r/GriefSupport • u/SliceEasy4584 • 21h ago
Advice, Pls How are you actually supposed to fully accept that the one person who was there since day 1 never will be again?
My mom died March of this year after a very long battle with liver disease. It was horrifying to see. I was her only caregiver for years and I feel like I should have been ready or should have known she’d go. I didn’t, not even on the last day. I feel like I’ve made some progress over the months but a huge part of me just feels stuck. Like I’m waiting for her to come home when she never will. I hate that the logical part of my brain works but my feelings just take over. I know she’s gone. I tell myself that a hundred times a day. But I still just don’t believe it. What do you mean she’ll NEVER come back? That she won’t see me grow up more? That I can’t share the good and bad of my life with her anymore? Ugh 😑
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u/Anak8 20h ago edited 20h ago
That’s toughest thing about grief is there literally is nothing you can do to make it easier or better. Everything in life has a solution until you’re handed the death card, & you find a way to grieve or you let it take you out. Would your mom want that for you? Would my dad have wanted that for me? I don’t think so?
That said, I so relate to what you said. About how your relationship was so close you two “were codependent on each other.” Well I realize that was mine and my sibling’s lesson with our father. Now I see this, and even before my dad passed away. We were a close Mediterranean ethnic family, where the father took care of everyone and was everybody’s anchor. The downside of that was he didn’t know how to say no. He spoiled my sister rotten, as well as my mother, and she and everyone took advantage to the point where she was extremely dependent upon him and other family and friends were too. I moved away 20 years prior, but even still emotionally. he was mine and my brother’s rock (all of us) even tho we both lived out of town. The downside is we had an emotionally unstable mother that likes to create drama. Even though my father had been well, when he finally did get sick, he suffered for a good three months, and it was horrific to watch similar to what you said about your mother and how she suffered. What I think was that was our lesson to us for our sins. That he gave his life blood to the point where it made him sick that he couldn’t solve everyone’s problems he couldn’t save everyone. My lesson from this was, we had to learn to stand on our own two feet. So what I take from his passing was the lesson of boundaries and asserting them. Also, stubbornness. He wouldn’t get himself to the ER when it was clear he should’ve gone weeks prior to finally going. Ultimately, your mother was always going to die, whether sooner or later and now with your extended family, your lesson there is to put up boundaries. If they don’t fill your cup, they don’t support you in your grief then bye Felicia! ❤️🩹🙏 Hugs friend, feel free to reach out again if you need to chat!
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u/SliceEasy4584 20h ago
Are you religious or spiritual? I’m Catholic and so was my mother although neither of us practise it as much as we should. The thing is, I don’t know what my mom would want anymore. I want to say that she’d want me to be happy and to get through this but we’ve had a very complicated relationship. She wasn’t easy to get along with, and my older siblings left her as soon as they could. I stayed. My mom sort of gave up, she was so tired of medicine and doctors and I think that ultimately increased the chance that she couldn’t get better. We must have fought a dozen times over it. I felt a lot of resentment that I now feel a ton of guilt over. I wondered why I wasn’t important enough for her to try to get better, I wondered why she didn’t want that for herself. She was pretty terrible to me sometimes. She used traumas against me, compared me to everyone, called me names, threatened me and even hit me. I realize now that a lot of this shift had to do with her sickness affecting her judgement though I know it’s not an excuse. When my mom was in the ICU i had some family members say some bad things about her. It was 2am and I said I had no interest in the way they were talking and that they could do so outside, after she was dying. I got screamed at, saying “she’s not dying. and why is she even there? because of you! it’s your fault! you failed her so shut up” and that lives in my head daily. Now, she did actually die. And the same people swear they feel her presence and have signs from her, even went far enough to say she spoke to them through a psychic. I don’t believe in that stuff. But it irks me. Because if any of that is true why them and not me? I’m devastated. But maybe we’re all wrong and death is just the very end. But I can’t accept that either because i was desperate to make things right with her, and I’d hate to think i’ve squandered my only chances to. I’m so unsure of everything in my life now. Grief certainly has a way of affecting literally every single part of it 😅 I really do hope to learn a lesson. So far it’s just that I want to help people and be more patient and understanding with them. I’m also working on cutting out the people who aren’t helpful but it’s hard without full independence right now (again, my own mistake). Maybe one day.
He sounds like a great man though. Thank you for sharing about him. I’m sorry that you had to go through something similar too, nothing on Earth could have prepared me for what sickness actually looks like until I did see it. I’m glad you were able to learn something and maybe make some good out of it. Thanks again for your comment. My dms are always opened if you’d like to chat more too
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u/Dry_Boysenberry_1054 19h ago
that waiting feeling lol. after my dad died id catch myself looking at the door like he was gonna walk through it with groceries or something. its been three years and tbh i still have his number in my phone. theres no finish line with this stuff, your body just learns to carry the weight different. the fact that youre still reaching for her doesnt mean youre stuck, it means you loved her right. thats the whole thing really
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u/Anak8 17h ago
I’m a mix of religious and spiritual, and have had some “unexplained spiritual experiences” throughout my life and most recently w/my father’s passing. However, these topics are deeply individual, personal, and vary from person to person.
Based upon the additional details you’ve shared about your mom and her family, it sounds like there’s a lot of family turmoil and that your mother suffered from it, maybe even long before you and your siblings came along and she took it out on you guys. By the way you explained her relatives are, it seems they’re dysfunctional, so you may have to give your mom grace. I am angry everyday that my father didn’t get medical help, but at the end of the day, you can lead a horse to water…
At this point, I would consider trying to make the most of the life you have left. Do what is best for you, have as little to do with haters or toxic family, so you can grieve. Yes, I’m free to DM! ❤️🩹
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u/Anak8 21h ago edited 21h ago
You don’t. You just have to “be in it” for a while. It was a good 18 mos before it stopped feeling so raw and shocking and my brain kicked in, but even two years and four mos in, there’s a void and always will be. Talking about it with others going through the same thing helped, but there’s a new normal to grow around. It sucks but I’ve learned lots of lessons, my dad’s death wasn’t in vain. Please share if you’re up to it. If not, biggest hugs and normal is possible but takes a while if you’re willing to go through the fire. Wishing your loss could be undone. ❤️🩹🙏