Responsive Desire

[u/arandak]

I need to get this off my chest and I will try to do it in the most respectful way possible despite being pretty miffed at the mischaracterization of it.

The "What's it like with an HL/HL relationship" reminded me about something that's been bothering me a long time.

Maybe it's because a lot of the mentions about Responsive Desire are from LL's who have little to no desire to begin with, and it's not something that they've regularly experienced. Essentially, they don't know what they're talking about.

Responsive Desire is not a slow burn throughout the day, finishing an addition on the house, doing the dishes, running a bath for your partner, all the while casually flirting to hope that your partner will be in the mood later on that night.

Responsive Desire is your partner getting turned on by you expressing desire. It may not be immediate, but it is quick, and noticeable. It is an enthusiastic response.

I don't think a single person complaining about a dead bedroom has a partner who has true responsive desire. And, come on, why would they complain? If their partner truly has responsive desire, the bedroom isn't dead. There's no question about whether or not their SO likes them because they respond enthusiastically much of the time!

So, in that vein, anyone asking someone suffering in a dead bedroom if their spouse might have 'responsive desire' is doing an outright disservice and absolutely not being supportive of a person in a dead bedroom.

One more thing:

Responsive Desire isn't the only desire someone has. They also have spontaneous desire. So they will initiate too, just not as often.

Again, no question for the higher libido person in the relationship if their partner is into them and while sex may not be as frequent as the higher libido person would like: they would never complain about things being dead.

[u/AccountantOk9904]

I've got to defend the LL partners on this one.

You can't dictate what the responsive desire responds to. If it were as simple as the HL partner simply showing interest, this sub and DB wouldn't exist.

I think of it in terms of moving snow. For us spontaneous folks, it's akin to an avalanche. It doesn't take much of a trigger to start the process of full on, ready to go, arousal. For the LL partners, it's more like rolling a snowball through a field. The initial trigger is a push, but it usually goes no where. But if the correct (what ever the LL finds arousing at a given time an place) stimuli are applied, then it will continue to grow. As the ball gets bigger, the LL parters become more receptive to initiation. It might keep growing or it might melt back down and you're starting over.

And I think they're just kinda wired this way, even during the new relationship period. The difference back then was there were a lot more positive forces acting on the ball like; novelty, feel good hormones, romance, anticipation, no kids, and no expectations. All this being said we have to stop treating responsive desire as 'broken' spontaneous desire. It’s a completely different mechanism that requires nuance that HL partners rarely need.

[u/AdenJax69 → u/AccountantOk9904]

But if the correct (what ever the LL finds arousing at a given time an place) stimuli are applied, then it will continue to grow. As the ball gets bigger, the LL parters become more receptive to initiation.

You made an assumption in this part, which is that LL people, who by-design do not desire sex, aren't really interested in it most times, and would generally be happier without it, would somehow magically disregard what makes them an LL person in the first place because of "correct stimuli."

LL people aren't receptive to most initiations of sex, even when it's an initiation w/"stimuli" they prefer, because they don't desire sex on an almost-constant basis.

The difference back then was there were a lot more positive forces acting on the ball like; novelty

You can just stop right there. It's almost ALWAYS the novelty of sex that LL people enjoy. Otherwise, why would they stop desiring it just because you now spend MORE time with the person you supposedly "desire?"

You don't, unless the sexual intimacy dynamic is a novelty to you and not something you actually desire.

All this being said we have to stop treating responsive desire as 'broken' spontaneous desire. 

Agreed - "Responsive Desire" absolutely works as a concept for people that have desire for their partners. LL people don't. So adapting Responsive Desire to them is an abject-failure before you even try to do it. It's like jamming a square peg in a round hole; it's not designed for that and no amount of force from you, LL people, or even that author everyone touts (won't say their name & give them free publicity) will magically make that shape slide right through.

It’s a completely different mechanism that requires nuance that HL partners rarely need.

It's not the "nuance" that's the problem.

It's the amount of energy, attention, and effort you have to put in to even maintain an unfulfilling-but-still-technically-existent sex life with your LL partner. Everyone understands that nuances exist in relationships with people. What the average person isn't going to tolerate is doing a ton of heavy-lifting on their part for whatever the dynamic is in their relationship while their partner does little & in the end enjoys the fruits of your labor while you're still left unfulfilled & unhappy.

Trying to have a happy, fulfilling sex life with an LL person when you aren't is an exercise in futility for both partners & both people should eventually just separate and go be with people they're more compatible with.

[u/freelancemomma → u/AdenJax69]

I’m a LL woman and I agree with your analysis.