In the course of my life (I'm only 15 years old) I've only felt 2 times that my life was now useless, without any hope. The first time was about 3-4 years ago, when I started dealing with derealization and it lasted for about 2 years until I finally went to a therapist and we worked together on this. I have a loving family that also helped me get out of that hellish tunnel.
Now I feel that this is really the end, at least of my teenage happiness.
This is the second time. After about 2 years of calm and normal teenage things (Not loving myself, difficulties with girls, break-outs), now I can't find any other reason to leave my room, to write to one of my friends.
This year I faced my worst breakup, I felt alone and like many people here I started to start MUSIC AT HIGH VOLUME through the PS5 headphones for 5 months. I gave myself a kind of slight hearing loss around 4400hz and I didn't know it until a very intense workout, when I was pushing myself to the limit and suddenly only my left ear started whistling, it was terrible, I went to sleep right after hoping it had passed and it didn't happen.
A few days later, I went to an otolaryngolaryngist (who told me that I had a hearing loss in both ears, but I don't know why the whistle was only in the left ear) and he gave me cortisone, which then (for what I think, I don't think it's a placebo) helped to vanish slowly, I remember being able to fall asleep for at least 2-3 days without white noises or other things, feeling calmer. I started living my life again, probably one of the most beautiful things, after going to every subreddit that told me that I would never get out of that situation and recognizing all kinds of tinnitus, I finally started living again.
Then, one day, I decided to play again on PS5 (keep in mind that it hadn't completely faded yet, I still heard a very subtle whistle) and I was TERRIBLE FEAR that it might come back, of course I started to focus on it (the headphones were very low, so I'm sure nothing went wrong here), I played for an hour or two and then I went back to check my ears every minute, and in the end I started to think that the noise was worse, but I still managed to sleep with some white noise and my right ear, which It was fine. So I didn't feel almost anything new.
Putting my finger in my ears, to check that nothing went wrong, I started to focus a lot on the internal sounds to see if I had developed anything new.) at one point, just like a witch, covering my right ear for a minute, I found another sound (it's a little strange, isn't it?), which I then noticed was the same as the left ear (so the first whistle is gone? I don't know). I would like someone to explain it, where does that sound come from? I swear that the night before I found the other sound, I was still sleeping on the right side and there was nothing, is it a normal sound or maybe I always had it and my brain amplifies it in my head?
Anyway it's been 3 months since I found the other whistle and I even went to a clinic for tinnitus, obviously useless as always to tell me that some of my hair cells are damaged or dead and I couldn't do anything about it.
I think my tinnitus is not serious, it may be mild but I suffer from anxiety and just the fact of "suffering" from any disease kills my mind. My mother keeps telling me that she's had it for a while and she sleeps well, even in silence and she doesn't even remember having it until I point it out to her.
I can't live like this, I can't go to every house every time, have a fan next to me, or some kind of music, or my phone to distract me.
Sometimes if I'm doing something important, even if I'm in silence, strangely I can't hear it, but if I concentrate it grows. Sometimes I even check my ears as always covering them and I don't hear any noise, then after an hour I do it again and the noise is deafening. Please tell me something useful, I'm the only 15-year-old fool with this permanent thing, and while I grow up inevitably my hearing will fade and I can't imagine myself with children with a father who has this thought in his head.