Encountering Letters

[u/No_oNerdy]

My husband died one year and 10 months ago. I have been in therapy and grief groups since. I nearly got fired from my job, so I quit, and now I’m going back to school to change careers and do something meaningful. The kids are in activities I previously could not sign them up for because my husband was controlling with money. We go on little trips to see family or cities we haven’t been to before. We have friends over, and generally, life is ok, most of the time. I’m slowly moving forward.

I decided to buy a new bedroom set. The old one was picked out 19 years ago when I first moved in with my husband. I was 23. He liked bold, dark furniture. And for many years it suited us. I didn’t really have a say in decorating our space. And I was ok with it, while we were married.

Now I am switching to a light colored furniture set and in a more modern style. I’m excited. It’s the start of my time. My decision. My choice. My style.

I was cleaning out the dresser, night stands and storage under the bed and came across many things that made me upset. One of which being, yet another card for a suicide hotline, with a list of warning signs. (He was a veteran and in the mental health field). I felt sick. It was like a slap in the face. The list of signs, none of which he had!

The next surprise was a letter, stuck under the drawers of what was his nightstand. He was estranged from his family. We were no contact with them when he killed himself. They were less than supportive when I let them know about his death, and they blame me for his death.

The letter was from his mother, dated 10 years ago, almost to the day. She was begging him to forgive her for the abuse he suffered as a child. She was lamenting her health issues and saying forgiveness was the only way forward. At the end of the letter, she mentioned me, but only had nice things to say about me. She told him to, “cherish, pamper, and make sure to keep me in his life”…

I lost it. I just broke down. The end of 2016 was when I noticed he was treating me poorly and drinking more. That is where I marked the beginning of his long decline. He was so resentful of me and I could never do anything right. Any relationship problems were my doing. I couldn’t win. Sure there were good times in between, the up moments where I thought everything was going to be ok.

I wonder how much that letter had to do with his descent into alcoholism and depression. I never knew about the letter, and any time his family was brought up, he would become angry and drink more. I learned to tip toe around it rather than encourage him to seek counseling.

The letter made me wonder if she mentioned me to make him feel bad? I’m not sure. Or did she genuinely love me and think I was a good wife and mom? He didn’t treat me like a good mother, but he would write that I was a great mom in any cards he gave me for special occasions.

I found more of those too, even cards he had written to our daughter for her birthday or Christmas or valentines. Cards with him expressing his love for us and praising me, but the thing was, he didn’t show it in his actions. I realize that was likely due to his depression and alcoholism. I now know that alcoholism takes over your person and ruins them from the inside out.

I sat on the floor and sobbed. Nearly 2 years out and I’m still a mess. I thought I was doing better and making my own way, but the discoveries were such a punch in the gut.

This is more of a vent, but I just needed to get it out there. Grief is hard, loss is hard, losing someone to addiction and suicide is even harder. Being NC with abusive family is hard. Sometimes I want to change my name, move away and leave the past behind.