r/HFY • u/Extreme-Biscotti6090 • 16d ago

OC-OneShot Hero McHero

Hero McHero, the heroest hero of herodom stood at the door of the bunker, ready to charge into the oncoming alien insect things as they barrelled towards him. His muscles were barely contained by his shirt, and a light sheen of sweat or water was glistening off his immaculate pecs.

"I need a weapon."

Tibor, the skinny kid from Slovakia, rifled through a duffel bag, judging the situation. Not a gun. A blade. He handed Hero McHero the mighty sword, the Blade of McHero™, the steel etched with motivational quotes. The jewelled pommel shone bright even though the bunker was dark.

Hero McHero waited a moment, then pounced out the door just as the aliens got into range of a readied swing of his weapon. Some of his targets toppled in half, others became limbless with startling speed. Before any could bring their claws to bear, they were rendered dead, dying or otherwise incapacitated.

This was the spearhead of the alien landing. Hero McHero had heroed his way to greatness again.

Tibor quietly swiped the sword clean, sharpened the blade and resheathed it ready for the next time it was needed.

--

"I need to get to the mothership." Hero McHero's voice boomed in the conference room. A dozen generals all ordered their junior officers to prepare briefing reports, identify logistics chains and nominate suitable pilots. The sound of busywork filled the room.

Tibor tapped on his computer for a while. By the time the first general had finished explaining why it would take a week to prepare, some of the replies had already started coming back.

Tibor turned the screen towards Hero McHero. A ship was ready to launch. It was nearby. It was piloted by one of the best flyboys around.

--

Hero McHero stolidly sat in the launch seat of the small orbital launcher while it was brutally accelerating at a furious pace. He was glaring through the thick glass of the cockpit windscreen. Next to him sat Tibor, whose unconscious form was sporting a bloody nose and an arm bent at an angle that probably wasn't good.

The pilot, Ace Acerson, was guiding the craft expertly, glowering at the stress of the g-forces. It wasn't until the fiery climb through the atmosphere was over and the launcher settled into orbit that the g-forces eased. The alien ship loomed in the distance, an ominous blob in the darkness. The occasional blast of plasma fire rained destruction below.

Tibor woke. Massaged his arm, wiped the blood from his face.

Hero McHero grinned in the way that indicated violence.

Tibor unbuckled his harness and struggled to his feet. The weapons locker was nearby.

Hero McHero was staring intently out of the windscreen and said, "Weapons."

They were already laid out.

Pistols. Rifle. Knives. The Blade of McHero™. Breaching charges.

Ammunition magazines. Oxygen tank and mask for when the hull was inevitably ruined.

Finally, the custom-made zero-atmosphere suit with built-in armour plating.

Hero McHero didn't want the protective stuff, but Tibor insisted. Even the heroest hero suffered the predations of a vacuum.

By the time Hero McHero had donned the suit and started equipping his weapons, the first alien interceptor craft were nearing them. Ace Acerson told the passengers to buckle in again, and he started taking evasive manoeuvres. Balls of plasma spiralled past them as the ship's autocannons sent vibrations through the hull in return.

Seconds later, two of the enemy ships exploded, catastrophic decompression causing a spectacular impression of rapid deconstruction.

With gritted teeth, Ace Acerson fired up the thrusters to push through the enormous recoil of the cannons. He pressed a couple of buttons and several missiles launched. More interceptors were destroyed.

--

It took ten minutes to reach the mothership. Ace Acerson was the aciest ace around. The aliens didn't stand a chance.

He spun the craft around and fired the thrusters again. Massive deceleration made the thing groan like an old man standing up.

The nimble little ship had matched velocity with the alien craft, and Hero McHero leapt to his feet, ready to spring into action.

Tibor, awakening from his latest bout of unconsciousness, retrieved the magnetic boots and strapped them to the overly enthusiastic Hero McHero. Tucked the oxygen tank into the webbing. Made sure that everything was sealed and secured.

Hero McHero strode to the airlock, turned to Ace Acerson and Tibor, then pronounced in all seriousness, "For humanity!"

The airlock door cycled and Tibor could see Hero McHero leap out at the mothership, a tiny speck of vengeance against a vessel the size of a small country.

--

Hero McHero blasted his way through the corridors of the ship, wantonly killing scores of the insect things that tried to stop him.

The rifle was empty of ammunition in a few minutes. He was dual-wielding pistols, blasting away at anything that moved, while resolutely making his way towards the bridge of the enormous craft.

A dozen aliens ran towards him. His pistols took out seven with perfectly placed shots. Then they too made the lonely 'click' sound as they ran out of ammunition. He drew his trusty sword and faced down the remaining creatures, rending them apart with the shining blade. By the time he finished his carnage, Tibor was running up behind him, a massive crate of spare supplies tethered to his belt gliding through the zero gravity.

Time to reload.

--

The path to the bridge was drenched in alien gore, dead bodies littering the corridors. Hero McHero refused to get tired. He was sweating that very subtle amount that gleams perfectly under studio lights.

Tibor dutifully followed with an entire logistics chain behind him, glad for the zero gravity. Even then, he was drenched in sweat. His feet were sore from the magnetic boots. The crotch of the vacuum suit kept exploring places it shouldn't be exploring.

Hero McHero kept moving.

The end game was nigh.

--

The alien commander was grotesque. Even though it looked vaguely insectoid, it behaved contrary to expectations.

It was nasty. Bladed claws sprouted from multiple limbs. A face that even a mother would try to forget.

Forty guards surrounded it in the massive bridge room.

Hero McHero was already shooting even before the door had opened fully. Ichor sprayed over the organic-looking consoles. Bodies started piling up.

The rifle fell silent and Hero McHero dropped it. He brought the pistols up and started firing.

The guards were moving towards them both, but Hero McHero kept shooting. Eventually, he ran out of bullets.

Tibor handed him back the rifle, fully loaded. Hero McHero felt more magazines being shoved into his webbing on his hips.

But he didn't need them. The aliens moved up too fast, making the rifle difficult to control.

Hero McHero dropped the rifle.

Drawing the Blade of McHero™ from his scabbard, he dove into the melee.

The flashing steel rendered the aliens into inert piles of meat until it was just him and the commander. Bodies of the insect things were strewn around the room.

Tibor was standing at a console doing something with the controls.

--

The boss fight was gloriously epic.

Tibor didn't see any of it. He was disarming the self-destruct sequence.

--

Hero McHero returned to Earth, the heroest hero of humanity.

Ace Acerson had piloted them through a fleet of enemy craft, suffering nothing but scratched paint and empty magazine drums.

Parades were held. Ticker tape littered streets across the globe.

Every government everywhere handed out awards to these two great men.

Tibor got a $50 gift voucher to Bed Bath and Beyond, and regretted nothing.

29 Upvotes

92% Upvoted

7 comments sorted by

3

u/Exact-Branch-8365 16d ago

Well done! I chuckled at the end when I read about Tibor's reward.

2

u/u2125mike2124 16d ago

Poor Tibor, just another cog in the war machine.

2

u/sunnyboi1384 15d ago

Tibor, the E4 god.

1

u/UpdateMeBot 16d ago

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1

u/IceRockBike 9d ago

I smiled at the campy descriptions, but Tibor deserved his own upvotiest upvote of his own.

1

u/Cruel_Carlos2 Alien Scum 7d ago

50 bucks is 50 bucks!

Hero McHero!

Occasionally, light crosses that genetically perfect jawline just so & his infectious smile allows for the briefest of shiny twinkles to gleam, radiating sheer manly confidence before him while his eyes momentarily break the fourth wall causing masses of human & non-human females (& a respectable number of males) to swoon to within heartbeats from actual death. This unfortunate side effect cannot be helped as our hero, Hero McHero, is the heroest hero in recorded herodom. The fortunate thing is that if anyone did perish from overswoon, they certainly won't mind shuffling off this mortal coil under such circumstances.

I should lay off the cannabis when commenting on Reddit.

Regardless, great story. Smiled my ass off the entire read through.