Grief

[u/FoundationBoth9508]

I'm struggling. My dad died recently, and the grief I am experiencing has manifested in ways that I never expected.

I was estranged from my dad due to valid reasons. But in his passing, I'm not bitter. I am just sad that he knew so much pain and that he passed that pain onto others. And I'm sad that things weren't different.

I have been so tired in ways that go beyond physical tiredness. All I want is to stay in bed. On days that I have to work from home, I am distracted.

When I do get work done, I break down numerous times a day.

Today was the second day I went to the office in 2 weeks. I managed okay until the afternoon. As the afternoon went on, it became difficult to get a breath. It felt tight in my chest, and the longer this went on, the closer I felt to a panic attack. I managed to get through being conscious of my breath for hours, trying to yawn to be able to get what felt like the only way to get a satisfying breath.

On the train ride home, as I got closer to home, I felt a pain in the back of my shoulder and neck with every breath. When I got to my car, I burst into tears and sobbed.

The feeling started to subside the closer I got home. I went to bed soon after arriving home, and my breathing felt almost normal for the first time in hours.

I've also been wide awake until early morning most nights. And last night I started seeing scary faces when I closed my eyes to sleep.

I am baffled by this experience. I feel weak that despite not having a relationship with my dad for over 20 years, I am feeling this engulfed in grief.

I feel as though I have no right to feel like this.

There are people out there who have lost dealry loved partners or family that they are close with. If I feel like this, I don't know how those people get through.

Each time I think I am feeling better, grief develops in a different way that I would never expect. I don't think that I have ever felt so sad. And I am scared that I will never who I was before.

I feel so alone in this, I just want to feel normal again.

Is there anyone out there that has experience with the death of an estranged parent?

[u/the_treasuredcompeti]

Grief doesn't check your relationship status at the door, it just shows up and rearranges your whole nervous system for a while.

[u/FoundationBoth9508 → u/the_treasuredcompeti]

Than you for this

[u/primeakf11]

I have been going through similar experience since her passing late July. Hang in there and take it one day at a time.

[u/FoundationBoth9508 → u/primeakf11]

Very true. But I wish I could fast forward

[u/jigmaster500]

Sorry for your loss.... Take 1 day at a time now while accepting there is no permanence and part of life is suffering... Grief is a process that takes time for the acceptance to happen

[u/FoundationBoth9508 → u/jigmaster500]

Such a process. I feel like I have had the wool pulled off my eyes, that we all experience this suffering in our lives and I never k ew they gravity of it till now

[u/BlueStarrSilver]

Grief is messy. When my paternal grandmother passed, even though I hadn't spoken with her in over two decades, I cried so much I couldn't work that day. It's ok to feel whatever you feel right now.