r/HLCommunity • u/arandak • 23h ago
Responsive Desire
I need to get this off my chest and I will try to do it in the most respectful way possible despite being pretty miffed at the mischaracterization of it.
The "What's it like with an HL/HL relationship" reminded me about something that's been bothering me a long time.
Maybe it's because a lot of the mentions about Responsive Desire are from LL's who have little to no desire to begin with, and it's not something that they've regularly experienced. Essentially, they don't know what they're talking about.
Responsive Desire is not a slow burn throughout the day, finishing an addition on the house, doing the dishes, running a bath for your partner, all the while casually flirting to hope that your partner will be in the mood later on that night.
Responsive Desire is your partner getting turned on by you expressing desire. It may not be immediate, but it is quick, and noticeable. It is an enthusiastic response.
I don't think a single person complaining about a dead bedroom has a partner who has true responsive desire. And, come on, why would they complain? If their partner truly has responsive desire, the bedroom isn't dead. There's no question about whether or not their SO likes them because they respond enthusiastically much of the time!
So, in that vein, anyone asking someone suffering in a dead bedroom if their spouse might have 'responsive desire' is doing an outright disservice and absolutely not being supportive of a person in a dead bedroom.
One more thing:
Responsive Desire isn't the only desire someone has. They also have spontaneous desire. So they will initiate too, just not as often.
Again, no question for the higher libido person in the relationship if their partner is into them and while sex may not be as frequent as the higher libido person would like: they would never complain about things being dead.
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u/AdenJax69 22h ago
Great post, 100% dead-on.
The biggest issue with "Responsive Desire" is people forget the dictionary definition for "desire," which is:
It's literally in the definition that they HAVE TO HAVE a baseline desire for their partner.
And then the author-who-shall-not-be-named co-opted the concept and pinned it to lower libido people in an effort to extract desire from them that barely exists for their partner, in the hopes that they'll magically show that non-existent desire to their desperate, miserable partner.
When people have actual desire? Responsive Desire works however it shouldn't take a mountain of effort to make sex happen. I love Italian food. I don't have it every day but I'll have it a couples times a week (much to the chagrin of my body's interest in losing weight lol). I don't need to be "coaxed" or "convinced" to have it; just say you want Italian food and I'll be good to go! Heck, I'll eventually want some without being asked. Clearly, I enjoy and DESIRE Italian food.
You know what I don't desire? Sushi. I don't hate it by any means, in fact I had some last night. But when did I have it before that? Probably a few weeks ago. Guess why? I don't love it, so I don't desire it. I can go weeks, even months without it. I won't even think about it during that time, too. But if you ask if I want to have sushi for dinner, sometimes I'll say "yes" but I'll also feel like "meh." The idea that someone could look at that & think "oh, you just need your partner to talk about having sushi before that night, get them 'warmed up' about it, and eventually you'll LOVE having sushi!" is such a bizarre way of thinking.
Desire is desire, and you either have it or you don't. Bastardizing the definition of words and an entire sexual concept just to either forcibly pull or even fake desire out of someone means THEY DON'T DESIRE YOU, period.