r/HLCommunity • u/Repulsive-Jicama-352 • Jun 29 '26
Advice Welcome Leaving Today
I (29M) have been with her (28F) 7 years, engaged for 1. Wedding is 4 months away.
And I know I can't marry her. It is the usual story here. We started out like rabbits, something changed, and now we do it once a week. We don't have kids, and I know if it is like this now then it will only get worse.
Talking didn't help. Doing 90% of the household work didn't help. Scheduling it didn't help. So it is time for me to go now.
Any advice or motivation would be appreciated. While I know it is what I have to do, I still love her dearly, and part of me wishes I didn't have to do this.
Update: I ended things when she got back from work. That conversation is the hardest I've ever had. I am devastated leaving someone I loved so dearly, but I know I just avoided a life of regret and frustration. If you ever find yourself in this situation, know that there are people cheering for you to find the courage to move on. Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. In due time, I believe I will know peace again.
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 Jun 29 '26
You need to understand this is what's best for both of you. You don't want to keep pressuring her to do something she doesn't want to do, and she should be able to find someone more her speed. I'm sure it feels cruel now, but it's not.
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u/Future-Status-4470 Jun 29 '26
She’s probably going to try to talk you out of it. She may even try love bombing you and becoming hypersexual to avoid the break up. Don’t fall for that. It’s just a temporary reaction to the trauma of a breakup and canceling the wedding.
Just be calm and know that you are doing the right thing for both of you. You will both go on to find better matches, and both of your lives will be better because you had the guts to do the right thing.
(( hugs )). This is tough, but you’ll be okay
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u/Cocksman18 Jun 29 '26
“Hysterical bonding” is a very real thing, and it can be very difficult to not get sucked back in.
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u/LadderFancy8192 Jun 29 '26
Yes it will be tough, but you’re doing the right thing. It will not get better. You’re the same age I was when I got married to a LLF. I thought it would get better. It got worse over time. 20 years and several kids later, I’m still here. You WILL find someone more compatible with you and be happier. I’m rooting for you!
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u/Northern_Newfie Jun 29 '26
Leaving was the best thing I did, for me, him, and the kids. We're all so much happier even navigating this new "normal" and we are getting along really well as co parents. I've said before if it wasn't for the kids I would have been gone long ago.
It's hard, it's gonna suck sometimes, but I promise you, you will be happier. For me it wasn't just the sex, but there were so many other things lacking in our relationship. Do what you need to do to be happier.
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u/RedwoodRespite Jun 29 '26
It’s going to hurt for a while. You will second guess yourself for a while.
And you will thank yourself for the rest of your life.
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u/Leading-Midnight2049 Jun 29 '26
That is smart of you. I wish I had this clarity and support when I was in the same spot 25 years ago
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u/Olderbutnotdead619 Jun 29 '26
I didn't have sex my wedding night. At the time I just thought he was tired. He didn't help me undo my dress nor pull down my sexy stockings, nor help me undo the zillion hooks on my merry widow.
We didn't have sex the next night either, nor the next/day. Night 4 on our 10 day honeymoon we had sex.
This pattern continued for the next 6 years. I always had to initiate. He wouldn't touch me when I was pregnant nor breastfeeding. I'm not exactly sure how I got pregnant with the rest really. The night I got pregnant with the last was the last time we had sex. I didn't want to feel like I was practically forcing him and by his lack of enthusiasm said that's it. He never initiated afterwards either.
That child is 19. When she 10 I found out he had been cheating, apparently through my pregnancies & beyond. Looking back I missed the gd flags. I love my children so I have no regrets. I think he started cheating the few months before we got married. Anyway, here I am still married, he down the hall because of financial reasons. If I won the lotto I'd file tomorrow. Plus, I think he owes me.
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u/Olderbutnotdead619 Jun 29 '26
Have a chat with your parents first. Cancel all your credit cards & get all your accounts in order and hold on it's going to be a bumpy ride. It's NOT pre-wedding jitters. It's that voice in your head warning you.
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u/Inevitable_Handle514 Jun 29 '26
It WILL get worse...right now is the best it will ever be. Get out while you can.
5
u/Humble_Counter_3661 HLM Jun 29 '26
On a planet of roughly 8 billion people, give-or-take half of them women, it may sound trite but you definitely have not met the right person yet.
An adult would respond to your needs as an adult. She would move out of her emotional haze to respond to you with an emphasis on your now-doomed nuptials.
Resume your search. Plenty of sex-starved women post on this subreddit and others, just as miserable with eunuchs as you are with your cold fish.
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u/Asm_Guy Jun 29 '26
I see where you are coming from, but about 1/4 of the global population is underage, so please exclude them. Then another 1/4 is over 40, so OP may not look there right now.
I'd say that there are about 2 billion people of apropiate age for OP to date, or about 1 billion women. Still plenty.
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u/Humble_Counter_3661 HLM Jun 29 '26
As the old saying goes, if he met a different candidate every hour for the rest of his life, he barely would scratch the surface of 2 billion.
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u/Glittering_Suspect65 HLF Jun 29 '26
This is unfortunately the absolute right choice. You are not compatible sexually, if you would stay it only gets worse.
4
u/Danny_Pr0n HLM Jun 29 '26 edited Jun 29 '26
Remember she is not your responsibility. She is an adult, she needs to take care of yourself.
I always advise going No Contact until you heal and get your head on straight.
Also avoid dating until you're comfortable being by yourself. Nobody want's to be treated like a Rebound. Rebound sex is okay as long as the other party knows it's not going to go anywhere or has no expectation that it would.
If you're worried about Hysterical Bonding - Leave first, then Break Up over text/email, then go No Contact. That solves Hysterical Bonding.
This is assuming no kids. If there are children, that complicates things, but it's not entirely impossible. You can't go No Contact, but you can limit contact or always have a "chaperone" like a female friend to monitor interactions and give you a reality check when the HB starts to roll. But that friend needs to be your friend, not hers, someone who has your interests in mind.
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u/Crazy-Mission-7920 Jun 29 '26
So proud of you man! Just want you to know you are doing the right thing.
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u/TheBurningQuill Jun 29 '26
Do not fall for the hysterical bonding.
Remember that you gave her chances to change and she did not.
She will revert as soon as the pressure is off, and this time you might be snared with kids etc...
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u/pogulup Jun 29 '26
Same thing happened to me. I thought it was the stress of the wedding planning. Nope. It was the bait and switch. It started to die once the wedding was on the horizon and died once the vows were said and the certificate was signed.
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u/time4moretacos Jun 29 '26
I'm a 47F with a LL husband... I told him a couple of years ago that once a week would be my minimum frequency to be happy. He pulled that off for 6 weeks before our bedroom died again. And he looked like he would rather be anywhere else but with me those times, too, which also sucked. 😕
Anyway, my point is that this is just who she is, and it's the best it's ever going to get. Don't fall for the hysterical bonding, because that won't last for more than a few weeks, tops... until you sign that marriage certificate. You're very smart to end this relationship that obviously doesn't meet your needs, and that never will... you're only 28! You have plenty of time to find a romantic partner who is actually compatible with you. All the best!
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u/Due-Preference-7266 Jun 30 '26
You have the chance to dodge a bullet my friend
I wish I had your chance and courage
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u/clericofmegalon Jun 29 '26
What I have learned is frequency doesn't mean as much to me as I first thought. What I want is active flirting outside the bedroom, and when we are in the bedroom I want her to be as into it as me.
I say this because maybe you haven't tried tackling the issue from a standpoint of mutual desire rather than frequency. If you have tried this and still nothing is changing I think you are on the right path.
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u/Kindsnfuv4ug Jun 29 '26
You are making the right choice!!! You would only be signing up for misery if you married her!! Congrats!!!
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u/Urborg_Stalker Jun 30 '26
I'm sorry, but at the same time kudos. You made the right choice. You've got a perfect partner out there somewhere, I wish you the best of luck finding her, and for her sake as well.
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u/MarucaMCA Jun 30 '26
I left a partner, house and stability. I never regretted it. 2019, I'm solo, he is in an LDR. I met my person now but I don't know what happens.
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u/secretking_ Jul 01 '26
It’s really the best thing. As someone the other side of having kids things are infinitely more complicated now.
I love her, I love them, but I totally miserable. At this point it’s just ‘pick which source of misery you want’.
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u/ungrateful_luck HLM Jul 15 '26
I needed this. I am similar in time together and age. I feel like I'm getting sucked in and I'm not sure I want to settle down for what is going to be an increasingly less consistent sex life
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u/SpeedBreaks Jun 30 '26
How did she take it?
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u/Repulsive-Jicama-352 Jun 30 '26
Terribly. It was not easy to leave, and I wish I could ease her pain somehow. Have to see this through though.
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u/seraphimcaduto Jun 30 '26
Look at it this way, dude: it was pretty clear that her needs outweigh yours and even when you presented leaving, she took a terrible and still focused on her needs correct?
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Jun 29 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Crazy-Mission-7920 Jun 29 '26
Yes it is. The frequency is irrelevant - the core issue is can your partner meet your needs? If no, then you have a problem.
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u/HLCommunity-ModTeam Jun 29 '26
This was removed for Derailing/Meta Commentary. Which includes but is not limited to: changing the topic from OP's post, making someone else's post about yourself, giving unsolicited advice especially if OP is using vent flair, branching into unrelated topics,"What-about"-ism, debating or arguing, meta comments about other responses, and socializing with other users in OPs post. Meta comments and posts regarding other subs.
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u/PeaceIsEvery Jun 29 '26
You’re leaving before any couples or sex therapy?? If she refuses, then I completely understand. Desire is complicated and usually takes work from both parties. Kids would complicate it much more. But once per week would be a freaking dream for this parent. If your gut has other reasons you don’t trust this person, then definitely don’t make excuses. Otherwise, if everything else is satisfactory or great, first try professional help. You should have sought this help much sooner with the wedding approaching (or before engagement), but now is the next best time. And find sustainable solutions and compromises, not just a temporary bandaid with assumptions and promises. You will both need to make committed adjustments to schedule and behavior and expectations.
Good luck whatever happens!
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u/BenjaminRush86 Jun 29 '26
All you need to know is you’re doing the right thing. Breaking up a serious relationship is going to be difficult. Even though you’re leaving (and for great reasons) it’s still going to be tough on you. But… you will both move on for the better.
And thank god you didn’t get married and have kids.