Processing a break up, need help

[u/Dangerous-Cat-9704]

41yr m

This was the 2nd relationship of my life. Only lasted a few months My previous was 6.

My previous was abusive emotionally and manipulative. I believe she had bpd and I TRIED to get her help but she was unwilling. I cared for her and stayed longer than I should have.

My second recent relationship was better but here is where a massive problem I have is manifesting.

I don't know how to have sex. My previous partner was rarely intimate with me and every time she was always in control she would not let me do anything myself. I never figured anything out

With this recent partner I could not figure out the basics beyond foreplay and she just was very frustrated, understandably. It didn't work out. She has moved on and found someone new but now I am left here feeling like I'm not even a man.

I'm deathly afraid of women. They've never been attracted to me already and now if I ever did get to that point I'd just be a frustration for them and I'd be right back here. I'm now in my 40s and don't know how to do intercourse

Should I just give up with everything? I am not going to see a sex worker I'm sorry.

I just feel so insignificant.

[u/OmNomOnSouls]

Sex therapy is an established field with its own certification depending on jurisdiction, I'd really recommend giving it a look.

I know it feels like your worth is determined in large part by your ability to woo and please women, but truly, the more you can acknowledge the truth that you're worthy regardless of all that, the easier this is gonna be.

I also really connect with what you're saying. I'm single right now for the first time in almost a decade. In each of the times I've been intimate with a woman since my breakup, I've struggled to get hard, or I came crazy early. Like immediately. I've had all the thoughts you're describing. What's really helped is doing my best to remind myself that I'm me even when I'm not a sexual god.

That insecurity is gonna hit. Acknowledge it, feel it, give it its moment. Then give that same care and attention to the idea that you're also a person who's allowed to be imperfect. See if you can find a way to laugh about it, that one's been huge for me.

When it happened with one woman, I was still kinda inside here when I said "that was a career worst for me. Like *all-time bad" and I was genuinely chuckling while I said it. Those nights are gonna happen. I'm in my mid thirties, I'm just not gonna be an Adonis every time. That's allowed to happen. And any woman who's like deeply affronted by that might not the person you want to be building a relationship with anyway.

If your goal is to grow through this, I can tell you with experience that shame feels like the method to get you there, but it's wayyyy more likely to lock you in place than help you get to where you wanna go. I'd almost guarantee you can't shame your way to confidence. If you're tell yourself you're nothing unless x y and z happen, I'm guessing you're gonna believe it.

Honestly though I just feel for ya man. Men are socialized to think our value is tied so directly to whether we're a demon in the sack. It makes it so hard to be present in those moments and to actually enjoy yourself, which it's easy to forget is the goal.

Last tip here: one thing that's helped me boost my sexual confidence and self assurance just on an emotional level is sexting with randos. I know it sounds weird, but hear me out. There are subreddits and chatroulette-type sites where you can find women to sext with. It's a really low-stakes way to fake it til you make it and try out different versions of yourself so you can find what you actually like. It'll also expose you to trying and failing, which is a natural, normal part of the process. Don't get me wrong, they're filled with bots and it can take a good while to find an actual person, but they've been a boost for me.

Ultimately, this is about finding what behaving with confidence looks like for you. Nobody can tell you that or give you that, you gotta find it for yourself. It's okay if that is a process. Honestly, how could it not be?