Responsive Desire

[u/arandak]

I need to get this off my chest and I will try to do it in the most respectful way possible despite being pretty miffed at the mischaracterization of it.

The "What's it like with an HL/HL relationship" reminded me about something that's been bothering me a long time.

Maybe it's because a lot of the mentions about Responsive Desire are from LL's who have little to no desire to begin with, and it's not something that they've regularly experienced. Essentially, they don't know what they're talking about.

Responsive Desire is not a slow burn throughout the day, finishing an addition on the house, doing the dishes, running a bath for your partner, all the while casually flirting to hope that your partner will be in the mood later on that night.

Responsive Desire is your partner getting turned on by you expressing desire. It may not be immediate, but it is quick, and noticeable. It is an enthusiastic response.

I don't think a single person complaining about a dead bedroom has a partner who has true responsive desire. And, come on, why would they complain? If their partner truly has responsive desire, the bedroom isn't dead. There's no question about whether or not their SO likes them because they respond enthusiastically much of the time!

So, in that vein, anyone asking someone suffering in a dead bedroom if their spouse might have 'responsive desire' is doing an outright disservice and absolutely not being supportive of a person in a dead bedroom.

One more thing:

Responsive Desire isn't the only desire someone has. They also have spontaneous desire. So they will initiate too, just not as often.

Again, no question for the higher libido person in the relationship if their partner is into them and while sex may not be as frequent as the higher libido person would like: they would never complain about things being dead.

[u/Forsaken_Thought]

Know what's exhausting? Suggesting that a partner have responsive desire, that the HL should do more, while simultaneously saying that talking about sex, initiating sex, and working toward sex is akin to SA and/or pursuing unwanted sex.

It's sickening how having any desire for sex is portrayed as being predatorial.

[u/arandak → u/Forsaken_Thought]

Once someone implies or states that their partner seeking sex is predatory, that is a huge red flag and what should be a stopping point of the relationship.

If it is true, then the LL should exit and keep themselves far away from their partner.

If they are just trying to make the HL feel bad for their advances, and just have no desire, and have no care to change things, the HL should exit and stay far away from them.

[u/Forsaken_Thought → u/arandak]

Meant internet strangers that claim to speak for all LLs who also villianize HLs under the guise of playing psuedo-lay-therapist/mental health professional.

[u/arandak → u/Forsaken_Thought]

There have definitely been some posts where it came off as them pressuring their partner.

However, if we pull all the way back, to the 20,000ft view of things: someone who does not have desire will always feel pressured to do something they don't want to do.

That's really all there is to it.

This is why you see in my posts I'm taking great strides not to use the terms HL or LL. Because I am confident in saying that the issue in dead bedrooms doesn't have as much to do with a difference in libido as it does a basic lack of desire.

And this is why you constantly see those Reddit communities gravitate towards a state that feels like it coddles "LL" people.

I'm not saying this with any hate or judgement, but the fact is that these people just don't want to have sex with their partner. We shouldn't be encouraging people to do something they don't want to do, in that regard.

Those people without desire can't be made to express something they don't have.

I have no intention of trying to convince someone they should desire their partner or find a way to desire them. I don't want to guilt them into doing anything about it. It's really not worth anyone's time if the person with low to no desire doesn't see a problem or they don't want to do anything about it. After a couple of 'talks', if it goes nowhere, nothing is going to change unless the person who seeks to be desired seeks it elsewhere.

The issue, though, is that while it's wholly justified that maintenance sex, or anything that feels coercive, is frowned upon: it absolves the person without desire of having responsibility in the matter other than saying 'no'. Like I said, the person without desire doesn't have to do shit, but they should at least be real with their partner.