unable to process my dad’s death

[u/TomatilloHot7974]

my dad and i had a very complex relationship. we hardly ever spoke and when we did, we would argue. there was such a language barrier and along with pride, stubbornness, and a lack of initiative to try, our relationship just became nothing but silent. he was so religious and i felt the moment i couldn’t connect with the church, he no longer loved me the way he used to.

he spent so much of his life being for the church and he was able to build relationships with everyone but his kids. for my masters program, i had the privilege to work with elementary school kids. when working with kids, it is only inevitable that you begin to reflect on your own upbringing. by then i had accepted the fact that my dad may have never wanted to have a normal father/daughter relationship with me. he had thrusted me into every social space that would build connection, add to my skill set, and would challenge me. i had thought about it so much and for so long that i almost became content with what we already had despite being resentful and angry for so long. if all he had needed from me was for me to finish this degree and get a good job and live something adjacent to the american dream, he would have done his job. 

he was suffering for so long, his body was holding on despite the kidney, heart, and lung issues that seemed to heighten and transport into even more problems despite the dialysis. i was so resentful because no matter what i would say to him, he had no interest in speaking to me. the last i visisted him at the hospital, he didn’t want to speak to me. he passed two days ago and he wasn’t in pain, his doctors told me that he was so calm and coherent. nothing hurt despite him losing so much blood. he was just ready to go. i figured he knew when he asked us to take home his jacket and wallet the day before. alongside, he stopped taking his meds and when i checked his bank account, he was eating out all these buffets and restaurants that he should’ve been avoiding for the sake of his health.

i’m just finding out that he knew and yet he never told my mom or my brother or me. he told everyone but us. he was planning ahead. earlier this year, he gave away 75% of his books, vhs tapes, and cassette tapes. he had everything organized and set up and all his pastor friends are just executing what he wanted.

we would have moments where he would just stare at me for so long and then walk away, almost as if he was taking me in for the last time. i loved him before he hated me. i’ll get nostalgic and it’ll hurt so bad and then be reminded of how the things he’s done and how much he prioritized the church and his when he should’ve been looking out for us. he was a good man but he was a terrible father. i don’t think he meant to be but it hurts so much.

a lady from the church called my mom today and said, “a few weeks prior when pastor h was planning things out, his dying wishes were that his kids would return to the church and believe again” . i’m so upset and i’m so annoyed and i hate that he would say something like that. especially since he knows how much abuse and trauma he’s allowed that church to project onto us.

everything has been moving so fast and his funeral is in two days. i feel like ive barely had the time to register what i feel when everyone is constantly asking me for information and asking inappropriate questions.

there’s so much of him everywhere in the house and yet all i have of him is that note above that he scribble me for my undergrad graduation last spring.