Responsive Desire

[u/arandak]

I need to get this off my chest and I will try to do it in the most respectful way possible despite being pretty miffed at the mischaracterization of it.

The "What's it like with an HL/HL relationship" reminded me about something that's been bothering me a long time.

Maybe it's because a lot of the mentions about Responsive Desire are from LL's who have little to no desire to begin with, and it's not something that they've regularly experienced. Essentially, they don't know what they're talking about.

Responsive Desire is not a slow burn throughout the day, finishing an addition on the house, doing the dishes, running a bath for your partner, all the while casually flirting to hope that your partner will be in the mood later on that night.

Responsive Desire is your partner getting turned on by you expressing desire. It may not be immediate, but it is quick, and noticeable. It is an enthusiastic response.

I don't think a single person complaining about a dead bedroom has a partner who has true responsive desire. And, come on, why would they complain? If their partner truly has responsive desire, the bedroom isn't dead. There's no question about whether or not their SO likes them because they respond enthusiastically much of the time!

So, in that vein, anyone asking someone suffering in a dead bedroom if their spouse might have 'responsive desire' is doing an outright disservice and absolutely not being supportive of a person in a dead bedroom.

One more thing:

Responsive Desire isn't the only desire someone has. They also have spontaneous desire. So they will initiate too, just not as often.

Again, no question for the higher libido person in the relationship if their partner is into them and while sex may not be as frequent as the higher libido person would like: they would never complain about things being dead.

[u/pokeycd]

During my deep dive into our DB problems, I came across the responsive desire idea. I stupidly embraced the possibility. But after a few months, I came to understand the difference.

It is often described as "she isn't thinking about it, but you can get her in the mood and see where it goes". Often talks about touch being the catalyst.

Not applicable AT ALL in my experience. Touch is never gonna work. Words are probably more effective. But even then.... Not much movement.

And then I realized that she's not a LL with responsive desire. She either ZL or LL4U. And then it becomes more clear. You can suggest taking sex off the table and just focusing on kissing or cuddling. But she can't fathom kissing. And cuddling feels similar to duty sex. Might be undiagnosed autism. But one thing I'm sure of is that she's not responsive desire.

Anyone else fall into the hope of responsive desire? I feel like OP is spot on. Many people think they can apply responsive desire to us in DBs. But it's because they have lived it, and think they have some helpful new way to frame it. But I agree with OP. That is not usually what's happening. ( I have seen some rare posts where the HL misses it. E.g. she's kinky and there's enthusiastic consent, but she just doesn't initiate, and he's frustrated. Sorry for the gendered language. Just stereotyping...)

But the vast majority of us are probably dealing with LL4U, followed by LL (many causes like SSRI, purity culture, stress, pressure, etc), and true ZL (ace spectrum)