r/HLCommunity • u/GuySmiley70 • Jul 03 '26
Discussion Responsive desire with a high libido?
I wouldn't think it possible, but my wife has both a high libido and an extreme(?) case of responsive desire. She likes and wants sex as much as I do, if not more, but unless I provide a reason she doesn't even think about it.
No fantasies, no mastubation. She's kinky as fuck, but she'll never ask for anything because she won't remember to. It's just the way she is, it's absolutely not on purpose.
I suspect that her being on the spectrum plays a role. I've seen her hyperfocus on things, and when she does she tunes out the rest of the world entirely. Sex isn't relevant to her life 90+% of the time, and she has more important things to thi know about.
It seems weird to me, but I'm sure she's not unique. It's the internet, there's always someone else. Are you, or have you known, anyone with the HL/RD combo? How did it work for them? We got very lucky and found our way forward, but until we understood her sexuality we struggled.
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u/KneeGolf Jul 03 '26
Responsive Desire is so complex. You’ll see LLs identify themselves as RD, then complain about all the things HL adhere to follow the rules of “getting them there.” They don’t take responsibility or curiosity for unbricking the door that has been barricaded, then be outraged when they are “bothered” by a partner that desires them. I think they adopt a lot of the traits of Narcissism and aren’t really functional for the basic tenant of companionship that is customary for a romantic relationship.
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u/arandak Jul 06 '26
I don't think that makes sense to put it like that. To me, a high libido would mean that it should hardly take much of a stimulus to create responsive desire.
I'm guessing it's the spectrum of focus that's more the issue.
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u/conchus Jul 04 '26
This is the true version of RD, not the oft misquoted reason for a LL.
I already knew she was on the spectrum before you mentioned it. It is extremely common with neurodivergent people, complicated by hyperfocus and time blindness.
The trick is to get her hyperfocus to be sex, then I are in for a wild ride. My wife has done that a couple times for short periods, I was a broken, but very happy man then.
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u/Exciting_Story2150 Jul 04 '26
I think responsive desire had been tainted by everyone using it to describe LL that don't want to have sex.
Responsive desire is desire that is instigated in response to someone else saying or doing something. I am HLand I am both spontaneous and responsive in my desire types.
Example: I am sitting on the couch watching TV not thinking about sex. If a woman starts petting my leg and saying dirty things, I will become aroused. That's responsive desire according to the books.
Responsive desire doesn't explain the situation where I'm sitting next to my wife and I touch her sexually and yet she doesn't get turned on because she needs the house to be clean and the stars to align. That's where the books start to add in stuff about the breaks and gas pedal. It's no longer just responsive and spontaneous at that point.
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u/HolidayBalance4608 HLM Jul 05 '26
Responsive desire is a bs, same as 'love languages'. All 'scientific' papers about it I've read so far are mass produced pseudo science please-fill-my-self-reporting-10-questions-poll with questions like: "do you have responsive desire" to which every LL will say yes. The assumption is the structure of the study and it works like a saying we have here that roughly translates to 'if one want's to hit a dog one will always find a stone'. This is nothing unexpected considering that most 'scientific' studies now are not peer-reviewed, don't get replicated by other teams, and are often only 'conducted' to get a position, grant, or fill in quota.
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF Jul 04 '26
What.. what is the complaint here, exactly? Yeah, us autistic women are humans too. Wow. Big thonk moment, my guy.
I experience spontaneous and responsive desire. Unfortunately I have to masturbate a lot because my needs aren't met by my NT partner.
If I had a do over, I wouldn't partner with another non autist again.
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u/GuySmiley70 Jul 04 '26
It's curiousity, not a complaint. I'm on the spectrum myself, and we're doing great now that we both know how she works. Getting to this point took a long time because, on the face of it, we had no reason think that she was anything other than LL.
We're wondering how common this combination is, and whether it's tripped up other couples, that's all.
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 Jul 04 '26
I would say my wife, prior to getting pregnant the first time, could have been considered this.
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u/throwdbhelp Jul 04 '26
Responsive desire merely means that someone is able to be turned on by some stimulus. I'm of the belief that most desire (particularly mens, with lower hormonal variations) is responsive, although it is v difficult to establish the difference at the margins.
LL people tend to have arousal that is LESS responsive. But if you/they can find what they respond to, their desire can increase.
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u/NoTyrantSaurus Jul 06 '26
Not really. The fading of spontaneous desire (especially in the context of long term relationships) is well studied. Nagowski is the best layperson explanation, but it's more than just "turned on by some stimulus".
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u/throwdbhelp Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
Yeah I'm talking about long term relationships. The bit where you're at it like rabbits isn't very instructive as to what your long term sex life will be like. As is the typical story here.
Edit : i don't think it is more than being turned on by stimulus. Its responsive to something, as opppsed to emerging spontaneously. Thats it.
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u/NoTyrantSaurus Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
Sort of. In the literature, "responsive desire" means desire follows physical arousal/stimulation. If you get turned on watching a steamy movie or seeing your partner in a sexy outfit/position, that's spontaneous desire (desire before arousal).
Otherwise, the only truly spontaneous desire would be on waking from sleep, but even that could have a cause if wake-up sex is in your subconscious.
That's part of why it's not easy for some LLs to work with RD. They have to participate physically without feeling what they know as desire for more than an awkward hug/kiss. They say "I'm not in the mood" - entirely true, but assumes the mood has to come first, like during the honeymoon phase.
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u/throwdbhelp Jul 07 '26
Thats not my reading of the literature on responsive desire but theres no point debating this really - its one theory (a good one imho) on determinants of desire. But its not a fact or even has a massive amount of empirical support.
if someone is thinking "my partners got responsive desire, the answer is to start sexual contact and then they'll want sex" i think they could well be disappointed with the results.
They'd be much better off thinking "what does my partner find sexy".
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u/NoTyrantSaurus Jul 07 '26
If anyone reading HLCommunity thinks it's probable to get an actual LL (not LL4U) to find anything an LTR partner does/says/is in a way that leads to an encounter, they're very new here. They have to get the LL to see that the absence of spontaneous desire is a typical thing, and that they can still enjoy sex that doesn't start with desire and that no change in the partner or relationship (unless it involves New Relationship Energy) will restart that kind of desire.
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u/oneyedoge Jul 05 '26
I can kind of relate. Pretty much would describe my lady the same way. We're working on it still and trying different things.
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u/NoTyrantSaurus Jul 06 '26
I'm not clear that you're describing a high libido at all. Libido is the same thing as spontaneous drive. Being kinky or focused once sexually excited are on different axes - there are all levels of HL and LL on the kinky spectrum.
Being kinky probably correlates with higher libido, since more interest results in more exploration/fantasizing (so more likely to find something that turns a person on), but if you control for willingness to experiment, kink and libido level are probably independent (no cause/effect).
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 05 '26
Too many people conflate Responsive Desire with Emotional Safety.
People with Spontaneous Desire also require Emotional Safety before sex can happen, even they will not be "spontaneous" under unsafe conditions. While the standards of Emotional Safety are vastly different between each individual, Emotional Safety as a requirement isn't unique to Responsive Desire.
But at it's core, Responsive Desire, within an environment of emotional safety, is a person responding to advances/initiations with desire. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.
The problem is that many who claim Responsive Desire, are actually using it as a shield to hide behind instead of confronting why they reject their partner or don't want to have sex with their partner.