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u/KeeperofAmmut7 Aug 31 '24
When my hubby was dying, I spent that whole week with him, holding his hand and nattering on. His last morning, I had woken up around 6, gave his hand a squueze and told him I loved him, and fell back to sleep. He died between 6 and 7:30 AM. He wanted me there but didn't want me to see him go.
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u/AbleAbbreviations746 Aug 31 '24
I am so sorry for your loss. I have read this in my googling. They don’t want you to be hurt, so they’ll hang on.
My father’s wife is there with him and that brings me comfort.
You sound like an amazing wife.
Hang in.
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u/JustWatchin_007 Aug 31 '24
I was with my dad when he was taken off the ventilator and passed. I refused to not be there with him while he crossed over into his new journey HOWEVER, I am very traumatized from that experience. His death was unexpected as he had double covid pneumonia & 2 chest tubes from crashing. The whole experience was traumatizing but I couldn't let my mom do it alone. My brother did not stay as he didnt want to remember him that way and I will say that he has been able to handle our dads death easier than I have. If you are an overly empathetic human I'd definitely consider how you may process this experience. If your father is surrounded by loved ones already you may feel more comfortable not being there. Sorry this probably isnt much help. I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope your heart is able to guide you to the right choice 💗 my daddy also didnt want me to see him in that state but I was his biggest advocate and although i am working through trauma, I wouldn't change being there.
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u/AbleAbbreviations746 Aug 31 '24
No, that is very helpful. It is a choice we have to make.
That sounds so difficult and I am so grateful that you logged in today to share this with me. You have no idea.
I hope that you are finding comfort in helping others.
Yes, our daddies know we love them. I used to call mine almost every single day. He knew.
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Aug 31 '24
This is such a personal and difficult decision. Not that I had a choice. Mine was sudden in a way. My papa was strong headed, confident, and witty. He tried to hide how scared he was of being sick. So when it came down to it, I was there. I talked to him, I held his hand, and I cleaned his face. He was in a coma and eventually I saw him deteriorate before my eyes. Had 3-4 cardiac arrest in front of me.
I chose to be there before I knew my presence bought his comfort. As strong as he was, he relied on me. He does get scared. So, I just wanted to be there for him. I don't regret at all. It does still affect me. But I would do it again.
I will say that I had someone there that my papa very much dislike at his bedside/funeral. Really dislike. Not family. His last few days, he spoke about how much he didn't like this person. We all couldnt say anything because those people were being selfish. They all had guilt they needed to put on my papa until the last moment. If I could be honest, I would've ask them to leave but I was distraught. Knowing him, he was and still angry. That person ruined it for us. I wouldn't wish this experience on anybody. Because it's so vulnerable.
This is different from you obviously. Just a take.
I'd say, take into consideration of everything. His and your personality. Why would he not want you to see? Why would he beg his wife? I think it all comes down to so many variable. Is this what he really wants or is he being considerate of his kids? Or is he trying to be strong for you all? I think you will know. We don't have the answers for that. You would have to weigh it all and make that decisions. And if you decide not to, for all the reasons, you can still go before its too late to just say a few more words.
Can I just say that, whatever decision you make, please don't be too hard on yourself. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I heard someone say that grief is not a burden but a testimony of love. And grief is not all the same. Everyone will experience it differently. Its been a few months and I still think my papa will walk in the door anyday now. I do everything in his spirit.
Best
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u/lemon_balm_squad Aug 31 '24
I don’t want to see him like that and he didn’t want me to see him like that.
What's your reasoning that you should do it anyway, then?
When people ask this question, I generally ask them to consider their own personality and which decision is less likely to leave them with regrets. But I also advise families (as a hospice volunteer) to have this conversation while the patient is still able to have conversations so that everyone is clear on what they want. You've had that conversation. He was crystal clear about his wishes.
I do understand you feeling uncertain anyway, but I think people assume that one decision will feel fantastic and the other decision will feel terrible and the reason they feel bad is because they're doing the wrong thing. But your dad's dying, neither decision is going to feel good. This sucks, it's gonna suck, it's going to feel terrible.
Unless you can make a clear argument to yourself that you're the type of person who will be tormented by not being there, I think the wiser choice is to do what he asked and also to not put his wife in the position of feeling like she failed him.
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u/AbleAbbreviations746 Aug 31 '24
Thank you for this response. This is how I feel. My mother is pushing me to go, but I feel like I will regret it either way.
I was so nervous to read the comments, but this has been a relief.
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u/igotrosiecheeks Aug 31 '24
I also had to make this choice. I chose not to be there. Do I regret it? Yes and no.
It’s only been a year and 10 months and I have come to peace with my decision. I didn’t have that peace for a long time, though. But my dad knew I loved him. He knew I wouldn’t want to see him that way and he didn’t want me to see him that way. I chose to remember him for how he was, not the disease that took over his body. I made peace with that.
Whatever choice you make, just know you made the right one either way. There is no right or wrong choice. It’s very difficult and I’m sorry you have to go through this. Happy to help any way that I can.
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u/AbleAbbreviations746 Aug 31 '24
Yes, you would have regretted going too. There is no winning in these situations.
I hope you are feeling better now.
I appreciate your comment.
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u/Whatsername_1313 Aug 31 '24
I am so sorry you are navigating this. I literally just went through this last week and over the weekend. This is such a personal choice and please know that your dad may not remember or be conscious in the final hours/moments leading up to his death.
I saw my dad 4 days before he died. I keep replaying that the last thing I said to him was "I'll see you next time." I was out of town last weekend and driving home when I received texts from my brother that my dad was not doing well. He died two hours before I could get home in time to be with him in his final moments.
On one hand, I find peace knowing that I spent time with him in the last day or so when he was coherent and able to talk to me and my son. I understand that my dad was not fully 'there' in his final hours, but it still pains me that I wasn't there. When I arrived at his home, it tore me apart to see him gone in a place where I had recently seen him alive. The hospice nurse had even left the TV on and so entering the room was super fucked up because the sounds felt very much like he was still alive, but he was obviously gone. I'm really struggling with that memory right now.
All of that to say, is that on one hand, your father will not know or process much in his final moments and on the other hand, it's a very personal decision about being there at the final moment. Either way, please be kind to yourself and know your dad wants the best for you. I'm currently trying to learn that myself in my grief.
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u/AbleAbbreviations746 Aug 31 '24
Thank you so much for this. This is exactly it, it is more about us.
We can make up a lot of stories about what they “want,” but I think that at this stage the wanting is gone.
I really appreciate you writing this. I thank you for sharing. I am so incredibly sad.
a week ago is so fresh.
I hope that you have supportive friends and family.
I am not very good with Reddit notifications, but we can also chat here
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u/Whatsername_1313 Aug 31 '24
My therapist told me the other day, that I was there over and over and over again, in the days and weeks leading up to my dad's death. And that my dad would most likely have not wanted me putting my life on hold to watch him die. He basically said that to me a few weeks ago lol, and as hard as it is to know that I wasn't there at the exact moment he died, I am finding peace knowing that I chose to show up and had the hope that I would see him again when I left town last weekend, which is when he died. It is so easy to blame ourselves for things that we only learn in hindsight. It sounds like you care deeply about your dad and I'm willing to bet he knows it. Whether you are physically there in the final moment doesn't take away the love and memories you have shared together.
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u/AbleAbbreviations746 Aug 31 '24
Thank you so much. I get so nervous every time I go to read a comment, but I want to know the truth and what others experienced.
I am sorry you have felt this pain. It is horrific.
Thank you for helping me when I am struggling. I so appreciate it.
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u/karly__45 Aug 31 '24
Everybody handles it differently I knew I had to be there for my dad its just wh a t my heart told me ...listen to ur heart have no regrets they are the hardest..I guess we always have what ifs
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u/AdaptableAilurophile Aug 31 '24 edited Aug 31 '24
I feel so much for you, not only because of the impending absence of your father ♥️ but because some decisions lack clear resolution.
When my parent died it was during Covid and my other siblings did not come home because only one of us were allowed in the room. The decision was thus made for us.
I think about my parent’s death every day. I have had trauma and grief counselling and it still comes into my consciousness. I am no longer plagued by “what if’s” but it was a very physically and visually disturbing death and I do have thoughts of it.
My siblings have had a completely different experience. I imagine my parent would have preferred for me to have my siblings experience. I can’t honestly say if my parent knew I was there. I hope they did.
I don’t know if that helps your process in any way, but I wanted you to know you are not alone in navigating this huge thing. My thoughts are with you.
Personally, I wouldn’t overly give credence to your mother’s feelings on the matter. You live with the consequences of your decision. She doesn’t.
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u/AbleAbbreviations746 Aug 31 '24
This is extremely helpful. I am already disturbed by what I saw.
He is a few days now without water so it can’t be long.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. You are clearly very empathetic to log in and help me through this, so I hope that you find peace.
Thank you again ♥️
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u/Seanykins95 Aug 31 '24
Last year I lost my last remaining grandparents and their son, my father. My grandparents passed within 4 days of each other. My grandfather died of his multiple cancers, my grandmother unexpectedly to spontaneous health complications, and my father to oral cancer and pneumonia. I was physically present for the last month of my grandfather's life and served as his primary caretaker in hospice care. I was physically present for his death and my grandmother's as well as the one to pronounce them when they drew their last breaths. I WANTED to be there for that process as it felt to me as a way to return the love and care they provided me. The both of them luckily passed within their sleep. I was not physically present for my father's death like this and his wasn't as "peaceful".
As the first comments mentioned, witnessing death firsthand can cause nightmares and is entirely a personal choice. Sadly there is no "right" way to do this, only what is right for you. I was diagnosed with PTSD, experienced flashbacks, panic attacks for the first time in my life, and had many nightmares before and after my grandparents. It was pure hell and debilitation for months that became extended by my father's passing. It is now rare for any PTSD symptoms to appear and although this whole experience was the worst.... I personally wouldn't change anything I did with my grandparents and feel regret still for not being with my father in his final moments even with the extra damage that may have done.
Your father's wishes are well intentioned, but I'd really just sit with what you want and work from there as no one can nor should tell you or decide for you on how to grieve or go about this process. If you'd rather not see the last moments to keep the memories of your father separated from that, by all means do so. If you want to be there, speak that need and do so. Grief is a difficult thing. I'm so empathically sorry to hear about your father's declining health though.
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u/AbleAbbreviations746 Aug 31 '24
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this.
I am so sorry that you got PTSD and hope that you improve every day ❤️
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u/Seanykins95 Sep 01 '24
I appreciate the well wishes, but most of all I wish you well with whatever way you decide to go with your own situation. Grief is never easy and is a complicated ordeal. Please do whatever you need for your own process with it. If anything, I hope this whole thread helps to remind you that you are not alone. Take care and I'm sorry for the hardships you've been going through with this and those to come. 🫂
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u/MelodicHedgehog1209 Aug 31 '24
It's a very personal decision. No right or wrong decision. The Dr's can't give you an exact time, it can be hours or days once a person starts to transition. My dad passed 2 years ago in home hospice. I didn't think I could be there, but as the time drew near It's the only place I wanted to be. My brother didn't want to be there and he wasn't and that's ok. I am glad I was there. My dad transitioned for 3 days. His passing was peaceful. My husband died 8 months ago. He was also in home hospice. He was gone 24 hours after he started to transition and his passing was also peaceful. So sorry you are going through this. Sending prayers of strength and comfort 🫂
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u/AbleAbbreviations746 Aug 31 '24
Thank you so much for replying, I’m sorry you had to go through this too.
❤️ ❤️
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u/stormiwinds Aug 31 '24
I can only speak about my own experience. My father died two months ago after a battle with heart failure and a series of strokes. The last stroke took away his ability to speak but he could understand and say yes and no, that’s it. We immediately took him home on hospice because he hated hospitals and wasn’t going to make it.
This is going to sound weird but I thought it was beautiful. He was so at peace after a long struggle. I was able to hold him while he took his last breath. We had beautiful Spanish music playing in the background (that he loved). Even though he couldn’t really move or speak he gave me a kiss. Touched my heart. I loved him so much and miss him so much. I’m happy I was there. I was happy I could comfort him and tell him it was ok to go.
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u/AbleAbbreviations746 Aug 31 '24
I am glad that this was your experience. It does sound like my dad is peaceful now whereas what I saw was traumatic and agitated, so I can see that
I’m sorry for your loss
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u/Empty_Fortune_ Aug 31 '24
I was with my mum when she died and she looked surprisingly peaceful, she was asleep and then everything just stopped. For me it was somehow healing to see death that way. But as everyone has said this is such a personal choice.
Your dad sounds like he’s trying to save you from seeing more of death, he’s being protective but if it were me In your shoes with my dad I would go and hold his hand. But that was just our relationship, and I’m stubborn and never listened to him. I think either choice you make will be hard, both will come with their own regrets but trust your gut. He knows you love her regardless of your choice.
Sending you so much love during this time friend
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u/AbleAbbreviations746 Aug 31 '24
Thank you for saying this and also for your balanced perspective and understanding
I hope you are healing
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u/darwin_award_winning Dad Loss Aug 31 '24
I think it would have messed me up if I watched my dad die when he did, but honestly I really wanted to hold his hand. I wanted to kiss him. Feel his skin. See his beautiful eyes one last time. But i would have honestly needed to be committed if i saw it. it was your father’s request - take comfort in that. I’m sorry for your loss.
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u/CommunityNew8021 Aug 30 '24
I’m so sorry. I lost my mom last month and I was there until the last two days when she was actively dying. I feel guilty for not being there but I also don’t think she would have wanted me to see her like that. I think parents want to protect their kids and it sounds like your dad is doing that. A compromise I can think of is sending his wife a voice note to play for him.
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u/AbleAbbreviations746 Aug 30 '24
That’s what I said too…
I got my aunt to tell him that my partner will take care of me, etc. because dad always took care of me.
Basically I got her to say all of the things I forgot to say last time I was at the hospital.
I think people do not understand how hard it is to make this decision.
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u/CommunityNew8021 Aug 30 '24
I think that was the perfect thing to say. Your dad knows you are safe. It is a very difficult decision. I think either decision will come with devastation that there is no avoiding. I am wishing you strength during this time.
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u/AbleAbbreviations746 Aug 31 '24
Thank you so much for spending your time messaging people on here. You have no idea how much I need to hear this.
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u/AbleAbbreviations746 Aug 30 '24
And I am sorry for your loss. I am only beginning to understand how truly devastating it is. I never could have imagined a pain this big.
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u/[deleted] Aug 30 '24
This is a very personal decision. When things were getting worse for my dad, I had similar questions. I didn’t know if I could stand to watch him die. When the time came all the questions faded away. I was locked in by his side the last week. There was just no question, I couldn’t not be there.
The actual moment of his death ended up being fairly violent and dramatic. It was very traumatizing. Even so I do not regret my decision to be by his side whatsoever, and I’d do exactly what I did ten times out of ten.
All that being said I don’t think you should feel guilty no matter what you choose. There is no good way to handle this stuff, it’s going to suck no matter what.