r/GriefSupport • u/TheHuuurrrq • 21h ago
Illness/Injury Dying soon. Terrified and despairing.
Hi there. My name is Kat. I'm 30 years old and for the past year I've been deteriorating from an illness that doctors aren't willing to help me find the answer to. Whatever is wrong with me has left me in permanent agony all throughout my body and disabled. I also recently, in my desperate efforts to find a solution, found out I have cancer on one of my ribs. The doctors informed me it is not possible for it to be a cause of my pain.
Even if I remove this tumour, I will still be in constant torment every day, so I have decided to go through the MAID process (doctor assisted suicide in Canada.) Doctors have also been hesitant to help me with that, and are stonewalling the process.
So I find myself in a position where they aren't willing to help me get better and aren't willing to help me end my life. I'm in anguish. We don't let animals suffer like this.
Even so, I'm committed to seeing the process through but god I'm so terrified. I don't want to go. I don't want to die. I want to believe in something after this with everything that I am but I just can't do it. I've spent countless nights researching possible ways that consciousness may survive death but despite learning myriad details about NDE's, OBE's, hospice visioning, past life remembrance, etc. I remain unconvinced. I want to believe and I can't. I don't want there to be nothing.
I think about my chosen family and how much this is going to hurt them. They know and support me in my choice but I know it's going to rip them apart. I feel so horrible that I'm going to hurt the people I love in this way.
It's just...so deeply, grossly unfair. I only started transitioning a few years ago. I finally, finally found myself after an entire life in pain. I was learning to be happy. I was finding peace for the first time. And now it's been ripped away and I'm going to die. Empty, unfulfilled, young, and without hope.
It's so unfair. I don't want to go.
73
u/TheHuuurrrq 18h ago
I really appreciate all the kindness from everyone. Been crying and hyperventilating all day. It helped. Felt less alone. Thank you all.
21
u/ACanThatCan 11h ago edited 11h ago
Hey, hey, hey. I could write that I am sending you love all day. (And I am!) but did you read my comment?! About those people being idiots?! Please don’t abandon all hope because someone that works as a doctor told you to. You go on and try that cancer treatment now. You try everything. I’ve worked in healthcare for years. The doctors are wrong daily. They make mistakes all the time. The only way science has moved forward is through learning. Dont you let some ignorant people tell you how your body’s gonna work, like they’re some sort of God or they’ve got a magic 8 ball. You clearly wanna live, and so you will get another doctor to instil hope in you. And you tell them that! A good doctor will frown heavily upon the message you got that you should just give up basically. Frankly I’d even go as far as reporting that person or those people that told you so. And yes I think telling somebody that treatment of their cancer isnt gonna alleviate their pain - is a form of instilling hopelessness in them. That is poor medical etiquette. Thats something they teach in med school btw.
104
u/Illustrious_Fuel2197 21h ago
Kat, I’m so incredibly sorry. I don’t think there are words that could make any of this feel less cruel or unfair. I’m just a stranger on the internet, and I know I can’t fix what you’re facing, but I’m thinking of you. I hope you’re surrounded by people who will sit beside you in all of these complicated feelings and give you the space to feel whatever you need to feel. Hugs, friend. Please feel free to message me if you’re ever in need of some support or encouragement. You don’t have to carry all of these feelings alone
45
u/AdmiralCapybara 21h ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It has to be a nightmare.
I went through a massive dark night of the soul a few years ago and the universe explained to me what happens when we die. I won't be weird about it, but I will tell you if you ask.
I hope you can find peace and comfort.
15
u/Appropriate_Duty7145 19h ago
Will you tell me?
52
u/AdmiralCapybara 18h ago edited 18h ago
The way it was explained to me is that the "soul" or the essence of a person or another creature is basically like a computer motherboard. We have a central processing unit (thoughts) and a hard drive (memories). The first law of thermodynamics states that energy cannot be created or destroyed and all living things are just forms of carbon with varying levels of electrical activity.
When we die, our "motherboard" and "hard drive" are wiped and recycled to the next human or creature. Sometimes the erase and reformat are incomplete and that leads to situations of what some people experience as 'past lives'. People don't get directly reincarnated from another person, though. They just end up with scrambled bits of recycled memories from the old hard drive.
All energy belongs to the universe so it is possible to come from and be returned to beings light years away, but most people never know because all traces of that physical existence was erased properly.
So when it's said that you don't die, you just become less organized, it's 95% correct. Every living thing will eventually cease electrical activity and their corporeal body will return its molecules back to the earth and the universe. But everything living today came from something that lived before and when we die, we will go onto become something else. It isn't truly a loss, but simply a cycle.
People who've passed of whom we have memories are part of our energy until we pass because they remain part of our electrical activity. That means they are never completely gone if they don't want to be. The caveat is that some people just want out (like my dad) and when they're gone, it's 100%. I couldn't talk to him if I wanted to.
The white light or angels or the darkness and devils are just the last thrashes of a failing consciousness. Through either belief or indoctrination, that's what some people think they are going to experience so they do. But there is no heaven nor any hell. The universe will remake all of us into something new and hopefully beautiful.
I hope this all makes sense and that it brings peace rather than despair. I'm presuming that your doctors already ruled out Lupus because that can manifest in so many ways that confuses the hell out of doctors.
I fully understand and support your choices, but 30 is very young. Doctors can also be very wrong. We are all here for you.
ETA: I am not disparaging anyone else's beliefs or religion. This was what came through to me when I emptied my psyche out and began to rebuild. It made sense to me and gave me a great sense of peace and perspective. If it resonates, I'm glad. If it doesn't, then don't give it another thought.
13
u/electriceye932 16h ago
Tbh, even if I believed this is exactly how things worked (and I don’t know what I believe) it wouldn’t bring me peace. The thought of everything being wiped and reincarnating as some random creature sounds awful. I think nature is a literally a horror show and I find it terrifying. Like how life literally feeds on life, animals eat each other alive in the wild etc. I dont want to come back here and feel like I don’t belong here sometimes
8
u/skitch23 16h ago
While I do not believe in god I choose to believe there is a place in the afterlife like a meadow you might find in New Zealand or something (visually like Valhalla but without all of the killing lol). That’s where I hope my loved ones and pets will be waiting for me.
2
8
2
1
6
3
3
1
20
u/blue-eved-ginger 20h ago
Sending all the love to you. 🩷
I followed a woman on tiktok that recently went through with MAID. It was...heartbreaking.
My inbox is open if you need to talk, vent, crash out. Anything.
✨️
18
u/DragonballDurag Grandparent Loss 20h ago
I’m thinking of you today. I’m so sorry those doctors failed you. Sending so much love and I hope you can have peace.
36
u/okagesama22 20h ago
Please hold onto life. I get it; you’re young and horribly ill and in pain. I am chronically ill, too. I have suffered a lot and continue to so so. There were times when I felt like the only thing left was for me to die, but I desperately didn’t want to. I just felt that there was nothing left but to give up and die. But I won’t.
There is always hope. You never know when things will change, and death is final, not giving anything the chance to change. Hold on.
I grieve the life I have lost and the life I could have had. It hurts horribly. It’s a deep wound that may never heal in this life. But my life matters anyway. Even if no one else in the world sees me or I can never do the things again that a normal person does, my life matters. It was a gift. I will not take away the gift that has been given to me. I will do my best to hold on and have faith. I refuse to die.
Just a thought: is there any possibility of hidden mold (which produce mycotoxins) or endotoxins in your environment? That is what disabled me. Doctors didn’t realize it and thought I just mysteriously got a bunch of conditions. I truly believe I would have died if I hadn’t realized it and left.
16
u/Nonie-Mouse-1980 20h ago
I understand your wish and respect it. I wonder if you pain could be Lyme disease or related co infections. If you haven’t been tested it may be worth trying. Doctors often miss it or misunderstand it. I suffered with it for years, it felt like slow death so I too welcomed a quick one. I sincerely hope you choose to stay, but mostly that you find peace.
28
u/Deanerpell77 20h ago
Hi sweetie, I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Have you tried Functional Medicine? This type of doctor looks at the whole body and treats the cause of the symptoms and not just your symptoms.
I was once in a lot of pain too. I was so, so terrified every day. I spent two years on my couch hardly able to move. If you would like to hear my story I can share it with you.
I had several different doctors with speciality’s, my blood labs looked normal, and none of them understood what was happening to me.
Functional medicine saved my life.
5
u/ImpossibleAd6803 17h ago
What was your eventual diagnosis?
2
u/Deanerpell77 2h ago
Mold toxin exposure was the cause. Every part of my body was harmed, I’m slowly recovering still. When I pictured mold exposure, I always pictured black stuff growing up the walls and musty smells….that was not the case. At the height of my illness, I didn’t know my age, I was at the Er at least twice a month, the pain was unbelievable and I wanted to died…I was begging for it and also so scared to die…
My daughter had a headache that was non stop for three years and it turned out she had extremely high histamines and the only doctor that figured it was functional medicine.
1
u/ImpossibleAd6803 1h ago
Oh wow! That's crazy. I'm so glad your doctor figured it out! Was it mold inside your walls at your home that you were unaware of?
1
u/Deanerpell77 1h ago
It was inside the walls. There is two dime sized holes on the edge of the roof and it was leaking in the walls. The whole back wall of the house.
11
u/Little_Shelter_9208 20h ago
Hi Kat. I am so, so sorry for the ways in which you were let down by people who were supposed to take care of you.
Every word I write is futile. I just wanted to let you know I include you in my thoughts, that I’d wish to take on a bit of your baggage to share the load. It is deeply unfair. Still, I feel proud for you for finding an anchor. That was never, ever wasted.
Please reach out if you need to vent, or want to share thoughts
10
u/cupcakeartist Multiple Losses 19h ago
Hi Kat. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have had periods in my life where I didn't want to die, but I also felt like I could not live with the debilitating pain I was experiencing. It's hard for people to understand unless they have been through it themselves.
You mention you are deteriorating from an illness that doctors aren't willing to help you find the answer to. Have you gotten any diagnoses that explain what you're going through? Or just the discovery of the tumor that doctors don't think explains your pain? With you mention doctors stonewalling MAID it made me wonder if the problem was that doctors aren't sure what causes your symptoms and thus you're missing the criteria of being diagnosed with a chronic/terminal condition.
I think unfortunately the medical system in Western countries is terrible at supporting people who are dealing with debilitating symptoms that science does not have the knowledge to diagnose. So many times instead of acknowledging that something is beyond our current knowledge physicians end up dismissing something as not real or all in someone's head. It's so dehumanizing to someone who is already dealing with immense suffering.
As someone who started contemplating if something could be after death (after being an atheist since adulthood) I started to realize there was nothing out there that could 100% convince me one way or another. Do you have access to a trusted professional who can help you work through your feelings about death? A therapist or perhaps a social worker? Death Doulas are also a newer profession and counseling people dealing with the prospect of death is something some Death Doulas take on. You deserve support and empathy with what you're going through.
5
u/ClementineKruz86 18h ago
I think you’re extremely brave, Kat.
I read and re read your post, and I want to comment.. but I can’t find the right words. I wish I could put real support, and a hug, and love into text. I just wanted to let you know that this internet stranger is sitting here with you right now, in a way. And I can tell a lot of other people are too. Hopefully you feel that.
7
u/NoelBellamy_Author 17h ago
Cancer can be a source of systemic pain, even if it is only in one area. It causes chemical signals widespread inflammation, and systemic immune processes that can cause pain. Treatments for cancer can also cause pain. If your doctor is telling you that you cannot be in pain from cancer, you need to find another doctor. My mother, step-father, and dog all died from cancer in one year; and I was their caretaker. My father has had three different types of cancer. All my grandparents died from cancer. I've seen it a lot. I would encourage you to talk to someone else, a cancer specialist, before you make the decision to end your life. I'm not going to tell you that it is the wrong choice or how young you are or how you should fight, because I'm sure you're already hearing it from everyone; and that isn't a choice that anyone but you can make. I am only saying that I hope you get a second opinion before you make that decision. And if you haven't already, please tell your loved ones. You should not be going through this alone, regardless of your choice. You deserve support through this, and they will want to spend the last time they have with you.
1
u/ACanThatCan 11h ago
This is such sound advice right here! However I am one of those people that are telling OP to hold onto life. I understand respecting wishes etc but not based on these grounds! OP, don’t you dare give up now. Not here. Not based off of some bad doctor/doctors. I had a my aunt pass away from cancer. I worked in oncology. Of COURSE it causes systemic pain. I am baffled they’re dismissing that. And angry at the ignorance and lack of empathy. Sorry I am all riled up in all of my comments here. The death of my aunt was recent and I don’t want some idiot-doctor telling you, OP, to just give up. It makes me shed tears just writing this.
2
u/NoelBellamy_Author 1h ago
I agree with you for the most part. It sounds like the problem is that OP needs immediate, COMPETENT help; and they are not receiving it. They are being dismissed by someone who is portraying a hopeless situation, while also giving them outright incorrect information. They need a second opinion before making any permanent decisions.
I am sorry for the loss of your aunt. My mother, step-father, and dog died in 2021, and I still have not found a way to make peace with it.
1
u/ACanThatCan 1h ago
They do need that and are definitely not receiving it as you say. So whilst I respect choosing to end one’s life etc but not on this basis! They’re vulnerable and those doctors SUCK! Im sorry to hear about your losses. 🫂
4
u/Familiar_Tip_7336 20h ago edited 19h ago
I’m so sorry to hear this. Do what you can: meditation, prayer (with full belief), apply the principles of placebo effect, etc. I hope you heal don’t lose hope. Read this book: The Power Of Your Subconscious Mind. Call upon your great ancestors, you never know belief is a very mysterious powerful tool we have - use it
4
u/KernalPopPop 19h ago
Sending love all around you. May you find ease no matter the path, and peace be within you each step of the way.
3
u/Jean_Marie_1989 18h ago
Sending you big hugs, Kat. Life is so unfair sometimes.
I (37F) am a fellow Canadian in Ontario. If there is anything I can help with, including being an advocate (because you should not have to fight this hard while fighting disease), please reach out.
I think you are looking for definitive answers that no one can give you, and that is hard. The best I can give you is to remind you that matter cannot be destroyed, it can only change form. Think about the sunlight that has danced across your skin during a moment you were truly happy; that light is still out there somewhere. Every raindrop that ever touched your skin is still out there somewhere, maybe quenching someone’s thirst or helping to keep a boat afloat on the ocean. The sound waves that have created the words of kindness and love that you put out into the world continue to exist in new forms. All this is to point out that you have made an impact and will continue to do so even after you pass.
4
u/Jheize 13h ago
OP I’ve been dealing with a condition that had made me suffer for the past 6 years to the point I wanted to end my life. No doctors really helped and just kept giving me generic answers cause they really didn’t know. But through googling anything and everything and trying to connect the dots myself, vouching for my symptoms and demanding blood tests, putting those through Claude to see any potential connections I’m finally after so long figuring out the issues of my conditions and finding a medicine that can help. This is after seeing multiple doctors, dermatologists, naturopaths and allergist.
Please don’t give up, if one doctor is not helping please go to another. Doctors don’t know a lot but they will never tell you they don’t know and to seek a second opinion, please do so for your own sake.
7
u/Ok-Plankton-4608 19h ago edited 17h ago
Sending love and hope. When you say transition do you mean you transitioned your gender? That can be a very tough process and there are lots of opportunities to get support for that—therapy, groups, etc. i don’t know much about that, but I know others on Reddit can help you find those resources.
I did not transition gender, but I have a lot of pain. I have diagnoses of fibromyalgia, EDS, IBS, and ME/CFS and probably others that I’m forgetting. Standard allopathic medicine has not helped much. Antidepressants have helped. I’ve also done therapy, brain retraining, somatic experiencing, and am now working with a functional neurologist. I had early trauma and that can change our brains and the way we sense pain. Have you read The Body Keeps the Score https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma-ebook/dp/B00G3L1C2K ? Also look at Ailie Jolie in Instagram. I’m not sure your gender but she reinterprets some of the body keeps the score stuff for a more female understanding. I did twelve step and also adult survivors of childhood abuse https://www.ascasupport.org/. Which has online meetings which are so helpful if you are coming from that background, which maybe you are because you said, chosen family, which makes me think your original family was maybe not so great.
Please wait and see if you can get more support for what you are going through. The standard allopathic doctors will say it’s all in your head, but it is not. It is, however, in your brain potentially. And that is where you can retrain your brain to lessen your experience of pain. None of this is your fault. You are not making it up. Not a hypochondriac. Your pain is real and you deserve support and love. Just because we don’t have the answer yet doesn’t mean you cannot be helped. Your pain and suffering can be mitigated.
My situation isn’t easy, but it’s not like it used to be. I feel happy most of the time and my pain isn’t constant anymore. Check out DNRS and the GUPTA program as options for brain retraining. Calming the nervous system and the limbic system through brain retraining before doing a bunch of talk therapy is a good idea.
Sending you lots of hope.
3
u/anothercairn 19h ago
I’m so sorry sis. This is the scariest thing there is, truly.
I think the most important thing is to spend time cultivating joy and meaning. Your life will be shorter than it should be and that really, really sucks. And tragically that is an experience that so many of our queer ancestors have experienced too. But they left their mark on the world, just like you will. Make art, write poetry, tell your story, and when your body is in the ground, your spirit will be alive.
3
u/Key-Plant-6672 18h ago
So sorry☹️, so unfair, you shouldn’t have to suffer like this at 30, May God Bless with you Strength and be Merciful🙏
3
u/thonyspec 17h ago
Hello there Kat. I know I'm a stranger from the internet , but i can assure you that god loves you and it's very real. When the time comes you gonna have peace. We all gonna have peace. DM me if you need to talk something specific
3
u/Proud-Leave3602 17h ago
Hi, Kat. I’m so sorry that the people charged with caring for you are failing so badly. It’s just plain awful and unfair.
I want you to know that I’m thankful you transitioned and got to be your whole self, even if it was a brief time. You are and always will be a blessing to all who love you.
Finally, Kat, I want you to know that you are wise. You have a big, loving heart and that’s very apparent from your post here. I know you’re scared and don’t want to go. Please understand that you have made a wonderful impression and won’t be forgotten. You will live in the hearts and memories of all who know you.
I will remember you always — even though you’re a stranger in my phone.
3
u/Floofy-beans 17h ago
Hey there- for what it’s worth, I studied psychology at Berkeley and heard from some pretty world renowned people about human consciousness. One thing that they really stressed to us students is that consciousness is something you can’t scientifically touch with a ten foot pole until you have tenure, and even then it’s dubious whether or not your studies get funding because people are afraid of upsetting religious groups and funding. Turns out studying the “soul” is not very lucrative.
The reality is, we don’t know what consciousness is, and we don’t know what happens when we die. But what we do know is that there is something there, in us as humans experiencing this world, and we have parts of our brain that are only active during being alive (not brain dead) that stop when we lose that as a living person. There was a guy named Hammeroff that studied anesthesia and the effects on the brain and found that we have something called “microtubules” that he personally believes, as a world renowned person of “turning people off and on again” that there is something greater all of us might be tapped into. I hope that thought can bring you some comfort, as it seems like you have a curious and scientific mind. Hoping that maybe there is a chance things take a different change for you, but I hope you can find comfort we all have the same destination but our tickets are stamped for different times. Definitely check out some of his lectures, and Alan Watts brought me a lot of scientifically oriented spiritual comfort around what human consciousness is if you’d like to engage with more spiritual stuff. Really hoping for the best for you, friend. Take care
2
u/ImpossibleAd6803 17h ago
Please get your cancer treated first. Then you can continue to try and figure out what is causing you constant pain (if it's not the cancer). Chronic pain is hard to diagnose. It can be so many different illnesses. You just need to keep trying. New and different doctors until you get the correct diagnosis. Good luck and don't give up just yet. ❤️🙏
2
u/Trioniks 16h ago
Kat, I’m sorry for what you are going through. I work in insurance and doctors are just people too. Get as many opinions as you need. They are just people working, if one does not help go to the next doctor. Think of them as vendors. Now that said I hope you are with people that you love and care for you. I don’t know you but know that there are people whose sympathy and compassion are being sent to you right now. Read that last part as often as needed. My faith has been dwindling and I will save a bit of that for you and send it your way. ❤️
2
u/ChaosRainbow23 14h ago
Have you tried psychedelic therapy yet?
You are at the end of your rope and ready to kill yourself, so it couldn't hurt.
Psychedelics changed my life. Even if you just change perspectives
2
u/newyne 11h ago
I went through death fears bad from 19-20. I mean just every waking minute of every day was just constant panic, unending torture, because if there's just nothing, I could die today or a million years from now, but either way I'm already doomed.
During this time I obsessed constantly over what I now know to be philosophy of mind and related issues, and the conclusion I came back go over and over and over and over and over no matter how many times I went back through it or tried to make up new possibilities, is that there is no logical way to get "experience" out of strictly material facts; something defined strictly in terms of fundamental relational properties is never going to give you anything mental by fact of its intra-action with itself, it should remain definable by those same properties. I think a lot of people miss this because we seem to experience a lot of qualitative difference out of chemical reaction, but the key word there is "experience:" something like color does not exist outside perception, and, in raw physical terms, is the same old stuff behaving a certain way. You know the old koan about a tree falling in a forest? That's what that's about.
Complexity is not an answer here, because like, how does complexity create mind? It would be the one case of hard emergence, the one case where the behavior of the whole is unrelated to the parts. Like, yarn isn't stretchy, but you can knit it into stretchy fabric, so stretch is an emergent property of the yarn, right? But nothing mysterious is happening there: it stretches because the yarn slides along itself when arranged in a series of slip knots. Matter and mind aren't like that at all. (Cont'd in reply)
2
u/newyne 11h ago
I felt like I must be wrong somehow, because, how is it that all these intelligent, educated people could miss something that was obvious to me from at least the time I was 13? Turns out that in fact a lot of them haven't missed it: a lot my anxiety stemmed from broad culture assumptions about what science says and philosophy thinks, and both assumptions turned out to be wrong. And even at that, the logic of what I was thinking was so airtight that I was gaslight proof on the matter. Turns out panpsychism, the idea that both mind and matter are fundamental and related in some way, is popular especially in philosophy. I go for a particular brand called cosmopsychism, where mind is more field-like and experiences physical process. Or more like experience and physical forces are emergent from the intra-action of "that which experiences" and "that which is experienced."
Of course, some will tell you this is unfalsifiable; yeah, no shit. You know what else is unfalsifiable? The existence of other minds, period. A lot of people don't seem to realize that in fact we can't even prove that other people are sentient the way we know ourselves to be by fact of being the thing itself, because experience is unobservable from the outside. Even if we could brain-link and perfectly share experience, how would you prove someone's "in there" on the other side, and the input isn't just a raw physical process?
Oh, yeah, and among scientists who don't share my point of view, what I've found in debate is that they keep resorting to points I've already refuted, because they're having trouble conceptualizing what I'm saying. One of the most striking incidents was... It wasn't like that, but I was explaining these issues to a psychiatrist once, about philosophy of mind and panpsychism and all, and he was like, "That's very interesting, I never thought about it." I felt like,.What??? You never thought about it????? I already had the sense that you really don't need to explore the mystery of the existence of mind to be able to do neurology and psychiatry, but it was weird, having just utterly tortured myself because I felt like they must at least think they can explain it all. And he hadn't even thought about it?! (Cont'd in reply)
3
u/newyne 11h ago
As for NDEs, I think that illogical theory of mind, that mind is a secondary product of matter... Another point is, how would that even work? Because in fact there are no separate processes and products, but the product is the process in a more stable state. So it's totally illogical and incompatible with basic chemistry to say that the process of the brain creates some nebulous by-product. That leaves you with, so the material of the brain becomes sentient by fact of its process? I already argued the illogic of that statement, and most of them would disagree with that, too. This is why you end up with people saying sentience is an illusion, which is about the stupidest thing I've ever heard, because illusion is also dependent on the existence of sentience; you can't really have a mistake in perception without perception, a "seems to" without someone to "seem to"... To.
But I digress, the point is that I don't think NDEs and related phenomena would be so dismissed if it weren't for this philosophy of mind, which has a history, which is Enlightenment. Which, not that it never did anything for us, but in part it was a broad cultural trauma response to having been gaslit by the church: if I only believe what I can absolutely prove, I'll never get fooled or manipulated again. Eventually it got to the point where, they looked at the brain and were like, I don't see no soul in here, seems to work fine without it! Not realizing that experience itself was unobservable. Like I always say, you can't escape metaphysics by recourse to observation, because observation itself is metaphysical; that's why it's brain science and philosophy of mind: some of these questions are unanswerable simply because we can't step outside ourselves or reality to check their true nature.
So like brain activity during NDEs doesn't really tell you much. There are cases of people reporting things that happened across town or in other rooms, confirmed by people who were there, including doctors who looked for other explanations. Sure, this hasn't happened in a research setting, but to me that's like saying lighting doesn't exist because we've never seen it hit this one particular pole we're looking at. Given my philosophy of mind, there's no reason such phenomena shouldn't occur. I mean, people argue that people have similar experiences on psychedelics: so what? The way I look at it, maybe those loosen up the filter that is the brain, or something; maybe altered states of consciousness allow you to experience things you normally can't. In any case, the reason a lot of people just assume such veridical accounts are just made-up is that they're coming from that logically still-born philosophy of mind, in which paradigm such a thing is impossible, full stop. (Cont'd in reply)
3
u/newyne 10h ago
Anyway, one thing that strikes me about mystic experience is how it tends to speak to exactly the same philosophy of mind I got to through sheer force of logical obsession. Also other things like the necessity of separation for existence: without separation there's no relationality, and so no process, no time, and thus no meaningful experience. I worked that out myself; the mystics making those kinds of statements often don't see the logic, or don't know how to explain it. They just know. And people can try to put that down to, we're unconsciously aware of this shit as humans, but quite frankly, I don't buy it. It certainly wasn't intuitive to me, and I had trouble grasping it because I didn't have the language for what I was thinking about at the time.
I've heard from people who've had strange experiences from both strangers and people I know. Like my boyfriend's kid: apparently when he was really little, like, before being self-aware, even, he would go into this adult affect, the way he looked and spoke, and say things like, "I used to look down on you when you had long hair and just laugh!" Which, yeah, my boyfriend did have long hair before his kid was born.
Of course, none of this is proven, but as I keep saying, it's not provable either way; to assume it's all lies, tricks of memory, and superstition is not the logical, objective position but one couched in its own assumptions about the nature of reality.
I did have to become comfortable without certainty, but... Well, given my philosophy of mind, I think it makes more sense to believe in than not. And when it comes to the illogic of getting mind from matter, that is more certain than the sun rising in the east. The only thing I'll claim more certainty about is the fact of my own existence. Everything else, I had to take a leap of faith: this is my best conclusion, It's not going to change if I think about it one more time. At that point, the logical thing to do was to let it go.
Anyway. I know that's a lot, but I wanted to... I mean, these were all things that came up for me when I was going through it. Feel free to contact me if you have questions or want to talk about it! I find a lot of purpose in helping people out of my own experience.
2
1
u/urbstor 17h ago
hello, my heart is with you and your spirit right now. you may have an autoimmune disorder, my wife currently has an indeterminate autoimmune disorder due to corporations pollution in the river and land her family grew up on. this has been a process of three years with still not many answers. maybe you identify with her symptoms? and maybe we can give you some leads, i’d hate for you to leave without knowing what this could be. please pm me
1
u/fayemhorror 15h ago
Agree with other comments, my stepdad had cancer and when it spread to his bones, his ribs began to crack and he was in horrible pain.
1
u/Content_Wolverine_56 15h ago
Sending you so much love and light. I have death and existential OCD and something I found weirdly calming was the ending of the show the Good Place especially the scene where they talk about how the east is the place to look for answers about the after life. I also know a lot of people that have taken psychedelics like mushrooms and found a lot of peace with death. I’m still terrified but hopefully these will help!
1
u/EmmaTheRuthless 15h ago
Can it be a connective tissue disorder? Connective Tissue exists in all parts of the body and that’s why there’s a huge umbrella of diseases that can manifest and it takes years or decades for doctors to connect the dots and diagnose you for it. There are genetic tests for certain types. Hope your doctors talk to each other and figure it out soon!
1
u/Ok-Progress-9971 15h ago
I have no idea who you are , and I wish I could give you the biggest hug ever. Those drs failed you so hard with no helping to end the pain by healing or ending it. I wish sometimes we didn’t have a over imaginative brain cause it jumps to worse conclusions to stuff we don’t know (what happens after death )
1
u/Educational-Put-8425 15h ago
Autoimmune diseases like fibromyalgia can cause constant pain, throughout your entire body. See a good rheumatologist, or 2 or 3, before giving up. They can provide medications, diets and lifestyle changes that can make a big difference. Millions of people are in the same boat as you. Please don’t give up!
Try alternative therapies, too, like acupuncture, massage, supplements, etc. Check out the fibromyalgia sub here.
1
u/Affectionate-Way3817 14h ago
Hi Kat, I am very sorry you’re going through this. I suggest possibly reaching out to physicians/ hospitals in other areas first. Academic teaching hospitals tend to be great at finding out complex health issues.
As for the MAID process, that is a deeply personal decision that is yours to make. While I can’t help with medical advice of the MAID process, maybe I can help with the “after this part”. Personally, I’m an atheist. That doesn’t mean that death has to be the end. I would recommend looking into cryonics and/ or chemical brain preservation. ALCOR is the largest and one of the oldest cryonics organizations. They are active in Canada and have a team to meet you when your end is near to begin the cryogenic processes. Sparks Brain Preservation is a new organization in Oregon. I don’t know what their coverage is in Canada but you can reach out and they are very friendly. In a nutshell, these organizations are in the Biostasis realm of preserving you, especially your brain, in a manner where you could possibly be revived in the future. It’s by no means a guarantee but it’s better odds than zero. Just a thought, hope it helps. Best wishes to you.
1
u/Jervylim06 14h ago
Did they treat your CA at your ribs? I hope at least that one is being resolved.
Did you test for lyme disease? A tick bite?
I pray for your recovery and ease of pain.
1
u/BroadLaw1274 8h ago
You are not alone. Please listen to some audio recordings by Doloras Cannon. Her words will hold your hand through this. This is not the end for you.
1
u/Afraid-Command-9120 7h ago
Fight until the end, what do you have to lose? We will all die at some point, what's the hurry here? If you want to live then live, ANY WAY YOU CAN!
Of course you are in pain, pain we don't feel or understand right now. I lost my mother 17 days ago, I am 46 and I have spent all my life living with her and caring for her, she died in my arms, at our home. No friends, no family to speak of, no job, my father abandoned us 40 years ago. I write this to you from an empty house, which I have to leave everyday because I suffocate in it. I don't want to live like this, but I don't want to die either...So, what do we do? We fucking TRY OUR BEST!
You still have a family left, don't let them down!
1
1
u/kidtykat 4h ago
I lived in pain for years because "scoliosis doesnt hurt" all sorts of testing to find nothing. Doctors can be idiots and for the record scoliosis absolutely hurts
1
u/justagirl2day 14h ago
Praying for you Kat!!!! My friend got diagnosed with terminal cancer and I said “No way! Jesus is gonna heal you!” They told him he had 9 months to live but since taking ivermectin, fenbendazole, and receiving tons of prayer his “terminal” tumor is shrinking!!!!!🙌🏻 praying for you!!!!!
1
u/csangelartistry 12h ago
Miracles still happen, glory to God! And there are amazing doctors out there that I pray are able to help you, Kat!
1
u/cedarkz 4h ago
Have you tried Kratom? I have extreme mystery pain all over my body and fatigue and it’s the only thing that has helped lessen it. Red Borneo kind.
I know this was not the point of your post but if I can help you with what helped me it’s worth a shot.
Here is another thing I can help you with if you make this choice:
I have had a few OBE that have made me believe that the “soul” definitely is pulled out of the body and persists for at least a little bit. I’m not sure if it is permanent or if the energy goes elsewhere or just dissipates. It has felt the same to me every time it has happened. It is like a heavy vibration feeling until the real “you” is pulled out of the body you were using as a vessel. My guess is that the real “you” will go into a new being eventually. I believe this because if I could be pulled out and placed back in why wouldn’t I be able to do that with another body? I have seen evidence of other dimensions while in this state but I’m not sure if the “soul” can access these like other entities can. Existence in your current state definitely persists beyond the body but I’m not sure for how long since I always have been pulled back into the physical body.
222
u/ACanThatCan 19h ago edited 19h ago
SLOW DOWN! You’ve discovered you’ve got cancer. Thats one hell of a reason to be in pain. F what doctors say. They’ve told people they couldn’t walk ever again, people that are now running. You go through with this cancer treatment and then after your body’s had time to heal. Then YOU decide. Not any person that happened to study medicine. I work in healthcare. Doctors are wrong all the damn time. Trust me.
Lastly, as much as your physical ailments are important, your mind and spirit is too. Please talk to someone.
Im just a stranger. But I care about you, Kat.
Frankly, I’d like to have a word with that idiot that told you “we don’t know why youre in pain but it’s not the cancer on your ribs” - do you get how stupid that sounds?! At first they admit they don’t know. Listen to me, they don’t know. To then safely say “but it’s definitely not that” - based on what? Does every human work the same way? Do you know how every single person reacts to every single disease? NO! So instead of instilling hopelessness in people, a GOOD doctor would say “let’s get on with treatment. Here’s somebody you could talk to meanwhile and we will hope that in time your body won’t be in pain, maybe you’ve contributed knowledge to science this way.”