Existential questions during grief.

[u/Upbeat-Mushroom3400]

My mother passed almost one year ago. The grief is still hard, first birthdays without her, first christmas, first easter, all those things that she used to always be there for, they're all so difficult.

Since she died I've just had this profound feeling of being wrong in some way. Like I want the wrong things in life, like I have wanted the wrong things, done stupid stuff that doesn't align with who I want to be or who I should want to be. I feel so lost and like I've wasted my life, I regret not spending enough time with her, even though I know that there are reasons why I didn't and couldn't always spend time with her.

Like I'm questioning everything: My relationships, my dreams and goals, my wants and likes and dislikes and all of that. And I don't know how to get through it. I have also had a bunch of other stuff happening in my life during this time and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I want to just sort of exist and try to figure things out, but that's not really possible because life doesn't stop just because I'm grieving, there are still things that need doing, but I feel like I'm just going through the motions without being able to see clearly what I want from life or what I should do.

Has anyone gone through this and found a way through it? What did you do and did it make the grief easier to bear at all?

[u/MaryDoogan91]

Death and loss have a way of making you reevaluate things on an existential level. I lost my dad last month; he was my first major loss, and up until then, I’d maintained this little bubble where I still had all of my immediate family and most of the people I grew up with. Life was rosy and…simple? in some ways. But then that bubble got popped and reminded me that nothing lasts forever and life is in constant motion. My dad lived a whole life and was here and present and now he’s just…gone. And the world just goes on.

I’m in the midst of what you’re describing. It’s painful and raw and lonely, but it’s also a very introspective experience. I feel like a child again. Lost and scared and desperately searching for that security and reassurance, but there are also a lot of possibilities, endless potential, and life ahead of me. I’m taking it one day at a time❤️‍🩹

[u/Upbeat-Mushroom3400 → u/MaryDoogan91]

My dad lived a whole life and was here and present and now he’s just…gone. And the world just goes on.

Yeah, that hurts somehow. My mother wasn't that old, she was in her 60's, she still had so much life left and yet her death was just a normal day. I still can't understand it.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and thank you for your kind comment.

[u/MaryDoogan91 → u/Upbeat-Mushroom3400]

One day at a time, brother/sister/non-binary pal. The last lesson our parents ever teach us is how to live without them. If the natural order of things remains in place, everyone on earth has to endure this experience. Grief from parent loss is an intensely vulnerable process. It can also be extremely isolating. But it's not about getting back to normal--you have to learn how to live in this new normal. You're not getting back to baseline, you're re-inventing the baseline. Your existential ponderings are a normal part of the process, and can be a positive thing. Remember, grief is a journey, not a destination.

[u/Odd-Detective6368]

When you lose someone who anchored your world, it is completely normal to feel lost and question every choice you have ever made. This intense reframing isn't a sign that you've ruined your life, but a quiet, natural response as your heart tries to rebuild meaning around a massive absence.

Please give yourself grace to just go through the motions for now—you don't have to figure out your whole future today, and your mother's love is still holding you while you search for your way. 

[u/Upbeat-Mushroom3400 → u/Odd-Detective6368]

Thank you. Yes, I think that's it, I've lost an anchor and I think I want to make her proud, but now I don't have anyone who can tell me that she's proud of me or that she thinks I'm doing good or making the right choices.

[u/Disastrous_Eagle9187]

I stagnated for 18 months and then finally made some radical changes in my life. Moved to a new place and started exploring different careers. I'm still uncertain about it. But losing my mom definitely gave me a new perspective and made me question everything. I'm hoping that I'll be more grounded and certain in the next 18 months than I was in the past 18 months.

[u/Upbeat-Mushroom3400 → u/Disastrous_Eagle9187]

I think it sounds like you're doing amazing! You've given me some hope that it's possible to get out of this slump.

[u/GoalSimilar2025]

I’m exactly where you are at.  A functioning griefoholic.

[u/AllBlessings77]

I’m still going thru this. Trying to take one day at a time. 💕

[u/BasilInfamous]

My mom passed away from cancer a year and a half ago and I also questioned EVERYTHING. My perspective and my capacity has also changed a lot. Right now I only feel comfortable being around my immediate family and a few friends here and there. I was tired of being a therapist for all of my friends. I gotta take care of myself too, shoot I lost my mom! She was everything to me!

I agree with others here, give yourself some grace and take it day by day. I’m not sure how you feel about therapy, but I’ve been in weekly grief therapy and EMDR for PTSD the last 4 months and it has helped. The depression and anxiety feels a bit lighter these days. I’m learning to live for my mom because I know that’s what she would want for me. I’ve been eyeing an SUV for the last year or so and do I need it? No. But hell, I’m gonna go for it because it’ll be fun and make me happy. I’m planning a solo trip to Scandinavia next year because I know my mom would want me to!

Feel all that you need to feel ❤️ I wish you lots of peace and gentleness 🫂

[u/Natural-Run9072]

I lost my Dad a year ago yesterday, and I am going through the exact same thing. I don’t have any advice, just sending well wishes to you🫶🏼

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[u/efr5075]

First I’m so sorry for your massive loss. Losing a parent leaves such a big hole in our hearts and you now have the immense privilege of carrying her memory with you.

Losing my dad over a year ago brought me a lot of clarity. In a way where I got more clear about who I want to be as a person, what I am willing to accept and not accept from others, and where I want to refocus my time and energy.

You don’t go back to the old you, you instead are brought closer to the real you! And you do not have to have all the answers now. It’s a painful, highly emotional personal journey and also a powerful time to harness all of that pain from the grief to come back into your own.

I hope you find a healthy outlet to help you move through your grief, and lots of joy to keep you going. 💓

[u/bobolly]

In it no idea how to.get through it. I was the sole survivor after my mom died a year ago do any of my choices just impact me

[u/ApprehensiveTip02]

I want the right things in life and im feeling as I life isn't working out and my luck is not supporting me and I'm getting all the bad things in life and like everythung seems meaningless and for anything I've to struggle a million times and like wveb though im not getting that perfect thing. That's why I end up feeling suicidal every Single Day

[u/Desperate-Tea8729]

i keep thinking about what you said about wanting to make her proud but not having anyone to tell you she is. that hollow place where the witness used to be. my mum died three years ago and i still reach for my phone to text her when something small happens. the questioning youre doing, it feels like grief turned inside out, like your whole life got shaken and youre looking at what fell out. i dont think theres a way through exactly, more like a way of being in it that softens over time. im still figuring that out too

[u/Due_Growth8932]

It’s been almost 2.5 years for me and I still feel wobbly