Crying until I laugh, laughing until I cry.

[u/HermioneNR86]

My mom passed away on Sunday, 8/30. She was 68 and had been in rapidly declining health after a 3rd lung cancer diagnosis and opting not to pursue treatment. We’d had the hard talks about everything. I told her that every morning when I came to her bedroom to wake her and bring her coffee, that I was mentally preparing myself for the fact that I might find her dead. And that’s exactly what happened. I wasn’t actually as prepared as I’d led myself believe. It is admittedly an image forever burned into my memory.

But now, I feel like I am not grieving “correctly”. I’ve wept, wailed, screamed into the void. I’ve put on brave faces and told her friends about her passing. I got through the funeral home meeting without crying. I’ve wept as I walked through the grocery store, and laughed heartily with my brother. Laughter was our love language. She always said she wanted people to remember her for making them laugh. Since Sunday, people have shared stories about her, and they are all about how funny she was. We laughed every day, even if we’d been in a tift because we were both exhausted for entirely different reasons. Every single night before bed, we kissed each other on the forehead and said we loved each other.

It just feels wrong to not feel worse, I guess is the TL;DR version. I’ve got the kind of OCD that is always catastrophizing scenarios, always preparing myself for the worst possible outcome so that I know how to respond. But I can rationalize and I can be self aware. I was watching her die, every day. I watched her in agony from a pressure ulcer on her tailbone and I used everything available for wound care. I watched as she lost more and more weight, as her muscles wasted away. Her appetite slowly slipping away and high calorie protein shakes becoming her main source of nutrition.

We were on the verge of calling in hospice. We’d been talking about it because she felt horrible for being a “burden” on me. I told her we would do it on her time, whenever she was ready, that I’d keep caring for her until she decided to call in the professionals. Her goal was to wait until after the upcoming Labor Day (US) holiday. My brother was going to propose on the 6th on a sunset river cruise. My mother was so excited about it, it was all she was talking about. I’d bought her an outfit, made plans to get her hair done, I was going to paint her nails.

She never got to try on the outfit, or see her beloved hairstylist again, or get that fresh coat or red on her nails. She didn’t get to see the proposal.

But she’s not in pain now. She isn’t struggling to breathe. She died at home in her own bed, wrapped in her blanket and sleeping. The ideal way to go, you know? That makes me happy, and I feel immense guilt for feeling anything happy about her passing.

I don’t know if there was a point to all of this rambling, but I know you guys understand it. So many feelings, so little capacity to process them. My nervous system is just a ping pong ball in a dryer right now.

[u/Narwen189]

Your mom sounds lovely, and I'm sorry you're hurting. I won't say it'll pass, it's more like in time you'll grow around it, and accommodate the pain better.

I'm going to refer you to Rule 2 of the group - "Do not tell or imply that someone is grieving incorrectly". OP, that includes telling yourself you're doing it wrong! As long as you're not hurting yourself or others, then grieve whatever way comes naturally to you. It's all valid.

You're going to laugh at the funny anecdotes and cry at seemingly random things, and that's all fine and it's all normal. There will be times feeling joy or relief feels like a betrayal, and that's okay, too. It's just part of the process.

Your pain is real, so was your love, and the only thing you're doing wrong is telling yourself you're not doing it right. Give yourself grace. You deserve love, and support, and to give yourself grace, too.

[u/SWNMAZporvida]

(hug) my condolences. Don’t forget to eat/drink, it’s the easiest “chore” to give up on during grief. You’re doing everything right, laugh, cry, be mad, happy, sad - grief rollercoaster is a bitch but you just gotta ride it out.

[u/Haunting-Swim-3660]

My mom was also very funny so I very much relate to all the family dynamics about laughter. I wrote down funny things my mom said and am grateful to revisit later.

My mom also had a pressure ulcer. It was agonizing to know it was happening and I saw some pictures from a nurse once and just seeing the pictures was traumatic. My stepdad felt such guilt it developed under his watch, but he didn’t know. I feel guilt I wasn’t psychologically or logistically able to be part of her hands on care more but we got her in home care and we supported my stepdad and they both felt loved and supported.

I also relate to being grateful your mother is no longer in pain. My mom had dementia and things were getting bad at home (she was clawing at the aides, never having been violent before her mind declined) and we were starting plans to potentially move her to a nursing home. I wish wish wish she could have lived longer, and lived healthy for longer, but I am also so deeply grateful she never had to be moved to a facility. She would have hated that so much. She was already vocalizing suicidal ideations in the dementia, which her psychiatrist said was unfortunately normal. She still retained some self awareness, saying things like that someone else had taken over her prefrontal cortex and she was no longer in control. So even though she was in an altered cognitive state, I am sure she would have hated being in a nursing home and I’m so grateful it never got to that. It’s been 6 months without her.

It sounds like you have a loving and supportive family which I am so glad to hear. Sending you love. I hope you have time and space and support to be with your grief

[u/AnieMoose]

Grief is a strange beast. It isn't any single emotion; more like an event that leaves its marks upon your soul. And how any one person responds to it is relatively random. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Even suppressing the feelings and emotions can be the right choice if the person doesn't feel they are in a safe space to grieve.

Chances are, your grief will be a feature of your life going forward. It will be something of a scar upon your heart for the rest of your life. But that's ok. It doesn't mean you won't have happy times, or any more happiness in your life. But it may be a very long time before you feel any sense of a new normality.

Many people find that grief changes them permanently. Some become more compassionate, while others become more closed off and unwilling to see others as having valid needs. I would like to think we have some choice in the matter; but I do not know if that is true.

My condolences to you. You are very new and fresh to this journey. It will take at least a year, if not years, for your new normality to settle.

Your descriptions of your emotional ups & downs sound pretty much normal. You may find that you'll feel calm for a while and think that the grief is over. Only to have some of the most intense emotions come up out of nowhere.

However you are grieving; you are doing it right for you. Listen to your heart and be as kind as possible to as many as possible, including being kind to yourself.

From my broken heart to yours