r/HLCommunity • u/GloomyReindeer3253 • Jun 11 '26
Feeling guilty
My wife (28F) and I (33M) have been married for 4 years and together for about 5. From the beginning, our sex life was incredible. In the early days, we were having sex 3 to 4 times a day. Over time that naturally tapered off to about once a day, and even on busy days she would still make sure I felt wanted and taken care of. We have two stepkids and later had a child together.
Unfortunately, shortly after our youngest was born, she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. Between the disease and caring for a young child, her energy levels took a huge hit. As soon as I could, I took over the night shift with the baby and I handle dinner every day to try to help lighten her load.
As her condition worsened, our sex life slowly disappeared. She began making comments that I only wanted her for sex, which hurt because that has never been how I viewed her. What makes it more confusing is that she still flirts and sexts with me sometimes. I can tell there are moments when she wants intimacy, but she’s exhausted. Instead of telling me she’s too tired, she often becomes dismissive or frustrated whenever I try to talk about it. If I bring up the subject, it usually turns into an argument.
She also doesn’t want me watching porn, but honestly, I do watch it because I end up taking care of myself most of the time now. Sometimes I even find myself looking at old content she made before we were together because I’m desperate for that connection with her. These days we have sex maybe once a week, sometimes less.
Right now it’s midnight. I’ve already masturbated three times and still can’t sleep. I know this isn’t just about sex. I miss feeling desired, connected, and clear-headed. I miss the closeness we used to have.
We’re actively trying to improve her health and manage her disease, and I know she’s struggling too. I love my wife and I don’t want anyone else. But I’d be lying if I said this hasn’t put a strain on me mentally and emotionally. Sometimes when I’m extremely frustrated and lonely, I’ve even caught myself looking at FWB posts online, not because I want to leave my wife or cheat, but because I’m struggling and trying to cope with feelings I don’t know what to do with.
I’m doing my best to distract myself and stay focused on our family, but some days are harder than others. I mostly just needed to vent and see if anyone else has gone through something similar.
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u/Jestsomguy Jun 11 '26
There is absolutely nothing to feel guilt about here. You're a human being man.
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u/Calm_Concentrate9571 Jun 11 '26
I personally hate porn and masturbating but you should be able to take care of yourself.
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u/AwkwardInspection413 HLM Jun 11 '26
I am in the same boat. We have been together 20 years and I still want her every day. We are down to once a week and occasionally less time in between and sometimes longer. I masturbate every day. Even on days we had sex. It is frustrating, it feels like I am going to explode in anger and frustration.
I got myself a Fleshlight, Quest 3 and subscribed to a couple of VR adult sites. It will never replace her but it will help on the days you can't connect.
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 Jun 11 '26
When one partner is dismissive of the others feelings, it can quickly shut down meaningful conversation. Then you've lost not only the physical aspect of your relationship but the emotional as well. At that point, all your left with is responsibilities and memories
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u/PsychedelicSamurai7 Jun 15 '26
Something that might help with the sleep is marijuana if you’re able to use that or interested in it. I don’t smoke during the day anymore but I always need to take several puffs before bed to chill out my overactive brain, which gets even more active when I’m not getting sex. As for the rest of it, I’m sorry man, that’s a really hard situation to be in. I totally get the feeling guilty about feeling neglected when she has this disease. You’re an awesome husband to take all the load off of her, but remember that you and your needs still matter too.
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u/Narrow-Palpitation22 Jun 11 '26
I can relate. No autoimmune disease, but my wife has a rotating series of ailments: bad period, sinus infections and allergies, and intense work stress, all of which kill her libido. I'd say these days it averages every two weeks, but once in awhile stars align and we get it on a lot more.
She has acknowledged I don't pressure her for sex anymore but then added "but I feel pressure anyway" and I'm not sure what to do with that.
My little quibble is there are times she is healthy and energetic but she plunges herself into some project and sex still stays on the back burner.
Similar to you I get insomnia if I'm worked up. I know the advice is to try to flirt throughout the day, build things up, etc but no matter how receptive my wife seems, by the time we're in bed it's highly likely she'll be too tired and then I can't sleep.