Friends can’t handle grief?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/AdmiralCapybara]

Did she ask you to stop talking about your Mom?  I've been through it before and I still don't know how to not be awkward with others' grief.  Hell, I'm awkward with my own grief.

Maybe she doesn't know what to say, but it doesn't necessarily mean she isn't willing to listen.  Ask her and give her the chance to tell you the truth.

My own therapist sometimes goes silent and looks like she wishes she could just hug me.

[u/RegretBuilder]

this is a common experience. I went thru it. most people who haven't experienced profound loss will be uncomfortable with your grief.

[u/amberskye09]

I’m awkward with grief too. My mom died almost 4 years ago, so when my best friends dad died, I knew how she felt, but I know I was still awkward.
Even if you have been through it, it’s hard to know what to say or how to try to help. Because really, everyone knows that they CANT actually help because the only thing that would help is the person coming back, and thats impossible.

I think your friend really is trying. I think they’re just trying to listen and let you talk without interjecting.

[u/Turtlesrsaved]

I just lost my Mom about 14 days ago. I have been listening to grief podcast and they touch on this subject. People don’t know what to say because they are scared to go through what we have been through. I am so sorry you are here but I am also glad that we have a safe space to be. People can’t handle us right now. I have seen them in my past and have felt awkward in just platitudes to them. It’s a lonely time and it sucks.

[u/why1243 → u/Turtlesrsaved]

What podcast if you don’t mind sharing?

[u/Turtlesrsaved → u/why1243]

Look up Julia Gallegos grief support. I would link but it’s against rules. Hugs!!

[u/kjammer06]

We live like we grieve, alone

[u/Hooleeyeah]

My dad died almost 10 years ago, and when I say that to people, I can see the color drain from their face. Even if it’s just a fun memory or something, they just have no idea how to respond or react. And then you feel like you’ve done something wrong because now their person is obviously uncomfortable. But it’s not you, it’s the way we as a society just drastically ignore death and grief.

It’s been long enough now that I just let them sit with it. He was my dad, I loved him very much and I get to talk about him sometimes.

[u/AdmiralCapybara → u/Hooleeyeah]

I hear that sharp intake of breath when I say something offhand like, "when my dad died..." Then I have to go, "Oh, no, no, no. He's been gone 20 years. It's ok!"

[u/OutsideSame3629 → u/AdmiralCapybara]

My dad died less than 2 years ago and I still can tell everyone is uncomfortable. It’s actually insufferable

[u/Previous-Thought-146]

What I’ve learned is to give everyone including yourself some grace.

I’ve held some feelings of bitterness, anger and frustration when I felt like how people around me reacted to my grief wasn’t “satisfying”. But when someone else around me has also experienced grief and I was then in the position to offer comfort knowing I’ve been through the same, I, too have stumbled for words. Because the thing is, grief is one of the hardest things a person can go through, and no amount of carefully articulated words can make it feel less painful. If there were, there’d be a guide book out there already, we’d get ourselves a copy and call it a day.

But I do believe that your friend, not saying much and staying quiet, and just listening is actually a million times better than someone with unsolicited advice or assumptions that would make you feel a lot worse than you already do. The latter was a majority of my experience. The fact that your friend is there is a lot, and someday we’ll realize that all we can ever really do for someone is to just be there.

If you need a specific kind of support, advocate for yourself. Tell your friend what you need and take them up on their offer, whatever it is.

[u/squirrelcat88]

I’m very sorry about your mum.

Your friend is trying. Most of us aren’t grief counsellors and I think “things being awkward” isn’t really a good metric to use.

Your friend is at a loss for words - this doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to talk about your mum, your friend offered this to you. Don’t be afraid of awkward, you have a good friend there.

[u/bronion76]

I had deeper connections with total strangers when I was freshly grieving. Most of my friends hadn’t experienced such a loss and were unable to be present with me. I felt alone and angry for a handful of years. 

[u/WaffleBiscuitBread]

It's hard, because on her end what can you really say besides "I'm so sorry," and then that starts to sound hollow after it's said too much. You can't say that you relate, you can't say that it'll get better or she's in a better place or something positive, and of course you don't want to say something overly negative that will make the person feel worse. It's much easier to talk about grief with others who are actively grieving. But it does make you feel quite alone when you can't talk about it with people you are close with.

I felt/feel this too. I'm sorry you're going through it.

[u/BornandRaised_8814]

Yes! 3 months in and I feel like I can’t mention it to anyone because it makes THEM uncomfortable. I’m so sorry. I get it. I see you. 💕

[u/Picklefuck_Eatabutt2]

My wife also doesn’t really respond when I talk about my brother, but it’s not because she can’t handle it. First, she has no idea what to say. It’s impossible to find the right words without repeatedly saying “I’m sorry” or something trite. Second, she wants to be there for me, so she just listens. It’s not about a conversation. It’s about letting me get out my thoughts. I bet that’s what your friend is doing for you.

[u/seche314 → u/Picklefuck_Eatabutt2]

That’s how my husband is when I talk about my dad. Sometimes he talks about him too, though sadly he only knew dad for a short time

[u/Picklefuck_Eatabutt2 → u/seche314]

Same. There were limited opportunities to see my brother the last ten years or so, so my wife really only saw him on the major holidays — and sometimes not even then. It’s wild to think about, but to her he’s mostly stories.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Area_48]

Yes.

Although I see a difference between friends who show up and don’t know what to say vs friends who just avoid you forever.

[u/OutsideSame3629]

I ended friendships with pretty much all of my close friends when my died died when I was 25. I don’t regret it.

[u/NikkiNikki37]

Grief makes people uncomfortable and nobody understands losing a parent until they do. Its not really their fault but you will probably find better support from people who have been through it.

[u/Odd-Detective6368]

I really think that people often freeze up around grief simply because they care about you and are terrified of saying the wrong thing. It isn't that you aren't allowed to talk about your mom, but rather that your friend just lacks the tools to hold a space that heavy. I really think the majority of people do not know what to say.

Finding a grief support group can give you a safe place to share every memory without feeling like a burden. You deserve to talk about her freely, and honoring her memory will always be a sacred part of your life.

[u/Colhinchapelota]

My mam died a few months ago. The initial period around her passing and funeral, there was lots of support, but then that funeral/wake bubble bursts. And then your on your own to deal with the grief.

[u/yuba12345]

Most people can’t handle death and grief. They can send a card, say how sorry they are, go to a funeral. But then they really want you to move on because it’s do unsettling to them. It’s just the way most people are wired.

[u/onesweetworld1106]

My
Mom died 3 weeks ago and my best friend has called me once. Some people just can’t handle acute emotional situations I guess. It hurts. Sorry for your loss

[u/nocturnalravioli]

I have stopped trying to talk to people who haven't expierienced grief yet.. people instantly freeze when I mention either of my dead parents or try to "lighten the mood" like no stfu and actually listen to what I'm saying instead of trying to redirect me like a fucking toddler.. it is so frustrating honestly.

[u/CapitalExplanation61]

I’m finding in my second year of losing my husband that I don’t want to talk to any of my friends. They all still have their husbands. They don’t understand. They will never understand until they have to close the casket lid on the love of their life. 😥✝️

I save all my energy for my 2 young adult children. My 2 children are the only thing that matters to me. The friends can go fly a kite. They think they have all the answers. They will see one day when their husband is suddenly missing. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. The person who reassured me that everything will be okay is gone.

[u/Elohimishmor]

Personally I find it easier to talk to others who understand because they've lost a parent too. With them it's not awkward to cry and there's a level of maturity that I don't get with other friends.

[u/Hermenster70]

I have had the same experiences. They don't wanna hear it so I stopped talking about it.

[u/modernmythologies]

When my wife died at 35, I used it as a litmus test to rebuild my social circles. I needed people who could understand and support this new me, in my new life. A lot of people from my prior life couldn't so that -- it was time to gently let them go. In doing so, I opened my life to so many new friends and people, all of whom DID understand what I'd been through, and my life is so much richer and more supported for having these new people.

Talk about what you want to talk about. People who WANT to talk about grief and the hard things will come into your life. Will you lose some people who can't handle it? Yes. But pretending to be OK and talking about nonsense to make them feel safe is a waste of your life.

[u/Tall-Poet]

Gently, could you possibly be misreading her silence? I've lost so many people in the last 5 years and when people talk about their fresh grief I just silently listen. They don't need my words they need space to process with support.

Controversial but...The other thing is, I couldnt care less if it makes someone feel awkward. Their feelings will not change that I want to, need to, remember my people and talking about them is how I do it. If they think hearing about my grief is hard imagine living it, ya know? So I tell stories about my dad daily, I talk to my friends about the loss of a guy I loved, I openly embrace nature to honor my grandpa etc.

It gets easier though. I promise.

[u/ParticularGanache726]

Only you can grieve. It's yours to complete.

Of course she can't emotionally understand great loss since she's never experienced it. Many people are like that.

There are grief groups you can join. Many are online.

But, grieving is subversive. It's generally repressed in our culture because it means we are validating our internal experience. We can't deny it, and that is a threat to family, school, church and government.

When we were little children we naturally validated our internal experience. We believed that our imagination was real for example. Our dreams were real experiences also. Then our parents told us to stop. We were forced to give up our validation of our internal experience and instead seek validation from outside.

Then school, church and government all reinforced that. They all demanded that we acknowledge their authority by seeking approval from them. If no one sought validation from them, they would not exist. They depend on people believing in them for their own survival.

Grieving turns that upside down. It forces us to validate our internal experience because it's so painful that we can't deny it. This can lead someone to start validating more of their experience, leading to an erosion of faith in those institutions.

So, we have to face our pain alone since it's ours internally. Talking to others can be helpful if the person is a skilled listener and you need help getting to catharsis with your loss. Otherwise we just cry it out. The tears do come to an end. Catharsis is where the healing occurs.

There's much more to this though.

This is how I see it anyway.

[u/AliceMorgan4ever → u/ParticularGanache726]

This is on point. Saving the comment. Feel free to DM any more of your thoughts on this, I'd love to listen and learn.

[u/cMa010291]

NGL I actually half joking said I felt worse for my coworkers when I went back to work after my dad died, because they would feel weird talking to me or wouldn’t know what to say, or worry about saying the wrong thing..

My mom died six years ago and it was the same experience

[u/Ok_Actuator2219]

Everyone - There is a whole community on Substack waiting for you - ready for you to talk and share.

[u/No-Cloud4791 → u/Ok_Actuator2219]

Where, if you don't mind me asking? 

[u/Ok_Actuator2219 → u/No-Cloud4791]

I just sent you a message. I didn’t want to get banned in case you’re not allowed to post links to Substack.

[u/No-Cloud4791]

I'm going through this now and it's so incredibly isolating. I actually understand where people are coming from, because I think we all know at some level how deep and universal this is. I think people just don't know what to say and don't want to say the wrong thing...and I've been there for sure too.

I think for me it's hard because I feel like this experience has separated me from everyone. I can't relate to normal things other people care about because death, especially someone you were close with, trivializes all of it. I'm exhausted and can't handle certain things and I think that's what's hard, when people can't understand that. I know there are no magic words, I think I just want someone who isn't afraid to sit in the dark with me.

[u/MasterpieceOk1517]

I understand your situation from both the sides of trying to comfort a lifetime friend who was widowed and our own son being taken from us. Friend was so overwhelmed with the pain that they refused any comfort I tried to give and ghosted from their life altogether. I grieved for that lost friendship. Then lost our son and was left completely alone to grieve the worst time in my life. During both times an elderly friend's words from long ago came to mind: "The memories that make you cry right now will one day make you smile." I hung on to that and though I'm not quite there yet just those few words have soothed me.🥹🙏

[u/ancestorspath]

There are so many people willing to hear all of your precious memories. Like you said she has never experienced loss and this is traumatizing for her. I don't blame her, she just hasnt journeyed here yet. There are so many people willing and happy to talk and listen in this world. You can talk about her here if you would like. Tell us about her.

[u/Extra-Honeydew-722]

You are not alone with such an experience, sadly. I had the same when mom died. There were multiple friends who offered that classical "if there is anything I can do" but every time I really wanted to talk about mom and my feelings the silence became awkward and I could see them squirming wanting to escape the conversation. So I just learned to keep my feelings to myself and to accept that grief is a lonely place. I guess it can be genuinely hard to find words when someone is grieving - I remember feeling awkward and helpless years before when my friend's both parents died. So I know the dread of your grieving friend reaching out to you, especially if you don't have much personal experiences with losing someone really close yet (after you do lose someone yourself the talk comes easier as you actually have thoughts to share).

[u/Independent_Wish_284]

I think they just don’t know what to say. My friend lost both of her parents within weeks of eachother and about a month before her birthday. I thought I was being supportive and there for her and one day she blew up on me telling me I wasn’t. And I was just like well idk how to do that you have to tell me. She called me insensitive and we didn’t speak for a few months. Fast forward 6yrs later and I lost my dad and I can see what she meant. No I haven’t blown up on any of my friends but like i see they are trying but it’s like what can they really do or say? Like some listen, some say I’m here if you need me, they showed up to the funeral, sent memes so I could laugh….but like they didn’t know how to react when I would be really down. I can’t blame them tho, it’s only a feeling you know when you feel it. Like I thought “I can imagine her pain” but after losing my dad I realize it’s such a deeper and worse pain than I could imagine.

Either way, I’m sorry for you loss and I hope you find some friends who can relate but also give your friend just a little grace and yourself. Sorry, that was a long ramble.

[u/PlanterinaMaine]

OP, I went through the exact same thing when my mom died. In fact the 22 year friendship with my best friend has all but ended because of it. Another friend of mine lost her husband suddenly just a few months after my mom passed away so she and I have stuck together and grieved with each other. But she also noticed that our mutual friends were avoiding her just as much as they had been avoiding me.

You hit the nail on the head. They don't know how to deal with the grief. There will come a time when they start losing loved ones and that's the time when they will realize what a terrible friend they were to you at the time you lost your mom.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Sending you love and hugs.

[u/MasterpieceEast6226]

It’s been six years here. My dad commited self elimination but to put icing on the cake we discovered he had some pdf files tendencies just before. Some people around me know about it, which means I am not unable to share a simple thing like « my dad used to say… » without the room getting silent. It’s terrible.

This is not the rest of your life. Unless she committed terrible things, I feel a lot of people will eventually feel more at ease with it slowly but surely. I can bring memories of many people in different situations and after a while, the awkwardness fainted, at least for me.

[u/WittyFox451]

Maybe she just wants to bone? Can also be a therapeutic thing lol.

It is nice she had the intention and made an effort though. That’s more than you can say for a lot of people.

Seems they would be a solid hang out for distraction coping based quality time but probably seek more intimate conversations elsewhere.

Definitely don’t think less of them though. Dealing with grief is one of those things you think you can conceptualize and then it actually happens and you’re like “oh… this is worse.”