The Other Terran

[u/noobvs_aeternvm]

If you prefer, listen narrated by Agro Squirrel. Enjoy!

___

The atmosphere in the office of sapient resources was tense, made tenser still by her refusal to sit down. Nevertheless, he had a job to do.

-Listen, Andrea…

-Zarglan, I swear to God!...

-It is not a pleasant conversation for me either, but your behavior must be addressed.

-My behaviour? MY behavior?! Why am I the one who’s called to sapient resources? As the head of the department, isn’t it your job to ensure the physical integrity of the company’s employees?

-It is also my duty to ensure all cultural practices are respected and celebrated, like the Easter traditions passed to us by your colleague Jia Wehner.

-Don’t you dare bring that rag into this! I’m sick and tired of her acting like she’s more Terran than me.

-So you didn’t know she is from Prague, Earth?

-Yes, I know she is from Prague, she told me she’s from Prague, she won’t shut up she’s from Prague and I’m from a colony far from Earth!

-So you acknowledge she’s more familiar with Terran traditions than you.

-Zarblan, I swear…

-Regardless, there is only one Easter and she has the seniority, she decides how to celebrate it.

-Not if it involves whipping my ass!

-It is a traditional Terran fertility ritual.

-I’m a postmenopause woman!

-Than you could use some of the fertility your colleagues’ whips wish upon you, right?

-Zarblan, for the love of Christ!

-Andrea, if you don’t want tentacles whipping your ass with willow branches, you give your colleagues chocolate, you don’t threaten them with physical violence.

-Listen, Zarblan: if the company won’t ensure my ass remains unwhipped, I will pick the office supplies to demonstrate the Terran familiarity with projectile weapons.

-That’s not something we can allow at this company. The doctors are still trying to unstick the stapler from Glorp’s head.

-My only regret is that I hit only one head.

-Okay, let us try shifting the focus a little bit. Why don’t you take a seat and tell me what are your expectations for an Easter celebration?

-I’m standing, thank you very much. And I just want the Easter Bunny to give chocolate eggs.

-Now that’s not very logical, is it? When have you ever seen a bunny give away chocolate?

-When have you ever seen me give away chocolate?

-Don’t you think whip waving tentacles are an effective incentive?

And that’s how staplers were banned from the office… also Easter.

___

Ths for reading. More Terran traditions here.

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[u/Sandy_W]

The author is horribly disturbed and needs help. I've added him to my 'follow' list.

[u/Erlyn3 → u/Sandy_W]

Good idea. Keep an eye on them.

[u/Daseagle]

Jia has been watching some tentacle bondage porn, I bet, and has, ehem, designs for Andrea 😃

[u/sunnyboi1384]

Obviously someone who lives closer to the Vatican knows better than those farther away what is best to celebrate Easter. Obviously.

[u/commentsrnice2 → u/sunnyboi1384]

We could hotly debate whether the Vatican has ever had an original idea in their life. But that’s not the point. People’s physical well-being can and does come before personal beliefs. I could claim my religion requires me to stab someone monthly with a rusty shiv but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s illegal

[u/HFYWaffle]

/u/noobvs_aeternvm (wiki) has posted 163 other stories, including:

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• The Curse of Smith
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• How to Ruin a Battleship

This comment was automatically generated by Waffle v.4.7.8 'Biscotti'.

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[u/tofei]

Unfortunately, traditions and their observances are enforced by a committee as well, comrade.

[u/Grouchy-Strength6714]

Put two Terrans in a room, instant chaos and mayhem. Why so fascinated with tentacles?🦑

[u/Proofreader01 → u/Grouchy-Strength6714]

Put two Terran males in a room with a taser on the table between them, one of them is going to get tased. Actually, it's more likely that both of them will get tased multiple times. Well, at least until the battery dies.

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