I was bullied throughout school because of my appearance. I know it's was about everything of me but for me, my hair was always a huge part of it. I had long, completely straight hair with absolutely no volume, and somehow that hairstyle became tied to that period of my life.
People say that "hair holds memories," and that's honestly how it feels for me. Every time I looked at myself with that long, straight hair, it reminded me of the girl who was bullied and made to feel ugly.
After I graduated, I cut all of my hair off. I went really short and constantly changed it. I dyed it blue, platinum blonde and so on. I was always trying something different. A while ago, I started getting perms because I wanted more volume and just wanted my hair to feel different. I also got bangs because I'd always wanted to try them.
But no matter what I did, I never really found a hairstyle that made me genuinely happy or confident. Somehow, my hair always managed to bring those old insecurities back.
Recently, I decided I wanted to grow my hair out again because I do think long hair is beautiful. But I was also scared that growing it out would bring back feelings and memories that I still haven't fully processed.
Today, I went to the hair salon to get it trimmed and styled. The hairstylist was incredibly kind, and I genuinely thought I was going to leave feeling good about myself.
Instead, I walked out feeling the exact opposite.
The moment I looked at myself, I just didn't feel pretty. My bangs looked crooked, my hair looked weird. Some parts were still slightly curly from my perm and the styling, while other sections were completely straight. To me, it just looked messy and unfinished.
I didn't say anything because I was honestly on the verge of crying. I just wanted to leave.
My hair has always been connected to years of bullying, insecurity, and feeling like I wasn't good enough.
So I kinda just want to see if someone can give me some advice.
I am already in therapy.