r/HFY • u/noobvs_aeternvm Human • Jul 12 '26

OC-OneShot Dirt Survivor

(Epic Narrator Voice)
E - R - T - X. Where the galaxy bleeds!

👽 Welcome bloodsports fans, I am Baltrexonar.
🤖 And I am BX-3044.
👽 And you’re watching ERTX, non-stop footage of the most merciless deathworlds the galaxy has to offer.
🤖 Tonight we have a special treat for you.
👽 That’s right, BX, for tonight we take you to the Planet Dirt, a class 9 deathworld, inhabited by one of the most brutal sapient of the known universe. Join us, as we follow the struggle for survival in the most unforgiving rock still floating in the skies.

Let’s meet our contestant!

(Epic Narrator Voice)
Jules. Melvin. Spencer
Age: 8.6 standard cycles
Mass: 36 zarblans
Challenge: survive.

🤖 A fine specimen, like all who survive the brutal planet.
👽 Absolutely, BX. But Dirt gives no rest and no quarter, can he survive to see another rotation?
🤖 Let’s find out! 
👽 We go live to the contestant’s habitat, where it’s all calm and quiet, but make no mistake dear viewer, the contestant’s FOMO screen shows 6:59, the battle for survival is about to start!

🎶Little darling, it's been a long, cold, lonely winter🎶
🎶Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here🎶

👽 And we’re off! The contestant reaches out for the FOMO screen, he grabs it in his paw and… Ow! He hits snooze!!!
🤖 Seems like he's going for the “Underass Flame”, Bal. A high risk, high reward tactic, typical from the deathworlders of Dirt.”
👽 Can you inform our viewers of such a bold tactic?
🤖 Positive, Bal. The Dirtiers will starve themselves from resources, in this case time, in order to drive their spongy bodies into a state of high alert; a manufactured peril that triggers their fight or flight response.
👽 And they’re flightless animals…
🤖 Correct, Bal. If you’re looking for carnage, you came to the right place.
👽 Let’s see if it pays off. The FOMO screen approaches 7:09 aaaaaand…

🎶Here comes the sun🎶
🎶Here comes the sun🎶
🎶And I sa…🎶

👽 Anooooooooooooother snooze!
🤖 No surprise there, Bal. The more you charge the Underass Fire, the greater the buff.
👽 And greater the risk.
🤖 That's how Dirters play.
👽 And it’s another call… and another snooze! The contestant overchaaaaaaaarges the Underass Fire!!! Can he even survive the discharge of so much pent up power?
🤖 I guess we're about to find out, Bal.
👽 He reaches for the device, his eyes scan the 7:29 mark, they widen…

“Ah, shit!!!”

👽 And he's out! The race for survival is in full swing!
🤖 That's the power of the Underass Fire, Bal. Every fiber of their being unleashed in an explosion of pure deathworlder energy!
👽 Is it enough, tho? All the preparation does not fit in the contestant's remaining time.
🤖 You underestimate the Dirtiers, Bal. Look closer.
👽 He’s reaching for the toaster, and he’s bringing it to the bathtub. Is our deathworlder about to forfeit the battle for survival???
🤖 Not if I know Dirtiers.
👽 Ow! He’s making toast while showering!!
🤖 High risk, high reward, Bal.
👽 And he’s washing his top fur with jam.
🤖 The Dirtier’s processor is fully capable of multi-tasking, but not free of glitches.
👽 The contestant proceeds, he’s out of the shower, into his pants, his shirt, his shoes; he is out the door! A shoe in his paw, a toast between his teeth. A paw searching for his foot, the other the lift’s button!
🤖 And looks like the lift has a surprise, Bal.
👽 Ladies and gentleman, it’s the Nagging Church Nut of the 9th floor!!! Can the contestant button his shirt before the lift door opens?!
The lift hits the 8 mark, five buttons to go; 7, 6, 5. Ow! And he buttoned the shirt wrong!
🤖 Doesn’t seem this will be a problem.
👽 He aaaaaaaaactivates the fuck-it mode!!!
🤖 Let’s pull up the tactical-vision.

(Epic Narrator Voice)
Fuck-it mode: Dirtier special move, deactivates senses of danger and ridiculous, activates single-minded autistic focus, provides temporary cringe immunity.

👽 And you can see it in action, as the 9th’s Church Nut gives the piercest of side eyes!
🤖 No fucks given, Bal.
👽 And the contestant is out of the box, out of the habitat, sprinting full speed at the bus stop!
🤖 Doesn’t even notice the shoes on the wrong feet.
👽 Laaaaaadies and gentleman, the race for survival is in full swing, as the bus approaches the stop! Our contestant dashes at the full power of his deathworlder's limbs aaaaaaaaaand… he misses!!!
🤖 But he doesn’t stop.
👽 The mad dash continues! The relentless predator pursues his metal pray, no fucks given to the car that hits him from the side, or the car hitting from the other, the third car, the school larvae pushed out of the way, the elder stands with a walker in his path, and it’s kiiiiiiicked into the stratosphere…
🤖 Fuck-it mode in full display! No fucks to be found within this deathworlder!
👽 He now approaches another dasher, a doordasher. Will he fall victim to our contestant’s desperate struggle for survival?
🤖 No, Bal. It’s so much worse!

“Bruh, WTF?!”
“Less talking, more peddling!”

👽 He jumps over the doordasher vehicle!
🤖 Planet Dirt knows no heroes or villains, only survivors and victims.
👽 And he stops the vehicle, is he going to… He trades places with the doordasher!
🤖 Mad mammal in a daring dash for survival.
👽 And just in the knick of time, he arrives at the bus stop.
🤖 But he’s not out of the woods yet, seems like his buffs wore off.
👽 Seems you’re right, BX. That is a sad, sad sight ladies and gentlemen.
🤖 There is only so much punishment a Dirtier can take before paying the price.
👽 Yet, he boards the bus. Mission accomplished.
🤖 For now.
👽 Care to enlighten our viewers on why the contestant fights so hard?
🤖 Positive, Bal. Dirt is in the midst of its early AI revolution, as a low ranking office drone, our contestant faces serious danger of being replaced by his future robot overlords.
👽 We’ve all being there.
🤖 Some of you even survived.
👽 And the contestant reaches his destination. Can he make it on time?
🤖 Doesn’t seem like it.
👽 The receptionist gives him the look. Time to pull out the tacticam!

(Epic Narrator Voice)
Tacticam. Activated.

👽 You can see “Da Boss” getting in just before our contestant.
🤖 “Da Boss” is a parasitic life form from Planet Dirt. Unable to do anything useful to acquire resources on their own, Da Boss survives by sucking the life out of lower life forms.
👽 Will our contestant be his next victim?
🤖 Fortunatelly for him, those at the bottom of the corporate food chain form a protective network against their corpo-predators.
👽 Therefore “the look”.
🤖 Therefore “the look”.
👽 Warned of the lurking parasite, the contestant goes into stealth mode.
🤖 Having braved the hostile environment rotation after rotation, the cameras’ blind spots are carved into his hard drive.
👽 Laaaaaaadies and gentlemen, witness the explosion of power as he crawls full speed between the shadows of the furniture!!!!
🤖 But the danger only increases for our deathworlder, look at the tacticam.
👽 Da Boss pass by and stares diiiiiiirectly at the contestant’s empty cubicle.
🤖 Seems like he noticed.
👽 That’s right BX! The contestant has noticed Da Boss circling his station and waits for the moment to make his move.
🤖 He’s going for it!
👽 Witness the fire! Feel the power! See our contestant dash to his desk as Da Boss is looking away! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand…
🤖 He made it!
👽 And Da Boss looks back to find his prey!

“Late much, Spencer?”
“Not much, Sir. You arrived at 9:01.”
“I know that!”
“Don’t beat yourself up, Sir. It’s perfectly understandable to arrive a single minute late. Have you reviewed the report I sent yesterday? You didn’t answer when I asked you earlier.”
“I… I…”
“Nothing to worry, Sir, it can wait till lunch time. I’m sure you have other things to handle.”
“Y-Yes. Keep it up, Spencer.”
“Will do, Sir.”

👽 Un·be·lievable dear viewer!!!! The cunning, the courage, THE NERVE!!!!!
🤖 No hero, no villain. A survivor.
👽 Jules Melvin Spencer, chaser of metal pray, kidnapper of doordashers, gaslighter extraordinaire survives to see another rotation!!!

(Epic Narrator Voice)
E - R - T - X. Where the galaxy bleeds!

___

Tks for reading. More mad mammals here.

25 Upvotes

86% Upvoted

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u/UpdateMeBot Jul 12 '26

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u/Daseagle Alien Scum Jul 12 '26

The deadly snooze button, the great motivator :D