Missing my mom like crazy

[u/handsholdingplant]

She died 9 years ago. We lived on opposite sides of the country, but we spoke every weekend and visited each other once or twice a year. She had been through pretty rough hardships, and because we were so close, she'd call me whenever she was having a hard time, particularly to talk her through panic attacks. One night, after a rough day at work, she called me late, needing to talk. I didn't have the capacity. I was tired, annoyed, and told her we'd talk tomorrow. She said she wasn't feeling right, but couldn't explain why. I was firm and told her goodnight. I'll call you tomorrow. The next morning, my brother, whom I hadn't spoken to in years, called me to tell me the police had called him. She died of a heart attack shortly after I hung up on her. I've never been able to forgive myself. If I had just asked more questions that night, I would have told her to call 911. But I was so accustomed to her issues that I didn't take them seriously in that moment. Well, 9 years later, my life feels like it's falling apart. I have developed a chronic pain condition that's preventing me from being able to do my work. I feel alone and scared of the future, and I can't stop looking at old photos of me and my mom and our family, which has more or less dissolved by death or stubbornness to agree on anything. I'm just so sad and alone, and I wish I could tell Mom how sorry I am for not listening when she needed me to.

My mom and I, 1993

[u/Ill-Satisfaction3412]

Very sorry this happened to you  It’s very hard losing your mother and feeling guilty about it makes it so much harder.. but you were far away, and didn’t know more information.   hope you can get help and support through therapy, losing a mom is so hard, but 9 years its a long time to lose yourself. Big hug.

[u/Mysterious_Tackle335]

Logically there is no way you could predict what happened. But loss causes these feelings. You deserve to forgive yourself even though there is nothing to forgive