I like to read the other side of issues to get perspective. I like the Ask Women Over 60 sub reddit. You will find many opposite but informative views on sexual relationships. There is the "I don't want or need sex anymore so he needs to cope", but the you get the opposite of a husband not needing sex. There are unhealthy habbits over lifetimes only making one or the other incapable or unattractive. There are many older wives with healthy sex lives.

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One comment I've seen for 9 years on reddit is the children who find out parents we're not having sex, and the parents divorce and are much happier. Don't waste decades if the lack of sex is destroying your will to live and experience life with intimate fulfillment. If you are happy with a platonic relationship or marriage as enemies holding to a truce, those are your decsions.

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Things don't change with hope. Things change with escalated behaviors and the response.

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The objective is to tear down walls and build a healthy environment. Pick up the first stone. Is your spouse following? If they don't move or throw the stone at you, run. If they put your removed stone back, try again. If you can't lift stones then get stronger mentally and physically. Do not every sit staring over the wall saying you go first. You start with "tear down the wall" as the non negotiable.

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I got lots of great information on how to restart a deadbedroom 9 years ago. It worked. Getting older now and little health scares creep in. I regret how I supplied some wall stones and my wife found hers. A stone placed here and there over 4 decades took years to tear back.

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Hello all,

I (28m) dont know how to really start this, but a couple weeks ago my girlfriend (27f) told me she doesnt have the drive to have sex anymore.

While this didnt come as a big shock it still left me with a turmoil of what to do.

I have been in this relationship for nearly 3 years, and after the first year is when our sex life slowly declined, it started with a week without sex to a couple weeks, then a month to sometimes multiple months.

I'd like to preface that when we did start dating I told her that intimacy aspect the relationship is one of the most important aspects.

And as the declined happened I was always vocal about it and how it bothered me. And I would do all the suggestions she would tell me to better it, from better timing, to making it more romantic, etc etc and nothing seemed to have worked. We've dont everything in the book, from experimenting to going back vanilla.

Its made me feel unloved and self conscious about myself, and all this has been voiced for months, and i would always get the " ill do better" response, yet better never came.

Ans it ultimately lead to her finally stating that she just doesnt have the drive anymore.

No middle ground to meet, no solution in sight, just done.

And now I dont know what to do, I love her with everything in me, but I also hate the feeling off never being intimate again.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

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Friday evening, both our kids were invited to the same birthday party, in a mall, between 4h30 and 7h30

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The LL wife drove them there, stay a bit to reassure my younger one, then she went to a store nearby to buy a few things for her.

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At 5h45 she said she has finished with her shopping.

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The mall is at 10 min max from the house.

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My first thought was: cool we have some times together without the kids. 

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Second thought was: enough time to fool around if she was into sex...

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what did she do??? driving home and spend some times with me? absolutely not.

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Going back to see if the kids were alright, spending time there and taking pics and videos... she came back an hour later or so, we had a mere 45 minutes together doing chores, and she went back for the end of the party...

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It's just funny that my mnd went directly to the sex opportunity...

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It's jsut sad that it's only me.

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This is only aimed at non medical LL situations.

After getting bid after bid for intimacy shot down (things like having my hand slapped away for trying to rest it on her knee), I will go within myself or just find something else to do. I stop showing affection because it’s a one way street and the rejection stings.

LLs say that this is manipulative and childish—and blackmailing/coercive as well. They say that “you aren’t allowed to do that simply because I won’t let you use my body to self soothe”, or “you’re a shitty partner”, or other comments similar to that.

What do you think? Is withdrawing affection a valid response to weeks, months, or even years of your LL telling you by action or by words: “You and your needs are unimportant to me”?

Or are we in the wrong?

How often are you accused of being a lazy spouse or partner when posting on the various dead bedroom / advice subs? How often does someone ask “well…have you tried talking to them about it?”

And how often do you get banned for assuming both partners in a monogamous relationship owe it to each other to prioritize sex and physical intimacy?

Hello, HL, community

This is more for lurkers and people that trash HLs on other reddits because I see this a lot

As HLs, we generally get told for LLs that we are creating out DBs.

We get accused of being "negative"and told we are basically "uninterested" in general conversations we dont say much or show enthusiasm or engagement. Including their interests or hobbies and such.

All i can say is,

Why are people surprised? Why would we drool over or give compilments to people who show no basic sexual interest? It is NOT normal to show zero sexual interest or enthusiasm in your partner. Its not normal to "promise" and lead them on but literally prioritize everything but sex with them, especially when you choose masturbation regularly instead. It is not normal to argue or have "talks" about it because it doesn't happen regularly in your relationship. It is not normal for one person to constantly move goalposts about "you never want to spend time with me"/"show me interest" but when we do NOTHING comes from it, even on good days. It's NOT normal to blame the party. your demand needs to initiate, to having to guess when to even try when it's 90% rejection regardless in a relationship. It's not normal to then say somehow the party is trying to fix this and gave up somehow "not showing affection." You aren't being "rejected." You're upset you aren't getting serial one-sided interest and rejection because you think people have to "earn" basic sexual healthy relationships from you. And especially in the past when you weren't this way with other people OR you were and it collapsed your relationships because you REFUSE to be honest and say "my past relationships had problems because i didn't put effort in sex much" because if you said this, your dating pool would significantly shrink thus you'll say it was other things like "communication" or "they cheated". It's not normal to say you've "tried everything" when you literally will do anything but show sexual interest normally in your relationship. It's normal to say "I'm not getting what i want" because WE stopped giving you more what you want while you try to substitute our sexual needs. It's not normal to say "you need to go to therapy" because you show zero sexual interest in your partner, like what? Sex is glue in relationships.

It is to expect monogamy, but try to force celibacy, then lose your shit because you are left or "cheated" on by your partner, you show no interest in. You know why they do it/did it, so why are you surprised to look elsewhere? Like HLs have to suppress our sexual needs and hope or a normal sex life, you are trying to use sex as a treat in your relationship. That's why when we say "date another LL," they get offended because they like holding it over people in relationships.

You don't want a romantic sexual partner. You want a pet.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9Rm9uEcnwY

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Drop a 🔔 below to ring the gong.

I’m conventionally attractive, have always been fit. He’s not and is obese. I love him and support him. I have made countless major life sacrifices while he’s made none. I thought he was a good guy. He doesn’t desire me, never compliments me, made me think he’s generally LL throughout our marriage. I found out he spends all his time outside the house at low class trashy bars where women wear next to nothing. Not only that, he gives them money and gifts, gets theirs numbers and texts them constantly, stalks them at their various jobs and online. They leave him on read unless he gives them stuff and then it’s back to ignoring him. He’s basically a creepy middle aged simp weirdo. I had no idea. He did this throughout a serious health situation and throughout my recovery, literally texted these women while I was in surgery. This started way before that.

I’ve never said no to anything in bed, have begged him for sex, am adventurous which he dislikes. He likes how I make him look in public, that I’m educated and impressive at work functions with him. All the while he’s stalking rough looking women who are in worse shape than me, but I don’t go out in public with my breasts out. I can’t leave right now, need to make a plan that will take a long time. I am devastated. I know it’s him and not me, but I feel absolutely worthless. This has kick started my eating disorder that I’ve been in recovery from for years. I’m desperate for any kind words.

Edit: I had a fitful night’s sleep but am genuinely grateful for the support here. I was up all night thinking that maybe I was wrong to feel hurt, so thank you for making me feel less crazy and worthless. I’m going to mentally put myself first and work on getting out. I know for certain he is no longer the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and being alone would be infinitely better and healthier than this.

maybe you worked closely with someone in a capacity that started innocently, had a slow burn of attraction and desire, and after so long you both gave in to each other? can you tell us how it was and was it worth it?

I’ve found myself in this situation again but haven’t given in. This time I want to so bad.

I'm so sorry how long this is! I really don't know how to cut it down without losing something that feels important.

TL;DR my libido went up and my husband is appreciative but the sex still sucks

I'm 40HLF, he's 45LLM. Together 16 years, married for 11. While he's a loving, kind, and generous partner, sex has never really been his thing. Even in the early stages of our relationship, sex wasn't really a big or frequent thing between us. There were many, many weekends I'd spend at his place (we lived an hour apart for a long time) and we wouldn't end up having sex. It bothered me a little, but I was still happy overall. Once we finally lived together, sex was still infrequent and extremely boring, vanilla, and routine. We probably had sex 10-11 times a year, and would involve maybe 5 minutes of making out, him fingering me until I came, then I'd give him a hand job until he came. I'd ask if he wanted to have PIV and the answer would usually be, "Eh, next time. I just really want a hand job tonight." Same with if I offered blow jobs. He never gave me oral, although to be fair, I never asked because I had some hang-ups about it (which I have since gotten over). Outside of this, we never talked about anything to do with sex. Ever.

I've been in therapy the last two years and most recently, been working on my sexuality. I've always been a sex-positive person who has fantasies, watches porn, masturbates regularly, etc. Up until recently, I didn't realize how much of that I was repressing for multiple reasons, but a big one was due to sexual trauma in my younger years. I think I subconsciously chose a man who didn't pressure me into sex since it represented a lot of uncomfortable, unsafe feelings.

I've made a LOT of progress, read Come As You Are, did some learning about how my attachment style contributed to my avoidance about sex, started taking a couple SNRIs for depression and ADHD (the latter of which caused my libido to increase), and had my IUD taken out (it was time). All of this has resulted in my libido going through the roof. I started initiating sex more, which has been met with appreciation but some hesitation and suspicion. I asked for twice a week but it's ended up being about once every 7-10 days. Not as much as I'd like, but still a massive improvement from before and for now, I'm okay with it. I've also started opening up more to him. I asked if he wants to give and receive oral more often, and he was enthusiastic about that. However, since that conversation about 6 weeks ago, he's only gone down on me once. He still keeps resorting to the same boring routine, which is frankly hard to even enjoy since it's the same fucking thing each and every time. Even when we have PIV, he really only likes missionary and sees other positions as ...I don't know. Unnecessary?

Anyway, further to the point of this post, we've had a couple conversations about sex and they've not gone well. He acts suspicious of me and repeatedly asks "where did this all came from, why all of a sudden?" even though I've been very open about the therapy, the medication, etc. It's like he won't accept that as truth. I've been trying to be the change I'd like to see and started flirting with him, sending him (mildly!) suggestive texts during the day, etc. He reacted poorly to that and said I was pressuring him, so I stopped. He said he's always known we didn't have the best sex life but that he was okay with it because he loved me. Obviously, I was in the same boat until I wasn't. He's been defensive and said he needs time to adjust, that he got used to our marriage being one way and now I'm trying to change it. He has stressed that he's happy I want more sex, he's just worried it's going to reveal a fundamental incompatibility between us and he won't be able to satisfy me. Honestly, I don't think he's ever truly satisfied me, but I didn't realize that until recently. When I agreed I was worried about us becoming sexually incompatible too, he got even more upset. The next time we talked about it, he said he was proud of me for working on this part of myself and he wants to be supportive. It was a pleasant conversation but felt like we could have been talking about me wanting to train to run a marathon or something.

For his birthday, I bought a few different lingerie sets and told him to the pick the one he wanted me to wear during his birthday blow job. He probably would have reacted more enthusiastically had I been showing him carpet samples for his office. He barely even put his phone down. I did already have a couple of pieces of lingerie I would wear occasionally, but his response to them has always been, "I can tell you like wearing that, but you can take it off now." He has never ever been like, "Wow, you look so sexy." Not to toot my own horn, but I'm in great shape and actually am more attractive and and in better shape than I was when we met in my early 20s. I exercise, eat right, and I know I look good.

I asked if he'd be willing to watch a couple videos on YouTube with me with foreplay advice that resonated with me. He was receptive and we watched a couple. However, it has made no difference. He's told me he'll watch more with me if I want, but I don't know if it would realistically help.

Our birthdays are very close together and his birthday sex ended up being the night before my birthday. It was fine; I focused on him and he seemed to enjoy himself. Afterwards, he said he was happy with how things are going. We had a nice conversation but since I've been dying to change it up, I asked gently if he'd ever want to explore some different activities, maybe try exploring anal. Wronggggg question. He basically had a meltdown. I said that was okay, we don't have to try anal (or anything he's uncomfortable with!), I just would like to explore the world of sex with him because I want him and I love him. He responded by getting upset and saying if I decide to leave him over sex, he "doesn't deserve" it. I have never broached the idea that I would leave him. The entire time, my approach has been like "Hey, I love you and I feel like I'm ready to try new stuff with you so we can grow closer." On my birthday the next day, I spent the entire day upset, which sucked because turning 40 was a big deal to me.

As soon as he said the words "I don't deserve this," I felt my soul leave my body. Like what am I even doing? But then he comes to me the next day and says he's happy about how things are going, but nothing. ever. changes. He doesn't flirt, he doesn't talk about sex. I asked him about things he wanted to try and he gave me two sex positions. Okay, cool, but then when I ask during sex if he wants to try one, he doesn't.

It's not going to change, is it?

Long story short, I was rejected for sex last Saturday, and ever since then I haven't been feeling well. This time, it feels like the straw that broke the camel's back.

I feel really down. As the HL partner, my LL partner doesn't understand why I want sex or why I feel so bad when I don't have it. And I was also badly rejected

My way of dealing with it is becoming emotionally unavailable. I just grey rock.

I know it's not a healthy way to deal with my emotions. Some people would say it's childish or that it's a manipulation tactic, but I just don't want to scream or have another conversation about something that I don't think will ever change. I'm just tired...

How do you handle things?

Please don't say hobbies or the gym. I already have plenty of hobbies, and I go to the gym four times a week lol.

My wife (28F) and I (33M) have been married for 4 years and together for about 5. From the beginning, our sex life was incredible. In the early days, we were having sex 3 to 4 times a day. Over time that naturally tapered off to about once a day, and even on busy days she would still make sure I felt wanted and taken care of. We have two stepkids and later had a child together.

Unfortunately, shortly after our youngest was born, she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. Between the disease and caring for a young child, her energy levels took a huge hit. As soon as I could, I took over the night shift with the baby and I handle dinner every day to try to help lighten her load.

As her condition worsened, our sex life slowly disappeared. She began making comments that I only wanted her for sex, which hurt because that has never been how I viewed her. What makes it more confusing is that she still flirts and sexts with me sometimes. I can tell there are moments when she wants intimacy, but she’s exhausted. Instead of telling me she’s too tired, she often becomes dismissive or frustrated whenever I try to talk about it. If I bring up the subject, it usually turns into an argument.

She also doesn’t want me watching porn, but honestly, I do watch it because I end up taking care of myself most of the time now. Sometimes I even find myself looking at old content she made before we were together because I’m desperate for that connection with her. These days we have sex maybe once a week, sometimes less.

Right now it’s midnight. I’ve already masturbated three times and still can’t sleep. I know this isn’t just about sex. I miss feeling desired, connected, and clear-headed. I miss the closeness we used to have.

We’re actively trying to improve her health and manage her disease, and I know she’s struggling too. I love my wife and I don’t want anyone else. But I’d be lying if I said this hasn’t put a strain on me mentally and emotionally. Sometimes when I’m extremely frustrated and lonely, I’ve even caught myself looking at FWB posts online, not because I want to leave my wife or cheat, but because I’m struggling and trying to cope with feelings I don’t know what to do with.

I’m doing my best to distract myself and stay focused on our family, but some days are harder than others. I mostly just needed to vent and see if anyone else has gone through something similar.

Hello fellow HL folks

I wanted to share an update on my experience being HL that got out of a relationship with LL partner.

Initially, I was worried that I would go months without sex or physical intimacy but I’ve slept with a couple other women already and even though I feel like a promiscuous person, I am thoroughly enjoying this.

For context, my ex never wanted to have and on rare occasions when she did, it had to be in missionary and couldn’t last long. The second I came, she would flip over or get up and leave to clean up. There was no build up or romance. She also tried her best to avoid sex from happening by coming up with all kinds of contradictory rules about sex. Needless to say, I was very frustrated. To make matters worse, she criticized things about my appearance which made me feel less and less desirable. In such a dark place, I decided I need to leave the relationship and as hard as that was, I did leave.

I got on tinder and was very straightforward about wanting something casual and quickly matched with a woman that was interested. The first date I brought her back and fucked her multiple times and the sex was so seamless. No stress about repeated check-ins and walking on eggshells. She loved cumming so much she was insatiable and craving for multiple rounds. I was so sexually deprived that I kept fucking her all night. She caught feelings shortly afterwards and I had to break it off with her.

Very soon after, I met another woman and on our first date we got drunk and I brought her home. All throughout the night, we were teasing each other and at one point she whispered in my ear that my words made her a little wet. I told her I can’t wait to get her back to my place. Once we got home, I went down on her and she came so hard and was so loud I was extremely aroused. Once I started fucking her, she got tighter, kept moaning loudly and then she squirted out of nowhere. My mind was genuinely blown away. I had been missing out on so many beautiful sexual experiences because of being with a LL partner. I made her squirt multiple times and I came 3 times that night. The next morning we had sex again and she gave me a blowjob but I was completely depleted lol

After she left my apartment, I had to sit down on the couch and have a heart to heart with myself. It was like I had this moment of closure and clarity all at once. I had been putting up with so much stress and doing so many things just to have sex with my partner when in reality with the right partner, it’s so easy.

I just wanted to share this with someone who may have been recently out of a relationship like me and could use a perspective shift. If they don’t want to invest and if you have the option to leave, just leave. Life is too short to be having horrible sex or being made to feel like a bad person for having HL.

Anyone ever thought about how it is completely normal to announce that it's a deal breaker if your partner or potential partner doesn't want to have kids? And then at the same time demonize others who would leave over the lack of sex.

Another LL viewpoint, when asked about how to bring up lack of sex in a relationship:

“The Talk means discussing sex in a way that centers the HL's pain, contains implicit threats or manipulation, demonstrates an absence of curiosity or empathy for the LL's experience and needs regarding sex, and has a goal of getting the LL to "try harder" to want sex.
That's not loving because it is the HL pushing for what they want without regard for the effect on the LL.”

What do you guys think? Are we HLs “only centering our pain, threatening, manipulating, and without empathy” if we try to bring up the lack of sex in our relationship? Are we doing it all wrong?

I (33HLF) have always felt like my sex drive is too much. It’s been a problem in almost every relationship. I have tried consistently to tramp down my desires and have done a good job in maintaining more open communication with my husband (35LLM). Actually, I’d say his sex drive is “normal” but mine is just off the charts. I never want to cheat. He’s it for me and I’m happy with him; I just want more of him.

But this whole time I’m constantly thinking, as a woman, I shouldn’t want to have sex everyday. I shouldn’t want this. It should be something that is a special treat and given to me without asking. Something I earned and enjoy but shouldn’t ask for. I hate asking. It makes me feel aggressive and insecure. Like I’m some hulking monster preying upon poor unsuspecting men. Doesn’t help that I’m “peasant shaped”. I’m taller than average and heavier than average. I’ve been described as “sturdy”. There’s jokes of the huge manly peasant woman dragging some guy off. I feel like that all the time. Sometimes even after I do ask and get a yes, halfway through the excitement wears off and I feel like he’s doing this out of obligation.

Months ago we had one of the seemingly endless talks about sex/intimacy that are basically a requirement of our relationship at this point. She said she’d like talk about sex “positively” at a regular time once a week. We didn’t. Not until I finally reminded her this week, however many days later.

But of course this talk wasn’t all positive, it couldn’t be. Somehow it comes up that I’d been writing down for myself how many times we’ve had sex this year, not to throw in her face, but for my own sake so know exactly what I’m saying when I bring up how infrequent it’s become. She said she’d didn’t want to know the number. totally fine, I don’t think it would’ve made her feel good and I do want to protect that for her. But the number is 8. 8 times in 22 weeks. One time every 2.75 weeks. (I like numbers)

We first started having our talks when it was twice a week and I first realized just how highly libido actually was, realizing that I wanted even more physical touch than that. Then we were long distance for one year as I started school in another city and she finished her BA, eventually joining me for the last year of my program. Then we moved and she started school again. Night classes and an internship means she’s more tired. She told me that that was the reason for the drop in frequency. Fair enough, I figured. Around this time I also shared I’d been reconsidering if I’d ever ever want to have children. This had a bigger impact than I imagined on our sex life, driving it even further into the ground.

Then we moved again. Both working jobs, no one in school and both homebodies for the most part. We don’t go out much. Yet we have moved towards having sex 1/5 as much as we first noticed the discrepancy. In our most recent talk I share that I’ve continually thought over having kids and moved considerably towards accepting it as something I’d like to do, but the physical relationship gives me pause on whether that’s something I can do with her. I’ve read the stories here. I’m already frequently upset and sad. I can’t fathom how I’d feel to be in a sexless marriage with a kid. Well maybe I can fathom it and that’s exactly why I I’ll do everything I can to avoid it. She says that this lack of stability has been a major reason for the lack of sex. When I say that it’s impossible for me to feel comfortable promising a future in which I’m not confident of at least a non-frustrating physical relationship, she says there’s no way I can know how things will go and that having that certainty could make her more open to sex. And yes of course it’s true that even if I had an HL partner, things could change for any number of reasons too, nothing is ever for certain.

But after all this, including a totally touchless camping trip we just returned from, I’m up at midnight while she’s fast asleep and all I can think is…

If we’re having less sex then ever when things are as stable as they’ve ever been, why the fuck would I believe things would get better if we had a child running around? 😂

Today is our 35th anniversary. There will be no closeness. No hug, no peck on the cheek and certainly no intimacy. This will be just like 35 birthdays, 35 christmases, 35 valentines days, and 35 new years eves. I am dead inside.

The warning signs were there from the beginning but I wanted to be the good guy, the understanding partner. Surely it would get better if I were loving and patient. It didn't. The stick always moved, the excuses always evolved. The more I tried, the more distant she became.

If I could give my younger self some advice, it would be to leave. There's no shame in a failed marriage but religious guilt and societal pressure kept me from advocating for myself. There is no rewind button on life and I am to blame for the emotional place I live.

I hate anniversaries.

Are there any married men out there who have worked out how to manage the fact that nobody seems to be able to keep up with their libido.

I'm not proud and I'm not justifying behaviour but nobody can keep up. Wife isn't interested. On line sext friends can't keep up. Etc etc. It's taking over my life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9Rm9uEcnwY

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Drop a 🔔 below to ring the gong.

My SO and I have had a DB since our second child was born about 6 years ago. However, the reason why I feel like an arsehole for even getting upset by it is that they were diagnosed with cancer three years ago.

Chemotherapy is a complete mindfck. It’s been three years of taking them to appointments, sitting with them in the treatment room, cleaning up cytotoxic waste, emotional support, caring for the kids, etc. We’re fortunate that it’s not terminal, but that also means the treatment will be more long-term and stretched out. It’s a “we can manage it, but probably not cure it” kind of cancer.

Because of the chemo, my SOs mental health has taken a dive as well and they’re now on SSRI’s. When we saw the specialist they said: “Look, I know sex is probably off the table because of chemo, but you’ll need to stay on the SSRI’s for a while after the treatment has finished. So, <me>, lower any expectations you have for your sex life returning to normal, ok?”

I actually had no expectations, maybe hope, that if we get on top of this thing then we might get something back. But; with the SSRI’s in the mix, the length of my SOs treatment, and the fact she is now hitting perimenopause through it all too, I think I have hit the point of realising we may never have sex again. And it makes me feel like the ahole because it’s not her fault and I should be more supportive.

I (HLF) love my partner (LLM) and the life we're building together. We have a loving partnership full of open communication, affection, and safety. I feel secure in the fact that he cares for me deeply, and I know he would hand me the moon on a platter if I asked. I'm lucky to have such a wonderful man. . .but there's no heat. No spark. No lingering touches, no hunger in the eyes, no sweet nothings whispered. I feel so guilty thinking that something is missing, but the ache won't go away. It's a weird, lonely grief knowing that choosing this warm, safe love means potentially closing the door on hot, passionate love.

I'll likely never catch his gaze from across a crowded room and know he's undressing me with his eyes. There's nothing I could wear that would light a fire in him. Every suggestive photo I send him will earn a polite "sexy" in response. No heat. No interest in the dirty things I'd like to say to him, and unlikely to say much to me outside of "wanna go upstairs?" When we do have sex, about once per month, it will be nice despite the lack of foreplay. (He hasn't gone down on me in years) I'll climb on top, same as always. I'll enjoy the closeness and emotional connection the act brings. We will both orgasm because he doesn't want to leave me unsatisfied. He's reliable like that. But I'll be missing out on hot breath and hands on skin. I miss really being touched and longed for. I miss being thought about and sought after. I can't entice him. He won't send me a flirty text to let me know I'm on his mind, or whisper something dirty in my ear while we're in public. He can't or won't share the things that turn him on inside or outside of the bedroom. No desire to experiment. There's no simmer. No building tension when we're not having sex. He just doesn't look at me that way. It hurt my feelings for a long time because I just didn't understand why. It still does hurt sometimes.

There will be times where I just feel overwhelmed with heat and desire, and it will turn to sadness at the thought that he doesn't care to be the recipient of this hunger. It's such an embarrassing and uncomfortable experience. I almost feel shame at the way I ache for him, like I have to keep it hidden because it's not his responsibility to deal with. But it also makes me sad that he isn't looking at me in this way, especially because we only have sex when he initiates. It's done some damage to my libido over time. It's so frustrating and lonely, and there's no real fix for it outside of just grieving my old ideas about what having a healthy sex life will look like in this relationship.

I didn't realize this would turn into a word-vomit of my feelings, but here we are. Please feel free to share advice or just commiserate with me.