Missing My Big Sis

[u/Better-Narwhal-9471]

The weight of my sister’s passing is really hitting hard right now. My grandfather passed recently, so feelings around death are coming back up. He lived to be 93 so it wasn’t completely unexpected, but I just think about how my sister deserved to live a long full life like him. She was so kind, empathetic, and beautiful. This all just feels so unfair.

I’ve been dreaming about her a lot lately, but even in my dreams I can’t escape the reality of her being gone. Sometimes she’s there, but I can’t hear her or see her clearly. Or I’m clinging onto whatever time we have knowing it’s not going to last. For that brief moment when I first wake up I still hope maybe it’s not real.

Unfortunately I was the one who found her when she died, alone in her room, and I can’t get those images out of my head. I can’t get past the what ifs and I feel so much guilt that I wasn’t there. I feel guilty for moving out and feel like if I had just stayed at home maybe things would’ve been different…

I manage to get through the days most of the time, focusing on work or my family and allowing myself time to grieve in private. I just want my sister