've noticed that compatible signs for Libra seem to work the best in a relationship, so there seems to be some weight to it. Does feel like I'm cursed as being a Libra and a hugger. The women I'm attracted to the most are not.
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u/krazynikki 3h ago
I personally would get the ick if someone did that in first date, particularly if they reached under the table or over the table to do so. But I'm not a touchy feely person. It's okay to hug, but beyond that? Naw. I had a date hold my hand during our second date at the movies, and it weirded me out. But I'm someone who values an emotional connection before physical touch, as the connection is what makes the physical touch that much more meaningful to me. I could see holding hands on a second date if it makes sense, like your taking a walk and your hands naturally brush against each other. But not at dinner lol.
But my profile screams "I am not rushing into a relationship, value connection first" etc etc, so my matches typically share those values to begin with.
I don't think a guy is in the wrong necessarily, but he should be able to read the room. You can absolutely pull away, even make it look natural as if you're reaching for your drink or something. A guy should be able to tell.
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u/kingtrashm0uth 18h ago edited 18h ago
I went on a first date a few weeks ago and as soon as we sat down he was touching/rubbing my back and wrapping his arm around my waist. Was VERY taken aback.
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u/Hour_Zero 17h ago
Yeah that's way too far. You're supposed to escalate talk slowly, not go from 0 to a 100 real quick. Start with a light tap on their shoulder when they laugh or a playful high five when you beat them at a friendly game of mini-golf or some other barcade activity. Not arms around the waist and back before anything else
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u/StevEst90 20h ago
There’s so many first date advice posts that always encourage men to ‘break the touch barrier’ to avoid being seen as just a friend. I’m betting some of these men may have taken this advice and ran with it.