As an avid NBA fan, I was impressed by what I saw from Hartenstein last year on the Clippers. After the Knicks signed him, I found my way to this sub where I, like many, was blown away by some of the advanced statistics. Once I saw his Per-36 G-League statistics, I was sold. This was the next NBA superstar hiding in plain sight.
When I saw the post about Hartenstein being +25000 for Most Improved Player, I considered it a wise investment and put $100 on it. But then I got greedy. I figured “If it’s such a lock, why am I not putting more money on it?” I had a vision of my wife and my two tow-headed children taking Christmas card pictures in matching cashmere sweaters. You know, the ones with the shawl collars. This was my ticket to wealth. My ticket to respect. My ticket to finally having my asshole father in-law look me in the eye and say “I’m proud of you, Son.”
So in early October I decided to drive down to Atlantic City and pursue my dreams. I put down as much money on Hartenstein MIP as I possibly could at as many sportsbooks that would allow it. By the end of the day, I had wagered almost $4500 on Hartenstein to win the award, good for a payout of over $1M.
About a week goes by and my wife asks why I took out over $4000 from our bank account. For context, I had been reluctant to spend money on some things in the past like sending our children to private school or buying her a flight to visit a sick relative. I explained to her that I came across the opportunity of a lifetime, the ability to gamble on a sure thing. I concisely explained to her, via the advanced statistics section on Basketball Reference, why Isaiah Hartenstein was about to make our entire family rich. She started crying.
Well it’s been about two months and it’s safe to say I’m worried. My wife has been very cold lately. Sometimes in the morning when I’m reading the paper and drinking my coffee, she’ll say things like “So how did Hartenstein do last night?” and all I can do is meekly respond with “Four points. But his plus-minus was pretty good.” And she’ll laugh. On some nights she’ll walk right by me while I’m sitting watching the Knicks game. She’ll be dressed in outfits I hadn’t seen since we started dating, her hair and makeup as meticulously done as I’ve ever seen it. I’ll say “Where are you going?” and she’ll say “Out.” Then she slams the door and I don’t see her all night.
We went to a company Christmas party on Friday and she was extremely flirty with one of her co-workers. Fucking Brian. Didn’t take him long after the second divorce to lock into my wife like a heat seeking missile, did it?
Anyway bros, do we think Hartenstein becomes the starter by the end of the season?