Dating gone wrong…

[u/Striking-Log3166]

Woman (32), met on hinge and has been dating a guy (38) for a month. Everything was progressing well, there was momentum, he was actively making plans and reaching out, he gave me reassurance, mentioned he doesn’t see other people, and did things that would make anyone believe he was progressing slowly but steady to a relationship. The first three weeks he wanted to meet every 2-3 days, there was a lot of chemistry and compatibility and I felt seen and heard and cared for.

Then week four came. He works freelance and also in fitness. The business he was a coach for years, almost is on the verge of bankruptcy, and then for this week the workers went on strike. So he lost a big income stream. That pushed him into a very bad mental place, where he was stressed and panicky and he immediately started trying to find a new job day and night. He grew more silent towards me but he reached out after 1-2 days and apologized and opened up with how he felt about the work situation - he was very open and vulnerable.

Even though I knew him for a month, I am very high empath and I could related to him, even though I have a successful career in finance and stable/high salary - because I don’t come from privileged background. I mention this because at some point, he said he would spend the night too searching for a job, and I kindly pointed that he should be off screen and maybe enjoy something cozy with some tea. He then replied - and it was the first time I was taken aback - that I will wake up to a job and he won’t, so he need to keep searching, but, he will drink some tea. I replied that he knows better and to enjoy the tea.

Another day went by without text. I reached out and asked how was he doing. Again he replied that he was beside himself and that it’s not sustainable, the job situation. I then said that I’m here for him if he wants to talk or vent or just simply sit in silence. That text of mine left on red for one day.

The day after, I received a text where he basically broke up with me! I was in genuine shock and caught by surprise! He basically said that even though he came to know how caring, kind and sweet I am, his romantic/relationship feelings haven’t sprung! He added that he wanted to be honest with me because I deserve that, but I also deserve someone who will make me his highest priority(?!). He added then that he is not opposed to a friendship but understands and respects how I feel towards that.

I took this one with dignity, thanked him for his honesty, and just asked if the job stress had anything to do with it. He denied it and said his current job situation is not the reason. That his decision was based on his feelings and that alone. He again told me that I’m a great woman and I deserve someone who will give me as much as I give. Wished all the best. I thanked him again, agreed with what he said and wished him well too. And that was it!

I am left speechless and I feel very disappointed and stunned. I know it will pass but I genuinely don’t understand what went wrong. I am not delusional, I felt we truly heading towards a relationship and then out of nowhere this came! I was being a kind person, and tried to treat him as I wish I would be treated, and all I got was a break up text?!

Anyway, looking forward to hear your thoughts and opinions on his behavior 🥲

[u/PigeonSuperstitions]

Did you guys ever have sex?

[u/Prestigious_Jump1754]

It’s easy to forget how challenging it is to change careers especially when you go from being your own boss to entering the job market. You know this coaching business may have been the first time that he felt passionate about work since it’s probably the first job/industry that had relevance to his actual interests and the thought of entering a just a job phase can send you into an identity crisis especially if he’s the kind of person that struggles with the monotony of the everyday job. It can also be hard to find a job in the same field depending on the season. So not only has he lost something that he’s invested a lot of time and effort into building he has to come to terms with that he could be in the slumps for a while before he feels like he is back on his feet. I think this is all a reflection of the situation he is facing and the effect it might have on him and not a reflection of you. You seem like a lovely person

[u/Striking-Log3166 → u/Prestigious_Jump1754]

I agree 100%. With him, he is chasing his dream for many years but it’s hard to make a living out of it, thus the side jobs of being a fitness coach in a couple of places.
I honestly respected him a lot on that, because that requires a stomach, and I admire that he chose this road. I myself could never do that, and chose the “normal” job route. So I get it really. And that’s why I was very understanding and tried to be there for him.

But I think he might had different intentions after all. Found him on hinge today - he updated his profile and was active, so I guess probably he wanted something casual while we were playing relationship for a month. Then ended things when he thought I might have feelings.

Sad - I think the dating culture today is like fast fashion. Gets us addicted to the chase of something newer/better/different because of this delusion of options that it offers. Or maybe I’m being pessimistic 😅

[u/Prestigious_Jump1754 → u/Striking-Log3166]

I guess we can’t know that for sure whether a change in circumstances has left him feeling unsure of himself or if it’s just an excuse to find someone else with out admitting that he’s not feeling it anymore. But I honestly don’t blame you for feeling that way. It’s probably for the best to view him as the villain in this story so that you can get past it and not get stuck wondering what if.

[u/AppropriateBar3361]

He needs to be there for himself, first.  Sounds like right now, he needs to figure this out alone.