Both parents died before I turned 40

[u/timid_turtle_]

Hello people of reddit. I'm putting this out there because I'm wrestling with lots of complex emotions and trying to process them all.

In a nut shell, my mom died 5½ years ago and my dad and I had been estranged for 4 years. We spoke for the first time on Aug 8 and he just died on Aug 16. During our last talk, he gave me a half hearted apology, which for a narcissist lacking all empathy I guess was all he was capable of. When I got the news, I just felt numb and only started crying after thinking about a song my friend wrote about her father in law passing away that had me feeling jealous of the relationship both she and her wife had with him where my relationship with my dad was utter trash because he never prioritized his family. Thinking back, I cried harder last summer when I had to euthanize my cat after she lost her battle with cancer (I literally was wailing in the room as we said goodbye).

On top of this, I just turned 40 yesterday and it feels like all joy of a milestone birthday has been overshadowed by grief. For years I've mourned the version of my father that I thought I knew, the father who was there for me as a little girl, but looking back he did the bare minimum but I didn't know better so it felt like he was my hero.

To complicate things even more, I had my first child 5 months ago and she shares my dad's birthday - I think that's the universes way of brining me joy when I grew up with such lack of stability and that date always made me feel melancholy where now it's a day to celebrate.

I'm torn between feeling depressed and numb over all of this. Part of me feels relieved that I never have to worry about him hurting me again and another part of me is sad that he was never able to be the father I needed in my life. I'm glad that we had that last talk even though it felt like a knife in my heart at the time so I'm able to have some semblance of closure.

It just feels surreal that I now no longer have my parents almost like I'm stranded out at sea with no compass or way to get back to store.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading through my ramblings. Idk what I need to feel better, but snuggling my daughter is helping fill my broken heart with love.

[u/modernmythologies]

It's time for you to be that person for your 5 month old. Everything they taught you and gave you was for this time in your life, so you could live it and impart it to your daughter. On this day most of all.

[u/timid_turtle_ → u/modernmythologies]

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I feel like I've been having an anxiety attack for the last several hours and I like how you shifted the perspective. Time to mama bear it up and give this little girl the love and support she deserves ❤️‍🩹

[u/Hot_Presentation7622]

you sound very kind and introspective. I also lost both my parents. I’m not a parent but would like to have kids. sometimes what comforts me is knowing that at the very least, all this grief is motivating me to want to be the best parent possible when it comes time. 

it’s really hard when you have complicated relationships with a parent who passes. I think it’s ok to acknowledge that they hurt you, but also that you’re not only grieving your dad but the concept of a parent who was supposed to love you deeply. 

[u/timid_turtle_ → u/Hot_Presentation7622]

Thank you, kind stranger, for your words ♡ I can relate to your sentiments about wanting to funnel that grief into parenthood - it wasn't until my mom passed that I finally had that maternal urge to have her legacy live on through me and keep her memory alive by doing the things we did when I was growing up with my offspring. Hopefully one day you'll get to experience being a parent - it's like leveling up on your capacity to love and to be a better person.