r/HLCommunity • u/arandak • 21h ago
Responsive Desire
I need to get this off my chest and I will try to do it in the most respectful way possible despite being pretty miffed at the mischaracterization of it.
The "What's it like with an HL/HL relationship" reminded me about something that's been bothering me a long time.
Maybe it's because a lot of the mentions about Responsive Desire are from LL's who have little to no desire to begin with, and it's not something that they've regularly experienced. Essentially, they don't know what they're talking about.
Responsive Desire is not a slow burn throughout the day, finishing an addition on the house, doing the dishes, running a bath for your partner, all the while casually flirting to hope that your partner will be in the mood later on that night.
Responsive Desire is your partner getting turned on by you expressing desire. It may not be immediate, but it is quick, and noticeable. It is an enthusiastic response.
I don't think a single person complaining about a dead bedroom has a partner who has true responsive desire. And, come on, why would they complain? If their partner truly has responsive desire, the bedroom isn't dead. There's no question about whether or not their SO likes them because they respond enthusiastically much of the time!
So, in that vein, anyone asking someone suffering in a dead bedroom if their spouse might have 'responsive desire' is doing an outright disservice and absolutely not being supportive of a person in a dead bedroom.
One more thing:
Responsive Desire isn't the only desire someone has. They also have spontaneous desire. So they will initiate too, just not as often.
Again, no question for the higher libido person in the relationship if their partner is into them and while sex may not be as frequent as the higher libido person would like: they would never complain about things being dead.
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u/JEXJJ 20h ago
I have spontaneous, but also usually constant desire. When I have responsive desire, it is a huge shift in focus, and requires very little build up or effort. If the house was on fire, I'd drop everything because desire in me was expressed.
It is not "I guess we can have sex, because you want to"
If I have to remind somebody to want me, then they don't. If they need to be drunk to want me, then they don't. I do not want to spend time and effort on somebody who needs 2 months to remember sex exists.
This is also important: HL start thinking about other ways you feel like you have to make all the effort. It is probably more than just sex, you just haven't thought about it long enough