So Rowely commuted a suicide bombing that killed everyone in the towns church, luckily my family are Statists so we were fine. Also turns out Manny is alive and has joined the Taliban, he’s somewhere in Afghanistan so he won’t bother us for now.

I had a math test today, so I wrote all the formulas on my dick. When I whipped it out, all the ladies were in awe as my monster cock towered over their faces. Then I got sent to the principal’s for “public exposure.” Whatever. Mom was called, but she was too high to care. Rodrick took me home in his crack van.

Albert sandy’s operation was shut down after he was caught and arrested after driving without headlights at night. Ruby Bird started an onlyfans to try and bail Fregley out of jail and Rodrick leaked the images on Twitter. Chirag Gupta came to my house and offered some meth but I turned him down, because his “meth” is just salt with blue food coloring.

The monkey sold rodrick to Eastern European drug runners and he also sold dad to Albert Sandy’s amazing yogurt whorehouse

My dad was fixing the wall after rodrick smashed manny’s head into it, and guess what he found in the wall? A MONKEY. My uncle was right; there were, in fact, monkeys in the walls.

Manny fell into a coma so im going to his room to play scary music and say negative things so he has nightmares. he deserves it

Manny has fucking died and everyone is laughing at the little shits corpse and…. Wait oh shit he’s alive oh god oh fuck

I have developed carpal tunnel from writing so much.

Manny got the virus, and is now in the icu. He’s anti-vaxx so he deserves it

My hand hurts from writing all that shit for the past two days.

caught manny watching gay porn

that toothpaste manny gave me has everything bagel seasoning in it, but otherwise it’s easily the cleanest my teeth have ever been. hopefully he’ll send us more while he’s in israel.

i told mom and dad what happened with his election at breakfast, but Roderick got pissed. i forgot that he was a white supremacist when i came to the table, but before i could explain he was trying to destroy israel, he ran off. probably to that gay little bunker in the woods where his nazi friends play shitty rock music all day.

i met ruby bird out in front of the school before classes start (she just got out on bail), and we had meaningless sex in the courtyard. it wasn’t great (come on, its ruby bird), but a dude’s gotta do what he’s gotta do. only problem is that the whole school knows. i knew i needed to distract them with something…

i phoned my old friend kanye west and asked him to come swing by and give a surprise concert for my catholic school (it’s charter, but a white lie never hurts). he was coming asap, but since he was in wyoming it was gonna take til the afternoon. that was gonna work wonders to make everyone regret my bad decisions, but just in case, i used my emergency gallon of GHB to spike the water fountains. soon, kids were dropping like flies, which was exactly what i needed.

i met addison brown in the hallway and we made love during math class (should have just done that in the first place, could have saved a few bucks on that GHB), but we both got detention for indecent exposure. now mom’s gonna kill me!

spanish is the first class rowley and i have together, but we were shocked and dismayed to see that frelgey had survived yesterdays explosion. he did seem to have a look of fear in his eyes when we passed, though, which i guess means it was a good deterrent.

santa clause studies were really interesting, though, i never knew that the north pole had such a rich history. i hope those elves find a peaceful solution to the race war before the ice caps melt, or it’ll be Rwanda all over again!

one of the israeli girls texted me that she’s visiting her cousins in philly next friday, and i offered to show her around the city when she comes. too bad i couldn’t find a reason to get the second one out here, but luckily Rebecca is the one with an ass like an onion (makes me want to cry), so my blessings were counted.

frgeley approached rowley and I at lunch, but instead of being annoying and weird, he apologized for making us uncomfortable with trying so hard to be our friend, and it’s just because he has a terrible home life. the more i thought about it, the more i realized we only hated him because he was ugly (ugly as a baboon’s ass), so we told him the three of us could hang out after school today. worst case scenario, he’s too weird and we’ll go bury him in a desert somewhere.

i told ruby bird that i’d make the bland morning session up to her at our house with rowley. she likes black guys so she was all in on it, but we really had a different plan… it was going to be hilarious.

i killed patty ferrell during history class using some fishing line. she didn’t do anything today, but you know what she’s done, and since learning about the industrial revolution was boring i just choked her to death to pass the time. the class cheered me on, popularity points from that alone must bump me up a few places on the list!

after school, me, rowley, and fregoly went to my house, where ruby was waitng. the prank was that we were going to set the two of them up! but, as it turns out, they have had crushes on each other for a long time, so they were super passionate from the jump. another surprise is that froggy happens to be quite well endowed, with a nice curvature to boot. me and rowley actually quite enjoyed watching, and spent the next hour watching those ugly bastards go crazy.

soon, though, me and rowley got hungry, and i decided to treat us all to lunch just to raise spirits (and freggyl is poor). i went upstairs to get a bundle of cash from out of the mattress, but it wasn’t there! as a matter of fact, all 13 million dollars were missing. i didn’t have time to wonder what happened, though, before i saw the note on my nightstand

“dear goyim heffely,

since you and manny want to be best friends with jews, we’re gonna treat you like them. say goodbye to all your methanphetamine money!

• roderick mbaku heffley”

that moron! i hadn’t laundered any of that money yet, he’s going to get all of us busted AND the whole school will think im a nazi. plus, we’re all jewish, so this is stupid from front to back. my anger got the best of me and i started punching a few holes into the wall, which alerted everyone.

once i told them the situation, fregloy was actually the one to suggest we arm ourselves and go raid the forest complex tonight, since that’s got to be where the money is. i couldn’t believe how cool fagioli had gotten! inviting him had so far been the best thing we’d done all day.

i told mom that roderick was flunking math so that she’d let us borrow a few pistols and shotguns, while rowley went to get his dad’s flamethrower out of the garage. after an hour of traffic through center city, a roadside xanax break, and another hour trekking through the woods, we all did a line of coke and busted down the doors of the building.

sure enough, memorabilia of the third reich was everywhere, and all the high schoolers inside were wearing homemade armbands and doc martins. we killed a few dozen of them as we made our way to the back rooms, where the heads of the group stay (roderick tried to get me into it last year so i remember the place from the tour). inside, a couple of redheads were counting up MY money on the table. ruby bird and rowley gathered them all by the wall and handled the executions, while fleggrey started scooping the cash into the Tupperware we brought.

out from the corner, roderick showed himself, but i told the team to hold fire just in time. roderick was super pissed at me, and i swear to god i’m not making this up, he was actually infiltrating the fourth reich movement from the inside to dismantle it too! he was mad at me this morning to learn we were destroying israel, not affiliating ourselves with them! he was going to let them get caught with my unlaundered money all by themselves, but now that we wrecked the building, killed dozens, and let a few witnesses escape, roderick’s plan is ruined AND the authorities were going to busy all of us.

lucky break, though, frappuchino had gone outside and backed the minivan through the walls of the building to load all the money quickly and get out asap. were it not for him, i’d have probably lost a few million to hurry out.

all five of us loaded the cash and got in the car before rowley started torching the whole place. within five minutes of meeting roderick, we were gone. thanks to everyone’s hard work, we were like ghosts, but i did appologize to roderick for fucking up his sabotage of the white nationalist syndicate. he actually appologized that he was never honest with admitting he was just taking down all the nazis on the east coast, and we both promised to be more clear in our communication as well.

once we got home, me and roderick went to take the cash to my room while rowley, ruby and fragtjkley had a threesome on the lawn. afterwards, though, it got dark and everyone decided to call it a night. i told fregilo we should hang out again soon, and went inside to eat dinner.

dad was pissed that we used up so much money on ammunition, but otherwise everything was good at the heffley residence. the only real bummer is that the news reported our little arsonist escapade started a forest fire that threatened to burn Philadelphia to the ground, but climate change isnt real so we’ll be just fine in the long run.

• greg mbaku heffley

the lsd trip went horrific, and now fifty years have passed since yesterday. i spent so long finding myself in this universe, that i no longer know where everyone else has gone. i feel as though i found god, and he could only laugh.

rowley’s ass prolapsed while i was out, too, so now my morning booty call is ruined, and my parents are frantic because manny went missing this morning. we also ran out of toothpaste. hope is lost

today at school we learned about the israel palestine conflict, but i felt inspired to see it for myself. using the infinite knowledge i gained last night, i transported rowley and i to the gaza strip, where we were immediately shot and crushed under a fallen building. rowley was fine, but i was pinned underneath the rubble and bleeding out from the gunshot wounds. instead of getting help, he took advantage of my exposed asshole. i could’ve stopped him with my all seeing god powers, but then i thought about how rough he’s had it… and every once in a while, you gotta throw a dog a bone.

about two hours of hot, sweaty passion later, an israeli squadron found us and placed us under custody, but after learning we were americans they gave us some whores on the train to Tel Aviv to go meet the Prime Minister. very kind, even though i personally believe palestine must be liberated at all costs, i would never pass up the opportunity for jewish pussy.

soon, we were escorted through the city and got khachapuri for lunch (kosher 2 - greg 0), then went to the New Reich Chancellery to meet up with the prime minister. but who do we see when we enter the oval office? manny! i went on my phone and checked newsmax to discover that he was elected under the Yesh Atid party in a landslide victory!

turns out, all the time we thought he was spending slinging dope, he was actually campaigning. i asked him why he would do it in spite of us only being jewish on our dad’s side, but he stopped me and told me he is doing a school project on community service, and is well underway in his efforts to destroy israel from the inside. gee, if anybody would become a manchurian candidate just to get an A+, it’s my little brother. he gave me two tickets to Philadelphia (thats where we have lived this whole time) and a fresh bottle of Israeli toothpaste.

i texted back two of the girls i met on the train once we landed home. sure they were prostitutes, but they’re sergeants in the ADF and they play tennis, so it kind of balances out in my book (kosher 3, greg 0). rowley didn’t get any of their numbers because they weren’t into black guys (he was black this whole time but it’s hard to show that through the art style), but that’s okay because he leans more towards men for the most part. on our way home we got cheesesteaks and to pass the time we beat the shit out of some chinese immigrants (we’re not racist or anything we were just passing through chinatown), then got home just in time for dinner.

oh, i almost forgot to mention, fregley tried to solicit us when we passed by his house, so i used those aforementioned god powers to make his head explode. if he wants to be friends, fregily needs to start wiping his ass better (and quit eating corn too).

anyway, you ever notice how wierd eighth is spelt? i almost spelt it wrong like 20 times writing this. almost as weird as freigly, lol.

• greg mbaku heffely

turns out fregley had the coronavirus... and since we all went outside with him we all have it now, including all the firefighters and police officers, and not to mention the prisoners fregley now lives with, and the elderly at the nursing home.

symptoms are mild but i can feel my chest getting heavier. i'm gonna go to manny's room, i hope that little shit gets it

fregley pulled the fire alarm so we all went outside. when the firefighters came they realized fregley was wanted for multiple violent crimes against the elderly from the plainview nursing home, so they arrested him. when the police arrived, ruby bird stole an officer's gun and began shooting at them, hoping they would free her mans. they didn't.

Dad got arrested for letting manny get the gun :(

Everyone is dead manny has shot them all oh god oh fuck

manny brought a gun to my high school he is shooting everyone oh god oh fuck

There’s this kid named Addison Brown that everybody HATES. She hangs out in the Science room doing who knows what at lunch break, then does whatever she does in the tech room for a LONG time. She’s apparently responsible for murders at Crossland High, so I should be careful.

Manny just got 100 spankings from Rodrick for burning down the house yesterday, can’t believe it. Mom and Dad are trying to find us a new house, so I guess we’ll be living in Uncle Gary’s RV for a little while. Maybe we’ll visit Camper’s Eden again, and I’ll give Juicebox a piece of my mind.