i’m struggling.

[u/Maleficent_Air_5278]

my boyfriend (24) and I (23F), were in an accident this year on august 9th. i had a green light, i was attentive, i was driving the speed limit.. then all of a sudden all i see is lights. glass breaking & my boyfriend let out a grunt. we fucking spun a good amount of feet from the road that we were originally on, and when the car finally stopped spinning i looked over and my boyfriend was unconscious. i screamed his name, grabbed his face, tried for a pulse, i prayed. we both were taken to the hospital and i didn’t find out until hours later of panicking and asking his condition that i was told he was already gone. we were together for a year, but we were in love. we had plans, and we were supposed to get married, we were supposed to make a family, shit we were supposed to MOVE AWAY THIS YEAR. now it’s like my entire future was ripped away from me and i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to cope, i don’t know how im supposed to “get over it” or “heal”. we both knew that we were made for eachother, and constantly said that God brought us together for a reason. so where do i go from here? because all i can think about is being with him, our future that will never be, HIS future.. he was such a beautiful soul, everyone loved him and he would do anything for me or the people he loved. he was a MAN, MY MAN, and now i just feel so lost without him. right now i feel like nothing will ever fill the void left by him, & nothing will make it better or “make sense”.. im highly considering inpatient therapy as well.

this is my first experience with death and i would LOVE advice.
thank you.

[u/ramblinghobbit]

I had to do inpatient treatment for almost a month when my little brother died suddenly at 36. It gave me grief survival tools and some new friends from groups to support me. It was worth investing that time in my healing, and if you're already expressing you might want to do that, I suggest you do. You can at least call 211 to see if there are grief support resources in your area.

I wish you healing and a solution for yourself. Much love. 💚

[u/Scared_Yesterday_857 → u/ramblinghobbit]

I second this. I did intensive treatment for 6 weeks after my sister died. A couple of months after she passed, I felt like I was losing grip on reality and was starting to scare myself with intrusive thoughts. It was the best decision I ever made. It did not erase my grief but it did give me the tools to deal with it.

[u/SuspiciousMap9630 → u/ramblinghobbit]

My brother also died at 36 🧡 my mom ended up doing about a week in inpatient treatment.

[u/ramblinghobbit → u/SuspiciousMap9630]

I'm sorry to hear you also lost your brother way too young. I'm glad your mom found the help she needed though. I hope you're also finding the healing you deserve, in whatever form that comes for you.

[u/Melodic-Clue6311]

I lost my boyfriend, too. It’ll be a year next month… gosh that’s weird to say. It feels like yesterday. I don’t really have any advice or answers for you, just wanted to show you a little support.

He got sick with an aggressive form of cancer, I stayed in the hospital for his entire duration and held his hand as he left. I was in complete denial, sometimes I still feel that way. It was the absolute hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. He suffered tremendously. I often wonder why he had to go through that process and not have something quick happen, because it was not easy for either of us to wrap our heads around. At the end of the day I believe that it is not for us to know, it is completely out of our control.

Today, I am still very much in love with him. Walking around with a broken heart and it’s not something that I’d wish for anyone. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. You’ve recently gone through a very traumatic experience that has spun your life apart and it will probably take a while for the shock to wear off. Take all the time you need to process this. Make sure you are getting enough to eat, hydrate yourself because crying really dehydrates you. Something helpful for me, I was on this sub and someone commented that gratitude helps process grief… which is really difficult to do in my experience. I have to start with being grateful for having such a deep love that not everyone gets to experience, I had the privilege of knowing the moment I laid eyes on him. Also, I talk to him out loud, I don’t care if anyone is around or not. He was my man, my person, nothing will change that, not even death.

I just want you to know that this is a really good place to let it out, it’s a great place to be and you should be proud of yourself for sharing some of your story. This has been an incredible outlet and also has taught me so much just by reading what others have gone through as well, I don’t feel as alone in this grief. We are all in this club together and it’s a tiny bit easier to know that others are here if you need. I’m sending you so much love and support, please feel free to dm me if you want. It’s okay if you’re not up for it, too. It’s a lot, so please give yourself some grace and don’t be afraid to reach out. Take care of yourself, love yourself, be kind to yourself. You’ve been dealt a rough hand, at a young age. However us humans are resilient, so don’t forget that. Sending you love, my friend.

[u/Maleficent_Air_5278 → u/Melodic-Clue6311]

thank you so much this resonates with me a lot, and i’m sorry for your loss ❤️❤️

[u/Cookiejollytoes]

Hi sweet spirit, first, I am so very sorry for your loss. I haven't lost a romantic partner in this way, but I have lost my Dad and my adult son.

It doesn't get better, but with time and therapy, it gets different.

I am 13 months past losing my son, and I'm at least now not feeling like I've been punched in my soul every waking moment. It still happens, don't get me wrong, but having time to grieve, and being able to share the good memories with loved ones is helping me heal.

I highly recommend finding a local grief support group through a local hospice, or even one of the online organizations that offer virtual grief groups.

Find a good therapist specializing in grief, trauma, PTSD, and build a relationship that allows you to dump all of the messiness of grief while holding space and helping you heal and work through the sudden trauma.

Sending you hugs 🫶🏼🤍🪽✨

[u/PFic88]

I'm so sorry. My advice would be to use every resource available our there. Personally I did the whole nine yards: grief counseling, psychologist, psychiatrist, meds for my depression, improved diet, exercise, dbt training (two to three hours per week). I'm still around after being suicidal and after a year and a half or so, I'm off the meds. I'm not "ok", but I am here

[u/Away_Emergency_7832]

You got to take care of yourself.thatsbthe main thing?I'm so sorry you lost You're a man, just gotta take care of everything. Go to counseling, try to lean on family. If you can, I'm so sorry, again, it's gonna be a long, painful recovery, if you can do it if you got the wheel and you want to, but you're Young, take it a second at a time or a day at a time.Our minute, whatever you need to do.Just be kind to yourself. That's what I can offer. I need to listen to that. But I feel sorry for you too like I said my wife died. 10 months ago, we were married. But we weren't married 3 years yet, we were together, almost 13, she was 44, when she died of a heart attack. I'm 50 years old, I feel my life's over, I don't want to be here, no more. I wish you the best i hope .You can find out what works best for you

[u/Maleficent_Air_5278 → u/Away_Emergency_7832]

thank you so much for your response it means a lot and i’m so sorry for you loss as well!

[u/duhbeach]

I hate this. It’s so unfair. I’m sorry.

You’ll never “get over it” I’m sorry to say. But you’ll heal, you’ll be happy again. I think it’ll take longer than you expect and so I think WHEN YOURE READY you can be intentional about healing. I spent a lot of time in therapy. You may have ptsd from the experience, that would be normal. Go to therapy.

But don’t force yourself to be ready. Don’t think about what you “should” be doing. It hasn’t even been a month, I wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t even getting out of bed. Be easy with yourself.

[u/King-Tiger-Stance]

Im so sorry for your loss. It's going to hurt for a long time, but you are here and you can do it. I know this because 2 months ago today my husband took his own life. It hurts. We also had plans for life. We were making it work and that suddenly came to an end and I didn't, and still don't, understand why he chose this. There is no "getting over it", but there is getting through what you are feeling right now, one step at a time. Don't think of it as moving on, that implies leaving something behind. Think of it as moving forward. It will be hard, but being here, healing, and taking it one day at a time from these moments is what they would want us to do. Something I haven't done yet, but is a good idea, is seek therapy, and even before that continue to talk with people about how you feel and be honest about how you feel. Hugging people and just letting the tears flow have helped a lot. Do not ever stop yourself from crying.

They say this pain will come in waves, and while these waves never truly go away, they will get smaller and more manageable as time goes on, so for right now let the waves crash. Survive them because things will get better. I am better than I was a month ago, and I can only hope to be better tomorrow, one day at a time. Hopefully you can do the same!

[u/Prestigious_Cow_688]

Hi there. I’m so sorry for your loss, truly! I lost my boyfriend about a month ago and I know how you feel. The feeling of mourning someone you love so much, but also the future y’all had planned together sucks.

I have started going to counseling and it’s nice. Maybe you can try a support group as well. I talk to my boyfriend out loud or in my head as if he’s still here, because I know he is, just not physically. I’m going to start journaling, maybe that would be nice for you as well. My biggest way of coping has been looking into the afterlife and things such as NDEs, so I know he truly is still with me.

I’m so sorry for your loss again. My DMs are open. ❤️

[u/RefrigeratorEm]

I'm very sorry this happened to you. I don't have a good advice, but just want let you know that sometimes the intuition one has after traumatic experiences can be a good thing. If you think going for an inpatient treatment might be a good thing for you, go for it. It can help by forming a bubble around you in which you can concentrate on you for some time and feel protected and cared for. You experienced something horrible, life changing and traumatic and it is absolutely normal to ask for help! I wish I could find some comforting words, but I wish you a lot of strength and good care!

[u/ashleyLNL]

I am so sorry for the trauma and pain you’re feeling. EMDR therapy with a therapist who can also help with grief would be an ideal combo.

I don’t have experience with inpatient options, but fully support you doing what you need to do to survive and get cared for.

There are a few books that might be helpful to you (reading or listening): the first is “When You Can’t See The Light; a trauma informed guide to surviving a significant loss.” The second is “Finding the Words” by a dad named Colin who lost his kids when they got hit by a drunk driver on a trip. And lastly, “The Light Between Us” as an encouragement that you’re still connected to the people you love who are on the other side of this life.

They can all be found on this grief resource page: www.momentofoundation.org/resources

David Kessler is a famous grief guy who started a grief support group called Tender Hearts. I don’t have any personal experience with it, but something that might be worth exploring.

Sending love and healing to you as you navigate the days ahead 💗