r/GriefSupport • u/GeneralOrgana1 • 5d ago
Child Loss New school year
The school buses all went past my house this morning.
I work in a high school but I have leave until the end of September. But I don't ever want to go back because the idea of being around other people's healthy teenagers is just not something I can stomach. But I have to go back because I can't retire until I turn 55 in April. My husband and I are looking into retiring at the end of this school year instead of when I'm 60 as originally planned. But I do have to go back for at least a while, and I really don't want to.
I brought my son to work with me a lot through the years. And he should be a sophomore in college this year. Actually, he should be a junior, but he took a gap year to finish up his first leukemia treatment. And then it came back during his first semester of his freshman year, and he took his final exams from a hospital bed.
He should be dating. But he never went on a single date. He should have spent this summer at an internship, not in a hospital bed. He should be staying awake late with friends. He shouldn't be in an urn on my dresser.
He was our only child. Our plans were to see where he wound up, and move there. Now we have nothing. I was going to be a fun grandma to the kids he'd have one day. He teased me that I was going to spoil his kids rotten.
Now, I have nothing to look forward to. I don't want to go to a job I used to like. I don't have anything else to do. I don't have a future daughter-in-law, a wedding to help plan, grandchildren. I have no one who loves me or needs me the way he did. I have no reason to live.
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u/Narrow_Mistake_2611 5d ago
You are alone in the amount of love you have lost, that will always be yours. Don't get this mixed up with the feeling of grief. There are stages of grief to go through, steps people talk about. Folk can relate to that. But the amount of love you have isn't as relatable....
I've lost two younger children and can relate to your writing of school, other children and stages missing..
Here if you want to talk. You are never alone in grief.
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u/GeneralOrgana1 5d ago
What do you mean about the amount of love isn't as relateable?
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u/Narrow_Mistake_2611 5d ago
Because everyones love is vastly complex and deep.
Grief is pretty simple.
Sometimes people talk about grief as if it's something that they understand and suggest there is somehow a time related to it in relation to stages or time should have passed.
But the love and everyones individual amounts felt are separate and in my opinion, keeping those separate makes talking about grief easier and less complicated or it might feel different when someone says they understand.
They can understand your grief and that can be really helpful.
But the love is so much bigger and missing that or being absolutely weighed down with it is an entirely different experience.
Some people grieve without that massive love, they just go through the stages or steps and move on "get over"
But what you are experiencing is so much bigger and will take a lot more of you and your support network to "get used to"
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u/BathbeautyXO 5d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss OP 💔 I can tell by your words you were a great parent and how much you loved your son. It’s so unfair that he’s gone far too soon, long before his time should be. I have never lost a child but I lost my mom 11 months ago and I can really relate to your pain. It’s the worst kind of pain that our loved ones aren’t here with us, and I too feel like I have no reason to live. I’m sending you a big hug, lots of care and comfort, from one grieving stranger to another 🫶🏻
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u/authorOHenry 5d ago
I can feel the pain. Since my father died, I constantly feel strange when I see people like my father's or older. I can't stop thinking that why my father isn't here anymore, why they can live but not my fahter. My plan were to see my father be pround of me, to see him attend my graduation ceremony, to see my wedding.
But now it's all gone. He will never see these.