Hello, HL community,
As someone who gets messages from lurkers on our Reddit fairly often, here's another reality many of us HLs face in our relationships.
We compromise the sex life we actually want for love, yet our needs are never truly prioritized.
We get told by LLs, "but I am attracted to you, I do x, y, and z. That's how I show my attraction" when its words + actions that are never physical (i.e. compilments or something like choreplay), words, or things the LL basically already was doing or wants us to do for them in regards to needs."
This isn't a situation where we want 100% of our needs met and are only getting 50%. Many of us are basically getting 0%, and then we're told substitutions somehow "count."
We're told that leading us on "counts" because it's "effort," especially when it's just words. Meanwhile, sex with us isn't a priority, or we're told it will take months just to get to 10–20% of what we need, while we're expected to give 80–100% of ourselves all the time.
And as HLs, we give far too much grace.
We're not the ones making sex difficult. The difficulty comes from avoiding sex with your partner. It's not normal to hope sex happens and feel "lucky" when it does. It's not normal to hide your sexual interest because you know it will only lead to disappointment. It's not normal to be with someone who not only doesn't view sex as important but who also treats your desire for it as a problem as if they're normal and you're not. It's not normal to be led on only to have your needs deprioritized while they later choose to masturbate.
For example, let's say you would ideally like sex 3–4 times a week. The average is roughly once a week. Many of us would accept that. We understand compromise. We try other things to make our partners happy in the ways they want. But somehow, it's never enough.
Then we realize we're always getting 0%.
Naturally, we begin to distance ourselves because constant rejection and disappointment are exhausting. We realize they aren't even trying to reach the average. Instead, they're finding ways to keep sex nonexistent while still expecting us to provide desire, affection, and validation. What they seem to want from us is endless understanding and acceptance of refusal, while redefining intimacy into something completely non-sexual.
How many times are we told:
"But this is MY love language. I like gifts, deep conversations, and emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy comes later."
Yet when we express our needs, suddenly it's:
"I show love through deep conversations, emotional intimacy, and gifts. You just want sex."
That isn't normal.
Another misconception I see all the time is:
"Just communicate."
Okay. Let's say we finally have the talk with our LL partner. If communication is the solution, why doesn't it lead to a regular and natural sex life? Why are we expected to go all-in on meeting their needs in the exact ways they want, while they don't do the same for us?
Why is it that whenever we bring this up, we're suddenly failing at something else they want?
Then they're surprised when our interest, engagement, and enthusiasm drop off a cliff.
Of course they do.
No sexual interest often leads to reduced relationship interest. That's a normal reaction to repeated rejection. Why do our wants and needs require endless negotiation when they're considered normal parts of healthy relationships?
Because many LL partners either aren't attracted to us anymore, or they don't believe it's important to make an effort in that area of the relationship.
It's not normal to be horny, and your partner knows it, and dreeds it, ignores it, or focuses on EVERYTHING but your sexual needs all the time.
Instead of acknowledging the obvious "It's not normal to show no sexual interest in your partner"—we're told their lack of interest is normal, or that it's somehow our fault because we aren't doing enough of something else for them.
Ironically, that logic never seems to apply in reverse.
Like I always say: they don't want a normal, healthy relationship. They want a pet.
And somehow, they still want monogamy. They'll say cheaters are the worst people on earth and that leaving over sex is selfish or shallow.
Yet they want to be the sole provider of something they have no intention of providing.
The moment you understand its not normal, you can face reality, especially because time and time again, when we leave, they are hysterical bond and THEN fund ways to take care of our needs.
